I Got Soul.

Just.....LIVE.

2012-01-15T21:55:00.004-06:00

The Single Life

2012-01-06T21:23:00.008-06:00

I've been a single man for *goes back in time* close to nine years now. Pretty much, when Jordan came in the League in '84 and retired (the first time) in '93, I've been single that long. When Bad Boys came out in '94 and Bad Boys II came out in '03 (I think it was nine years between the two but, if not, whatever; you get the idea), I've been single that long. When a kid was in the third grade and that same kid graduated from high school nine years later, I've been single that long.

In those three examples, it was the same man, same movie and the same kid, but things took place in those years to make them what they became. Same with me; I was single at 21, but I'd be lying if I said that, just because I'm single now, I'm the same man at 29 (saying the next number that I'll be later this year is a no-no for now) that I was then.

A theory about The Single Life is that when you're single, you can pretty much do whatever you want, with whoever you want, damn near however you want, because you're single. That's the theory; a theory can be written on a sheet of paper, in a book, magazine, journal, online or whatever.

However, life doesn't work that way. Just because you're a single person, it doesn't mean you can truly do whatever, because another person, or people if you're dating freely, are in the equation. Sure, single people can act like it's all good, but feelings are bound to come, and saying "Well, I'm single" or "Well, I said this is how it's going to be" isn't good enough. It discounts human emotion, feeling, the ability people have to change their minds, outlook, what they want, what they deserve.

So while there are some things that are great about being single, it's not necessarily the greatest thing in the world, and this is coming from someone who used to look at relationships like the plague and stayed single, guarded their heart and wouldn't open up for a long time. I look at them totally different now and have for quite a while now. So while it's currently The Single Life, to look at this as it was nine years ago would not be wise. It negates plenty of life experiences that have transpired since then.

Forever is a long time, and that, as uncertain as it is, isn't necessarily a bad thing. As a matter of fact, it will be great....when the time is right.

1/6/12 @ 9:34 P.M.

Photo by Mike Hudson

12:32

2012-01-01T00:32:00.003-06:00

2011 ended on a decent enough note. In regards to some folks who are in my life, as well as the space they occupy, there was plenty of clarity provided which will make today, as well as the other 365 following, a smooth one.

Don't get it twisted; there have been times where things have been charged to the game in the past, but this time it seemed like God pretty much said, "Look, man; decide what to do and do it now." Well, that's exactly what's happened and because of that, I can go into the new year and leave certain events and certain people in the rear view.

I can also say there are people who were around who will be around in the future and, for that, I thank God for providing clarity for that as well, as opposed to not knowing. That's never been the case before. Stuff would tend to carry over, but this time, it won't happen...and that feels good.

As for the first 30 minutes and change into the new year, it's being spent in solitude, with The Godfather Part II on the Hoshitoshi, SOS Band playing on the computer and with Teddy P's autobiography just underway; literally, I'm on page five.

1/1/12 @ 12:36 A.M.

Let Go

2011-12-13T21:36:00.005-06:00

Did you ever think you met somebody that you could never see yourself not having in your life?

Well, that's definitely happened for me and, at the time, I sincerely believed it.

However, circumstances change...some people change...while some stay the same.

When it's all said and done, regardless of how long one, or both, of y'all held on...there are times when you just have to let go.

When that happens, and you're sincerely okay with it, you'll know.

Stay cool, nothing to see here is the mantra. In other words, the intangibles, the feelings that were present will become the past, and it can be looked at as just that...the past.

Look out for number one. Period. Let go.

12/13/11 @ 9:40 P.M.

Reflections...

2011-11-27T01:47:00.001-06:00

Feelings that plenty of us have experienced...

Show and tell

2011-11-20T02:52:00.002-06:00

A good book + some tunes = the remedy.

Tranquility

2011-11-15T22:24:00.005-06:00

1. a disposition free from stress or emotion.

2. an untroubled state; free from disturbances.

Sometimes, all it takes is the right combination at the right place at the right time.

In the case of what’s in front of me, at this time, it brings a sense of peace, joy, tranquility…simple, relaxed…just perfect.

A moment captured in time…something to pack in my bag, put in my wallet, or hang on the speedometer of my car. Something that’s so strong, you’d swear it’s close, despite the fact that it truly isn’t and is very much afar.

It would go as the perfect compliment in a frame on the desk, or serve as the perfect pick-me-up and inspiration while taking on life’s daily tests.

For a picture to be worth a thousand words, it only takes a single word to sum this one up…

…beautiful.

11/15/11 @ 10:21 P.M.

Reading is FUN-damental

2011-11-07T21:52:00.002-06:00

I'm back in my groove with books.

I just finished Sweetness and learned a lot about The Great Walter Payton that I didn't know. Jeff Pearlman did a damn good job of bringing Payton, and his various sides, to life. It's a good one and certainly worth checking out. Plus, it didn't hurt that the book was sent to me for free.

Next up is Pay it Down, by Jean Chatzky. I'm not the greatest at managing money, so I figured the best thing to do is to learn from someone who is an expert in the field. Besides, it's not necessarily long, page-wise, but I'm hoping there's plenty to gain from it, and that I'll be better for it than I am right now.

After that, there's Falling Man, by Don DeLillo. I'm really looking forward to reading this one. Hopefully, I'll start it sometime this week. We'll see how that goes.

And after THAT, I'll get to John Carlos' autobiography, with Dave Zirin. Carlos is one of my heroes, and he, along with Tommy Smith, inspired me to fly to California to pay my respects to the statue on San Jose State's campus. It was one of the greatest days of my life, and I can't wait to pick his book up and see the words come to life.

Reading is fundamental, indeed. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Another weekend in the country and other random thoughts

2011-10-21T18:04:00.004-05:00

Today at 5:00 officially marked the start of another weekend in the country. Friday nights are pretty routine at this point: do my laundry, work out, go to the store, and watch movies until I pass out. Besides that, there will be plenty of reading, sleep, and may even mix some running in. Speaking of which, the Race for the Cure was last week and, thanks to the efforts of the homie D-Shep, I finished the 5K with the best time I've ever had. The goal next year is to post an even better time.

Oh, and no sodas in weeks. They kinda just went away as 5K training started several weeks back, and since then, I just haven't had a desire to have another one. It's strictly juice, milk, and water over here.

It feels good to be working again. When I was unemployed, I had all the time in the world to think about everything and, best believe, that's exactly what I did. People made me mad, and it festered in my mind, because I didn't have shit to do!

Don't get me wrong; I had peace of mind even during that time, but it's even more apparent now because, for nothing else, people don't bother me anymore, because I simply have other ways to occupy my mind. It's a great feeling.

I miss "Jenkins." I think she's gonna come back soon, though, and when she does, I'll take her to get some ice cream.

Oh, and the nephew and I had Man Time at MacDonald's last weekend. This lil' dude didn't touch his food; he just wanted to play in the playhouse the entire time, but let me take some food home, and he wants to eat off my plate. Typical toddler.

That's all for now.

10/21/11 @ 6:11 P.M.

P.S. "Sweetness," by Jeff Pearland is really, really good so far.

Nothing went according to plan

2011-10-10T19:32:00.002-05:00

So the last time I posted, my plan was to live it up, right?

The plan was to go party with old-school players and old-school girls. The plan was to go tailgate all day Saturday at a football game. The plan was to get a haircut, take my clothes to the cleaners, buy some sneakers, milk, and get a refrigerator to put in my office. Oh, and the plan was to go to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the Cowboys.

Well, I didn't do any of those things. Nope, not one.

What I did do was run. A lot. I slept, too. A lot (well, when I wasn't at work.) Maybe this weekend, the fortunes will change. All of the elements are in place for that to occur. If so, then perhaps my next entry will be a lil' more live.

Until then, it's back to watching beisbol, and starting a new book.

10/10/11 @ 7:37 P.M.

D.C.C. Part Four

2011-09-29T19:48:00.002-05:00

I wanna go party with old-school players and old-school girls tomorrow night.

I wanna tailgate, eat big-ass amounts of food off the girll, and watch college football until I drop.

I wanna get a haircut...and take my clothes to the cleaners...and pick up the ones that are already there.

I wanna buy some sneakers...and some NIKE tees...and milk...and water...and a refrigerator, so I can put the milk and water in the refrigerator in my office.

Oh, and I wanna watch the Cowboys at Buffalo Wild Wings on Sunday.

This weekend, I'm gonna do all of these things...and after I do, I'll blog all about it.

9/29/11 @ 7:53 P.M.

D.C.C. Part Three

2011-09-19T18:59:00.008-05:00

If this man ever releases another studio album again, I will stop everything I'm doing to go catch one of his shows on tour.

A quiet night, a bag full of laundry, and in the midst of countri-ness, personified. That's how I spent my Friday last weekend.

It was so random, yet so...right. I haven't been to a Washerteria in so long that I forgot to go by the store and pick up some laundry detergent. I got in there, washed and dried my clothes, and had a blast doing so pretty much the entire damn time. The combination of moving to another city, wanting to sit still for a weekend, and the need for clean clothes all came together right on time.

There was enough random activity, with just enough country-ass shit, in there for me to be amused, despite the fact that anyone else probably didn't find anything amusing about a man in the Washerteria on a Friday night doing laundry. At the moment, this is my life.

More and more, I realize that it really doesn't take much to be happy. It truly is about the little things. This post isn't going to make sense; hell, I'm bound to look at it a month from now and wonder what the hell was going on in my head to make me write even this. It's all good, though. When you're at peace, it doesn't have to make sense. I just want peace to continue to reign above all and, at the moment, that's exactly what's going on.

D.C.C. Part Two

2011-09-10T13:21:00.004-05:00

The revolution will be live. - Brother Gil Scott-Heron

It's okay to be your biggest fan. However, you should never take yourself too serious. At one time, I did and, after life kicked me in the balls for a couple of years, I learned to laugh and smile at just about any and everything. Now I believe in my ability to make things happen, but it's done with a sense of lightheartedness and a peace of mind that I hadn't possessed before.

I still reads the paper every morning, eat the same breakfast (two sausage biscuits from MacDonald's), and gets to work 40 minutes early. It's not because I'm some great employee; it's so I can get myself going, and if I do like I always have done, walking into work right before it's "GO TIME," I won't be worth a damn.

After this weekend, I think I'm gonna hang in Siberia for a while; it means I gotta get to Rudy's sometime today, and hopefully get to the barbershop. I wish there was more exciting things to share from the past week. With that said, God is love, God is good, and when you know that's the case, that's really all the excitement I need.

Oh, and I'll be picking up this book next. Gotta keep my mind at ease, right? Right.

9/10/11 @ 1:27 P.M.

D.C.C.

2011-09-02T12:08:00.003-05:00

I had another title for this next series of posts, but I forgot what it was. I'll change it when I remember. For now though, we'll call them the Daily Commute Chronicles.

So today is Friday, aka the last day of the work week. As stated in my last entry, I got a new job at a junior college in Siberia (not really Siberia; people who know me know where it is; well, some who know me don't, but that's not important right now.) Anyway, the job is dope as hell and I really think I'm gonna love it here. Granted, it's only been a week, but I could tell you after a week at any other job I've had before if I would have an indication of what I would think of it. With that said, this one is cool.

I didn't take any Ls in the past week. I went out on Saturday night and kicked it with the homies and saw some more homies, homegirls, and other folks that I haven't seen in a while. That's one of the cool things about stepping out on occasion. Since I only go out once a month, it doesn't give me many opportunities to see folks and, in a way, it's a good thing.

I drive 55 miles one way every single day, and I get to work super-duper early; like 40 minutes early. At this rate, it's safe to say I'm gonna find an apartment sometime in the next few months that's in Siberia and not in Scandinavia where I drive from now. Roscoe (my car) isn't built to be driving up and down like this on a regular basis anymore. He's past his prime, and while he still gets the job done, I gotta take it easy on him, yaknow?

I miss KSOUL and KRNB like you wouldn't believe. D'Angelo's Voodoo helps make the drive fun every morning, but there's nothing like having TJMS and some old-school tunes to get the morning started right. Once I move into my office, I'll be able to get KSOUL and KRNB on the internet and best believe I'll be playing it in my office all damn day.

That's pretty much it for now. Be easy.

9/2/11 @ 12:14 P.M.

TOTU: Chapter Six

2011-08-25T14:09:00.004-05:00

Last Thursday, my grandmother went on to be with God and her husband, my grandfather, in heaven. The cause was cancer. She went just like she asked ahead of time: with her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids all around. She was 83 years old and full of life.

I didn't cry at all, because she was someone who knew where she was going and made sure to make me, and others, feel as okay as possible about what was going on with her. Instead, I celebrated her life and played the role of consoling family members who did grieve.

The funeral was last Sunday and it was a great service all-around. The family sang songs, told stories, and sent her home the best way possible. It was dope and it was great seeing some people I literally hadn't seen in years.

A friend of mine had a pool party the same day, which I promised I would attend weeks before. Luckily, the funeral home was literally right down the road from the party, so I showed up, dress clothes on and all. I hung around for close to an hour, and when she and others asked why I was dressed up, I simply told them I was coming back from a service, but not what type of service. They didn't need to know all that. Besides, in the words of a great man, "When Sinatra says he'll show, he'll show."

I did take another L recently, and this one came (somewhat) outta nowhere. Granted, we've been friends for a long time, and I think after the initial feeling wears off, everything will be cool. It serves as another example of no matter how good things can get, things have to progress, and at a pace for both parties, or things have to change.

On the bright side (yes, there is a bright side), after 750+ days of being unemployed, I start a new job on Monday at a college in Siberia---I mean, well, the people who need to know do know where it is. For everyone else, I'll stick with Siberia.

It's been so long since I've had a job that the first day or two are gonna be a serious adjustment. I'm used to staying up late and watching Sportscenter, movies, reading, writing, and shootin' the shit. Fortunately, that will change, and I'll start sleeping like a human being again.

I'm looking forward to working with students, faculty, and being a part of a community. It's something I've held out for, career-wise, and it's finally here. God knows what he's doing all the time, doesn't He?

Oh yeah, TOTU stands for Tales of the Unemployed. I'll see about coming up with a new title starting next week.

8/25/11 @ 2:21 P.M.

TOTU: Chapter Five

2011-08-18T19:27:00.006-05:00

My Spanish lessons have gotten real again.

I've been learning Spanish online for the past six months, and the process has gone reasonably well. I do my lessons on here, watch movies on HBO Latino, watch DVDs on the Spanish option, and chop it up on occasion with my friends who speak Spanish. For the most part, all has gone well.

It's amazing how easy it was to learn English just from being around it as a child. Learning another language as an adult is possible, but it's very challenging. I'm gonna stick with it, though. Quitting is not an option.

I've taken more Ls recently than I remember. Part of me laughs them off, but you never take chances thinking that your effort won't pay off. A lot of it is on me, though. Due to my situation, I feel handicapped about doing certain things, which comes off as a lack of effort or inconsistency. People gotta do what they gotta do to look out for number one, and I get it. However, it takes two to tango, and at times, it seems like one person is doing more dancing than the other.

It looks like things are brewing, in regards to my current situation, and if they're brewing the way all the indicators are showing, I'll be moving around very soon. I'm ready to do so. The challenges that lie ahead are beyond exciting. Plus, it helps that the energy in this area is all positive, and if there is negative energy, I just haven't seen it, or it's minimal.

There are times when it takes a change of scenery to leave certain people and situations behind. No need to say it aloud to 'em, especially if the effort's been there all this time to make something shake and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. The thing left to do is not say anything else, and just go.

8/18/11 @ 7:38 P.M.

Disbelief

2011-08-14T22:11:00.004-05:00

One way to make feelings of disbelief cease from existing is to take that L and move around with as much grace as possible.

Moving around will be easy. The grace part? Iono. I'm petty by nature.

Oh well. Charge it to the game.

8/14/11 @ 10:13 P.M.

TOTU: Chapter Four

2011-08-11T03:23:00.003-05:00

I missed the Maze concert.

You wanna talk about being mad as hell? On Saturday night, I was mad as hell. Granted, I had some Rudy's to soften the blow, but still. Saturday night was Maze night. It was gonna be the night to get out, put some clothes on, get to this concert, and take some old-school girl by the hand and dance all night long to every single song they played...

...except I didn't go.

That makes two unforgivable events this summer. First, it was missing Sade, and now it's Maze. It's about as big a damn nightmare as one can have.

Onto better things: currently, I'm reading a book about the beginnings of the NFL, but it's also about the social history of particular places in the country during that time. Now I do love sports, but I'm not really big on reading books about sports. When it comes to the books I have, the subjects are all over the place, and if you were to look at my collection, it would be evidence of that. Sports are noticeably absent, which is fine by me. However, this book was sent as a gift, and I like what I'm seeing so far.

Besides that, things are a-ok. The job hunt is the job hunt. I've pretty much decided to change majors before the Pursuit of the Ph.D. takes shape. At the earliest, it'll start in a few weeks. If by chance something comes along, then it'll start in the spring. Either way, it's goin' down, so I'm not too worried about it.

Oh, and the ol' espanol is coming along. I'm gonna be a bilingual monster in no time.

TOTU: Chapter Three

2011-08-03T11:22:00.009-05:00

I turned 29 yesterday.

That's a scary number. What makes this different from, say, 22-28 is that, during those times, I felt invincible. Once yesterday came around though, it seems like I'm approaching some strange place of mortality; almost as if I officially have 364 days to have as much reckless fun as possible, talk crazy, wear a mohawk if I feel like it, sneak chicken wings into the movie theater, pee in public, and do Ric Flair struts behind women until I approach that next stage in life where such behaviors are not embraced and/or becoming of a man at a particular age.

I won't even type the number, let alone say it. Instead, I'll focus on enjoying 29 as much as possible. If nothing else, two folks told me my number is finally adding up with my demeanor (in other words, I was 18 going on 29 a long time ago.)

Interview number two was a couple of days ago. Being in a room and having numerous people ask you questions from all angles was a new one, but it was cool, mainly because I want to be there. If it was simply going to an interview at a place I had no connection to, other than attempting to collect a check, the process would have either bored me to tears, or my demeanor would have illustrated to them that they have the wrong guy in front of them. However, it was the opposite of that on Monday, and even with that said, I'm not sweating it. Things work out, I'll go work there. They don't, and I'll start the Ph.D. in the fall. It's really that simple.

Maze is coming in town on Saturday, and I'm gonna try my damndest to make it out to their show. This Marable book is getting better with each turn as well. I had a discussion about editing and typos recently that was about as exciting and passionate as talking about a football or basketball game (nerdy, yes, but true.) Oh, and running through the AFI Top 100 movies of all-time has been a blast. That's all for now.

TOTU: Chapter Two

2011-07-27T11:33:00.003-05:00

A life decision was made over the weekend. It was one that everyone has had to face in their time on Earth. It was one where the decision you make alters how the following time will come:

Do I have enough gas money to get there and back?

Oh, yes. This happened, and it was not a game. Now the easy thing to say is "Well, just get in the car with someone and chip in on gas," but I've long given up on riding in the car with people. I'm a team player when it comes to a lot of things, but in the words of a great philosopher "I live alone, I train alone, I win the world title alone." Okay, the great philosopher was Clubber Lang in Rocky III, but the point is I'd rather travel alone.

The event in question was the wedding of one of my closest friends, which was three hours away in Austin last Saturday. I was set to go, and even when I got a call late Friday afternoon to come out for a job interview three days later, I was still crunk...

...only the interview was out of town, as was the wedding, and not only were they both out of town, they were on totally opposite ends of the highway.

Now I had less than 24 hours to decide how I was going to pull off doing both. Time was ticking, I was running out of ideas, and I decided to make a decision that I immediately regretted. I missed the wedding, stayed home, watched movies all night, then drove downtown and kicked it for a homie's birthday. Oh, and the job interview, of course. I went to that.

Oh, and there was jury duty a couple of days ago. It was my first time being summoned by my great city to perform my service to the community, and when I got there, I saw at least 200 people sitting there as well. Some were on their phones. Others were reading magazines, and just about everyone kept looking at their watches. Court started late, and for people who were already agged about being there, it was especially painful.

I get there at 8:20, and I'm relieved at 9:20. That's right, one hour of duty. There were a limited amount of cases on the docket, but the court still made sure to select as many potential jurors as possible. Since I wasn't one of them, I, along with about 120 more people, were free to go.

We were paid a grand total of six dollars for our day at the courthouse, which I donated to a youth and family counseling organization. Shoot, once they said the checks (a six dollar check) would be mailed within a week, the decision to give it away pretty much made itself.

7/27/11 @ 12:44 P.M.

TOTU: Chapter One

2011-07-20T09:33:00.007-05:00

In the past, I wrote a series of poems which eventually came together to tell a variety of stories. They were all personal in nature, all involved a woman, and all made me feel some kinda way. They were always centered around love, which as a man, can be a challenge to express publicly, while also maintaining a sense of dignity. This is when growing up with sisters is so valuable; they've shown me how to have a sensitive side without being a sissy, even if they don't realize it.

Well, since I have so much time on my hands, I'm going to try that again, except this time, they won't be poems and they won't be centered around love. They'll be more like snippets in my life at the moment, and once this particular part of my life concludes, so will the story. My goal is to write something at least once a week. Here goes, with chapter one.

5:46 A.M.

The morning started off abnormally early, despite the fact that I got the same amount of sleep as I do just about every night (roughly 4-5 hours.) I long ago decided that I stay up late because (a) my mind loves to work, (b) I always feel like I'll miss something by sleeping, and (c) for the most part, everyone else is sleep and for whatever reason, I just feel more accomplished by staying busy when everyone else is down for the count.

Once I woke up, the day went as most others do. I did some editing for the ETSF website, listened to The Morning Jones, and applied for jobs. Yes, the all-consuming task of applying for jobs. It's always an adventure to look at qualifications, my resume, the job requirements, my resume, and the location, and my resume again.

One of these days, my pride may get the best of me. Attempting to break into a field with not much experience is infinitely tougher than going into a field where I do have experience. However, I'd rather take the difficult route this time, and besides, if I was to go back and work in my previous field, I wouldn't make it through the week. I'll explain why in another entry.

Anyway, I did all that, and now it's past 9. It doesn't even feel like morning, but when you wake up so early for no apparent reason, that's the result. Who knows how the rest of the day will go; possibly a trip to 24 Hour Fitness, so I can workout and also chop it up with the old-school player who's been adopted as another unofficial mentor (he has no say-so in the matter; the man is 55 years old and likes to tell stories; I'm sure he won't mind.) Besides that, it's another day in paradise.

Be easy.

P.S. I'll share what TOTU means later.

Turn-around

2011-07-11T02:30:00.001-05:00

Slowly but surely, things are turning around.

In the meantime, there's still plenty to be done.

7/11/11 @ 2:31 A.M.

Post-shower thoughts

2011-06-14T18:32:00.009-05:00

As is the daily routine, I wrapped up my workout at 24 and came back to the batcave to regroup. Well, that's always the plan, but it never works out that way. I tell myself to fix something to eat as soon as I get in, but I still don't end up eating until at least two hours after I'm done working out.

I tell myself to hop in the shower as soon as I walk through the door, but that doesn't happen, because I'm usually listening to Galloway and Company on the way home. It never fails; I get in, turn on 103.3, so I can keep listening to Mr. Randy, Ian, and Matt and then plop down to finish reading, or doing whatever else besides fixing something to eat or taking a shower.

Finally, I head to the shower, take what feels like the greatest shower of all-time, and as I'm drying off, something comes over me. It's a startling revelation, and once it hit me, it kinda calmed me down from the state of mind that I've been enveloped in for the past few weeks.

Things went exactly the way they did (close to two years ago), because they had to. You were at a job you hated everyday and absolutely did not want to be at. There were some days that were positive, but mostly, you didn't want to be there. You weren't prepared to quit, so you kept doing it. Eventually, they laid you off, and in that moment, while they were saying how much they regretted "having" to do it, it was one of the happiest times of your life, and looking back, it was best to absorb every bit of those feelings, every bit of being somewhere and doing something you hated for that long to know you never want to feel like that again.

There have been moments of frustration, anger, confusion, all the shit people go through every day. There have also been times of joy, happiness, and laughter despite the fact I've never been more broke in my life. It affects everything I do, which has been a blessing and a curse. Hell, it forces you to get creative. It's given me an unfathomable amount of free time. Seriously, there has been no reason for me to say "I can't or won't do this, because I don't have time." Shit, if there's one thing I've had plenty of over the last couple of years, it's time, and it's allowed me to do everything under the sun.

All of this is happening, because it has to. It doesn't make sense to stay pissed about it, which I've done a pretty decent job of not doing, although I have had my days recently of just shutting down. Sure, it gets annoying to look at the gas tank and wonder why it seems to live on E when I just filled the damn thing up a few days ago. Yeah, it gets old to have to scrap and find a way to fix something to eat like I'm back in undergrad again, but at the same time, it's humbling. It gets aggravating to apply for positions, reconfigure the ol' resume, type up a gazillion cover letters, only to get rejected, but in the words of The Great Negro Philosopher Ron Washington, "that's the way baseball go."

In previous years, I had no idea what I could do that would bring me joy and happiness everyday. I just knew there had to be more to life than working some punk-ass jobs and going through the motions, but since I didn't know what brought me joy, I kept working some punk-ass jobs and going through the motions. Now, I've figured it out, and I'm putting as much energy as possible into not only finding a job, but starting a career. Eventually, it'll work itself out, even if I don't know when that is.

I don't go out much anymore and have become even more of a hermit than I was when I had bread and was working all the damn time, but it feels like it's the right thing to do. It's just about going through this time and once things get better, with my gas tank staying on full, keeping bills up, being able to buy some sneakers, sending my mama and them some money just for the hell of it, or simply going out to a nice restaurant for dinner, I'll remember this as a chapter in my life that simply had to happen for it to be fully appreciated.

6/14/11 @ 6:42 P.M.

Memories

2011-06-09T12:28:00.009-05:00

From Dictionary.com:

mem·o·ry

1.
the mental capacity or faculty of retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, etc., or of recalling or recognizing previous experiences.
2.
this faculty as possessed by a particular individual: to have a good memory.
3.
the act or fact of retaining and recalling impressions, facts, etc.; remembrance; recollection: to draw from memory.

Memories are what we make them. If one chooses to keep remnants of them around, they're sure to surface at some point, and judging from some things I've stumbled upon just now, it's more than evident that it's time for some of these to be dismissed from this joint.

Memories are what we make them in the sense that if you have a decent memory, the events, people, and places will more than likely reside within you somewhere...even if they're tucked deep and far away. Trying to fight it is futile, regardless of how strong you are and how many times you've been able to get past things in your day.

Still...you can do something about the reminders. Those can find a way to your nearest receptacle, and while it may be harsh, it's truly for the best. You're at a place in your life where peace of mind is the priority, the mission, and the goal above all the rest.

Memories are cool for what they are, but in some cases, they should be nothing more. The reminders should be done away with, all the while doing the best to maintain good vibes with little-to-no reason to be anything but positive about why it's being done. Besides, the idea is to move forward and to remember that the fun has truly just begun.

6/9/11 @ 12:36 P.M.

Irresponsible

2011-06-09T00:27:00.004-05:00

I committed an irresponsible act today. I went to the bookstore with the intentions of finishing the Johnny Cash autobiography that I've been bullshittin' around with for far too long.

After paying for my Caramel Macchiato and one of those big-ass Reese's Pieces peanut butter cookies, I took a stroll around Barnes and Noble to see what they had that would catch my eye.

Immediately, I was drawn to a book called The Autobiography of an Execution by David Dow. As is the case with previous books, I picked it up, was intrigued by the description, and put it back on the shelf, while making a mental note to buy it later.

For some reason though, I picked the book back up and headed to my table with it, opened it up, and flipped through the first two pages...

...two hours later, I was still reading it. The book started getting creased up, pages were bending, the whole nine. Once I realized I was reading it that long, and totally neglecting the one I brought with me, I put it back where I found it and left.

It's irresponsible, because I know reading a book that long = go ahead and buy. However, I didn't do so, and because of that, I feel like an asshole.

Sorry, Barnes and Noble. Next time I come in there, I'll buy the book. I promise.

6/9/11 @ 12:32 A.M.

Charge it to the game

2011-06-08T02:08:00.003-05:00

Today I saw something come my way...

...a blast from the past, if you will; albeit not that long ago...

...I had zero desire to respond...

...so I didn't.

6/8/11 @ 2:10 A.M.

This is only a test

2011-06-02T00:44:00.003-05:00

...that's how the lil' delay in action goes, right?

A few moments taken out just to keep you on guard until things get back in order.

*sigh* This test continues...

6/2/11 @ 12:45 A.M.

Feelin' good...

2011-05-28T00:56:00.003-05:00

...and I don't know why.

Well, yes I do.

Through a loss, I was exposed to gain. It wasn't a personal loss, and I was vaguely familiar with said person. Better late than never.

This is the first time I've felt this good in a long time, despite not having a clue of how and when things are going to change for my liking...

...and for the moment, that's perfectly fine by me.

Photo by Assenus

Much rather have...

2011-05-01T19:19:00.004-05:00

...much rather have soul, fire, and heart than technical perfection...
- J. Cash

I can dig it.

5/1/11 @ 7:22 P.M.

Mind. Body. Soul.

2011-04-27T15:00:00.007-05:00

I've always made it a point to harp on the importance of mind, body, and soul...and now, more than ever, it's at the extreme and has taken on an invaluable and irreplaceable role.

Mind is working harder than ever before. Refining certain techniques. Learning a new language. It's all fun.

Body is being pushed in ways that hasn't been pushed before. Five days a week at the gym working out. That part's not new, but the methods are. There's a curiosity in incorporating a routine that I've never been consistent with before.

My soul is free. Even in times of uncertainty, and a time that could be better, I feel free.

It's never felt better to be alive.

4/27/11 @ 3:18 P.M.

Photo taken by danielfem7

Unspoken communication

2011-04-19T03:07:00.001-05:00

When you can speak to someone without saying a word explicitly, and they absolutely know where you're coming from, the feeling is priceless.

4/16/11 @ 1:12 A.M.

Inspiration (for K.A.F.)

2011-04-16T00:02:00.004-05:00

You wrote about kisses, and I gotta admit, the words turned into images, and the images came to life. That's the sign of something good, something authentic, something real. It's evidence that your words aren't said for the sole purpose of looking good; they're mean to move your soul and be something you absolutely feel.

Whatever the intent was, just know it exuded intimacy, genuineness, and the ability to make me smile...and even though the trip to your side was unplanned, I'm glad I ended up there and decided to stay a little while.

4/16/11 @ 12:06 A.M.

Always here.

2011-04-14T00:45:00.005-05:00

Basketball, books, music, and writing are my constant companions these days.

These are the ones I absolutely love, can count on, and have never, ever let me down.

4/14/11 @ 12:53 A.M.

More.

2011-04-04T13:10:00.004-05:00

There's another level to go to.

When it seems like the walls are closing in, and when you're working hard, yet it's still not enough, it's time to ramp it up even more.

Effort increases. Strategies are modified. The goal remains the same.

Just because.

2011-03-30T02:12:00.000-05:00

Smile. Laugh. Relax. Chill.

3/30/11 @ 2:13 A.M.

It's on.

2011-03-23T11:31:00.005-05:00

Recently, I had a talk with my big brother down at SXSW (he's not my blood brother; dude simply has endless amounts of old-school wisdom, but he's still young enough to pass as my older brother). Anyway, he opened my eyes on how to proceed with some moves that I've been a part of for the past year, but never really thought of doing much more than what I had been doing.

Admittedly, I've always found it difficult to do something big, yet have something retain it's ultimate ability to be organic. However, that's something that, if you're good enough at what you do, you can find a way for it to never lose that trait; never lose its authenticity. It was a conversation that needed to be had.

Plus, it helps that's he's doing something similar, has faced some of his own concerns with doing what he's doing, and it has made what he does even bigger and just as authentic.

Moves will be made. All that was needed was a little push.

3/23/11 @ 11:36 A.M.

Well, damn.

2011-03-14T18:16:00.008-05:00

In life, you're sure to experience plenty of highs and plenty of lows. There are bound to be times when you feel like you're on top of a mountain, and there are times when you feel like you're in a pit.

Regardless of the outcome, favorable or unfavorable, you know you have to move on...

...but sometimes, you're not thinking that far ahead. You just let it sink in, and adjust accordingly later.

...right now is one of those times.

3/14/11 @ 6:19 P.M.

Photo by ronnimofotos [dot] blogspot [dot] com

Exhale.

2011-03-04T01:59:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow isn't promised.

Once you realize it's okay to speak your mind to anyone who you feel it should be spoken to, and you can do it with no reservation, then you can breathe easy.

At this point, I have nothing to lose.

3/4/11 @ 2:00 A.M.

Photo courtesy of Something in my head (dot) tumblr (dot) com

Perception isn't always reality

2011-02-27T01:09:00.003-06:00

Even when it looks like I'm doing nothing, best believe I'm doing something...

2/27/11 @ 2:11 A.M.

More doubt, new challenges, and other randomness

2011-02-23T01:01:00.006-06:00

Well, you know that whole doubt thing? Yeah, it's still there. Granted, it's not at the level that it was the last time I posted about it, but it's still there. I'm making one last-ditch effort to see if the road I'm heading on is the one I'm supposed to be heading on right now. If so, great. If not, then hey; I'll live. Lemme stop lyin'. If this doesn't work out, I'm gonna be beyond devastated.

In the meantime, I'm picking up Spanish. For one, I've wanted to learn for quite a while, and if there's one thing I have a lot of, it's time. Two, it'll help just to know another language to shoot the breeze and have conversations with even more folk. I've been at it for about a week and a half now. I don't really have a time limit as to when I wanna have it down. Hell, the way I see it, there are still words in the English language I'm learning every day.

I've been posting a lotta love/romance songs lately (Facebook), but that's because KSOUL and KRNB jam, and, outside of ESPN Radio from 2-6 P.M., that's pretty much all I listen to.

The older I get, the more I'm fascinated about the simple things about women (her walk, look, non-verbal cues, etc). The normal stuff doesn't do it as much for me anymore, and as much as I love a big butt and nice chesticles...that's really all they are now. If my attention isn't captured by more than that fairly quick, then hey *shrugs* Yup, I'm getting more boring by the minute.

It also means that some may not know how to respond to my brand of conversation. Granted, there is some flirtation in there, but there isn't much else I wanna do these days other than make a woman smile, and go on about my day.

2/23/11 @ 1:09 A.M.

Malcolm X Appreciation Day.

2011-02-21T11:43:00.006-06:00

No matter what's going on on February 21st, it's made a priority by me to make sure to pay homage to one of my heroes, Malcolm X, on this very day. Granted, I do my best to live by some of the principles he expressed that I feel like are directed towards me each and everyday, but on this particular day, the day he was assassinated, it's about sharing that with the masses.

Long live Malcolm X.

Doubt

2011-02-08T01:16:00.005-06:00

A couple of events transpired recently that made me, for the first time in about ten years, wonder if I'm cut out for the road I am currently on. It's one thing to be told you're not needed or wanted in certain avenues, and after a while, you get used to it, and you really accept it as a fact of life.

However, when you go a different route, one that you just feels like the way to go, even with the hardships, uncertainty, and challenges that are sure to come, and it STILL doesn't work out? Well, it's not only humbling, but it's deflating.

Oh well; as always, the only thing to do is trust in God, because, whether it's for good or for bad, He always knows what He's doing.

2/7/11 @ 1:19 A.M.

Photo by Michael P. Whelan

Journey into the unknown

2011-02-02T22:37:00.006-06:00

Usually when you don't know the outcome of how an event will go, it leads you to leave well enough alone. It can have the look of something amazing, with all the ingredients needed to reach ecstasy, joy, and an unmatched thrill. Even with that, odds can still be stacked and a person's feelings, as well as other factors, keep you from going in for the kill.

Sure, you've seen bits and pieces of the unknown, but you have yet to dive in head-first. There's a certain level of apprehension, even while knowing plunging in will certainly quench your thirst.

It's worth the shot, which is why the desire to find out what lies behind the door outweighs the possibility of awkwardness, uncertainty, or things going awry. Besides, something says this will be so good, we'll leave speaking in French, Spanish, and Portugese of the reminders we left behind. That's right; it'll be so real, we'll learn dialects we never knew before, and once we're done, we'll do it again, so we can learn two or three more.

If you're ready for a journey into the unknown, relax your mind, and we'll go...and before we know it, the unknown will be just the opposite, where nothing but good times will certainly flow.

2/2/11 @ 7:26 P.M.

Photographer Unknown

The Moment

2011-01-27T01:34:00.000-06:00

When the moment came, it was...to say the least, worth the wait. The fact that our lips were so close wasn't a shock, yet the events that transpired certainly were not planned. Regardless of the way it happened, there's no doubt her lips felt like the perfect place to land.

When they did land, everything else took course. My hands found a way to glide smooth across her waist, while the heat from her body would steadily rise. The moment was frozen in time, and even as our bodies moved, everything else seemed to be paralyzed. When our lips did separate, it was more of an acknowledgment that the moment was too good to be true...yet there was little time in-between to be apart, because there was so much more to do.

The moment may as well been broken down in scenes; from the way her head tilted back to the way her body leaned. Tongues glided in each other's mouths with the smoothest of ease. There was zero hesitation, realizing this was our moment to seize, and as the acts continued, there was no doubt both of us were left satisfied and thoroughly pleased.

All this over a kiss? Something some of us have done for ages found a way to have an impact that was as strong as any act of sex. With that said, if the initial moment was that good, there's no telling what can be expected next...

1/24/11 @ 1:27 A.M.

B.T.K. (Before the Kiss)

2011-01-24T01:04:00.001-06:00

Blistering thoughts...jumbled emotions, yet...you play it cool. Everything is going on internally, and if you're cool enough, those emotions are all kept in check. Your recipient is just as eager as you; the anticipation is brief, but it still seems like an eternity. What's taking so long?

Trepidation...what if they pull away? What if the fear of the unknown outweighs the desire to just relax and let loose? While all these questions are being asked internally, the opportunity to have them answered in the affirmative are slowly slipping away...

Kick...kick it all away. The blistering thoughts, the trepidation; just throw it out the window. Everything else is going right. There's nothing else to hide, and no more questions to ask. If it doesn't happen this moment, it's noone's fault but ours for letting this opportunity pass.

We've all been there, one time or another, whether we were the initiator or the recipient. To live life long enough is to experience a wonderful, yet peculiar feeling such as this. It's the contradiction, fear, enthusiasm, and excitment of the actions...before the kiss.

1/19/11 @ 1:14 A.M.

Photo by _bobz_

Relax.

2011-01-19T00:40:00.003-06:00

The only hiccup, bump in the road, and stumbling block that comes with being at peace is that there is literally nothing to convert from thoughts to prose. The idea is to just let the words come out with no signs of straining or doing the most. No need to rhyme; no desire for them to be clever. They just need to come to the surface...like they used to before. They may come slowly, or immediately, but they would always come. Always.

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
~Ernest Hemingway

To be continued...

Photo by Kristin Corrine Loy

1/19/11 @ 12:45 A.M.

Old and Boring

2011-01-12T03:23:00.011-06:00

12 days into the new year, and I'm convinced I'm the most predictable 28-year-old man this side of The Mississippi (I've always wanted to use "this side of the Mississippi" to describe something, so there).

To be honest though, I'm not complaining one bit. I love being old and boring. It's kinda liberating, actually, even if boring and liberating seems like an oxymoron. Besides, after meeting Pam Grier last year, that was all the excitement I needed for the rest of my life. I'll be old and boring for the rest of my days, and anytime I feel the need to have some excitement, I'll think back to gettin' to meet Sheba, and since I never got around to putting this picture up at the time, BAM!!!!! (good Lord, she's STILL FINE.)

An example of this was my recent journey with my beard. I went 98 days without shaving or getting a haircut. It didn't start out that way, but hell; after a while, I just didn't worry about getting a cut or shaving. When I wanted to go out, it never scared women off too much. Shit, some actually dug The Cast Away Look. Who knows, maybe one day I'll resurrect The Beard, but for now, it's back to the normal look.

I haven't written much poetry lately, because...well, there's nothing to write about. The last time I wrote endlessly turned into so many poems about the same woman that they coulda filled up a whole damn book. Once that came to pass, I wrote about whatever else was on my mind. These days, though? Nada. When it comes, it comes.

My current mindstate is that of an appreciative man and one that's just...at ease. I have a list of books that need reading. At one time, I wouldn't read anything but Black authors, and I would scream at anyone who attempted to recommend fiction to me, but that's not so much the case anymore. I've read Huck Finn and To Kill a Mockingbird already, but that was years ago, so I figure now is as good a time as any to re-visit them. By the time I get to The Godfather, I'm sure I'll be ready to go back to autobiographies, books about particular periods in time, or whatever.

I'm convinced I have never been more at peace than I am now. Anytime I write on this site, which will hopefully be more than I did last year, I just feel at ease. Twitter is where I just have fun, cut up, cuss like crazy, and do whatever, and Facebook is cool, but this is much more slowed down; kinda like the end of your day, when you just take your shoes off, stretch, and walk around the house butt-naked with music playing in the background and drinkin' a glass of Simply Lemonade. Not that I do that sort of thing; well, yes I do, but it makes me happy.

So yeah; I'm gonna write more. Even if it's just a random thought (a la the Thoreau quote that STILL stumps me), or more extensive words, I'm gonna do it, but it can't be forced. Never that. It has to be authentic, or it's a waste of time.

1/12/11 @ 3:36 AM

Matters of The Heart

2011-01-09T00:57:00.003-06:00

The heart is forever inexperienced. - Thoreau

I saw this quote in a tweet about a week ago, and it's stumped me ever since, basically because I disagree with it. Then again, I don't know the context of the quote, which I have been searching for.

I'll look harder; explicitly as well as internally.

1/9/11 @ 1:00 A.M.

Clear (Thoughts from the Lake)

2010-12-21T02:50:00.005-06:00

It took something that comes rarely to realize how much I'm truly at peace.

At one time, the sight of something so rare would have pushed thoughts of you to the surface, and had my mind scrambled, just to say the least.

Sure, thoughts came, but it was more of a signifier that things are cool now, sights can be seen, and they can be done with no trepidation, doubt, or fear.

It's never felt better to have complete and total harmony, with everything in place and my outlook and soul totally clear.

12/21/10 @ 2 something in the morning.

Photo courtesy of Jeremy Biggers

My Seven Day Social Media Sabbatical

2010-12-20T11:08:00.002-06:00

Consider me a slave to all things social media.

When you look at Facebook, Twitter, text messaging, BBM, e-mail, and the internet, I, along with people similar to me in use and frequency, are Public Enemy Number One. At one time, the first thing I would do in the morning, before brushing my teeth or washing my face, was to roll over, turn on my laptop or check my phone, and get my social media fix in.

Then, last week happened.

For seven days (and inspired by a high school teacher’s challenge to his students to give up social media for a week), I attempted to do The Impossible: for seven days, I would use NO FORM of electronic social media: no e-mail, no text messaging, no internet, no Facebook, Twitter, nothing.

All temptations were done away with. The Facebook, Twitter, and BBM apps were removed from my phone, I packed away my laptop, and thus, my journey began.

Monday was probably the hardest day. The first thing I did when I woke up was roll over to turn on the laptop, but it wasn’t there. The second thing I did was pick up my phone to check e-mail, but as soon as I remembered what Monday signified, checking e-mail wasn’t an option either.

After Monday, Tuesday wasn’t much easier, but it was done. After that, the following days were the quietest, peaceful, and liberating days I’ve had in years; seriously.

It was fun talking to people on the phone again, even though some people just had to make sure the journey had its challenges. By that, I mean when someone would text me to say something or ask a question, I would pick up the phone and call them instead. Sometimes, people would make me mad, because they would text, I would call back, they wouldn’t answer, but they would send me ANOTHER doggone text. In a time where I would communicate with more people than I could think of (due to Facebook chat, texting, or Twitter), the people I spoke with last week were much smaller in number, but it was on a more personal scale. We held conversations with each other. Things didn’t seem to be in such a hurry. It was relaxing. It was cool. It was fun.

When I wanted show times for a movie, I had to find a phone book, and since the last phone book I have is from 2004, I had to drive up to the theater or dial information to get times for the movies. What can be considered an inconvenience to some was ironically funny to me. What made things even more of a pain was the newspapers didn’t list every local theater like they used to. It’s almost like they’ve adopted the belief that “aye, it isn’t like folks check the paper for the movies any-damn-way, so we don’t have to include them all.” That part sucked, but it was understood.

I read the newspaper damn near every day and was cool getting the news on a daily basis instead of a minute-to-minute basis as is the case online. I spent a lot of time at Barnes and Noble, and in between running through Public Enemies (the book based off the movie), I did a lot of people-watching. It was just cool to sit back and seem like nothing was rushed at all; hell, it felt like the old days. Everything was so personal. Gone was "LOL," "OMG," "hahahahahaha," or any other abbreviated expression. In their place was emotion that was just...I'll put it like this; you could see the expression from people when you talk to them one-on-one, as opposed to communicating online. Take from that what you will.

The only parts that sucked about not using any social media for the week was not being able to tell people how dope the Marsha Ambrosius concert was on Saturday night, or not being able to communicate about the state championships, or being able to update my status during the Cowboys game yesterday (well, considering how pathetic they were, that may have been good to be away from here, because my status updates would have been littered with condescension, confusion, and cuss words). Also, not being able to check ETSF was tough, but all hail Ed for holding down the fort and handling that aspect of the site for the week.

With all that said, The Tall Philosopher, Slim Charles, said it best when he uttered the words, “the thing about the old days…they the old days,” and the man was telling the complete and total truth. I don’t know if I can do much in moderation when it comes to social media, but it was certainly an experience to give it up cold turkey for a week. Hell, maybe I’ll do away with the text messaging plan Sprint has me on, and save myself $15 a month. Either way, it’s something that I would encourage everyone to try, and just see how far society has come in such a short time. You never know; the realization that the smallest things are taken for granted may even come to the surface.

12/20/10 @ 11:11 A.M.

My Social Experiment

2010-12-13T01:42:00.003-06:00

Recently, I was watching the news, and there was a report about social networking. The premise was students were challenged by one of their teachers to go one week with no social networking. The idea is to see what life was like not that long ago. I really don't feel like re-hasing the entire thing, so if you're in the mood to read it, feel free to click the link below:

Students try one week with no Facebook, Texting

After seeing it, I started to wonder just how much different life would be right now if I was to do away with social media for one week, and take a trip down memory lane, when all of these tools were not at my disposal. With that being said, starting today, I will go one week without using the following:

No e-mail
No texting
No Facebook
No Twitter
No BBM
No internet

Basically, the only thing I'll use my phone for is to talk. That's it. The Facebook and Twitter ones will be easy, but the others will be hard as hell. Just from habit, I'm used to rolling over and turning on my laptop and checking my texts, e-mails, and BBMs. Nothing is impossible, though, and it's really something that's intriguing me. Folks always talk about how impersonal communication has become, so taking a trip back in time will be interesting...to say the least.

We'll see how it goes, and this time next week, I'll report back with my perspective.

12/13/10 @ 1:47 A.M.

In my Bubble

2010-11-23T01:49:00.003-06:00

There's plenty of good going on right now, as well as silly, but nothing that merits any poetry, a story, or anything like that. Sometimes, you can say plenty without saying a word, and right now, I'd say this is one of those times.

It feels good to be at peace. It's truly a rarity these days when that peace is disturbed. I'll take that trade anyday.

11/23/10 @ 1:51 A.M.

Defeat

2010-10-18T19:41:00.004-05:00

WTF is wrong with me? No pair of contacts or the eyeglasses are necessary to see...that our time has run out.

Gotta learn to let go, and keep my dignity in the forefront. There's no need to point fingers or blame her for pulling any particular stunt.

It's merely a case of actions speaking louder than words, and once you've lived long enough, you realize pointing fingers is not the way to go. She's on my mind constantly, yet it's not the same, which our recent meeting and subsequent lack of interactions show.

To sum it up as infatuation would be cheap, but to define it as love may be a lil' too much, even with the moment being what it is. Just by this admission alone, humility is being shown...loud and clear. Just like D and The Root, it's safe to concede complete and total defeat is finally here.

10/18/10 @ 7:48 P.M.

T.D.I.R. Part Three: Commitment

2010-09-24T16:02:00.004-05:00

To some, the word is as daunting as its length; they see it, and automatically associate it with something too tough and can't be done. It's looked at as too much of an obstacle; something that can't possibly be won. It's seen as a concept that only applies when dealing with something else, whether it's a person, a job, or something so good, it has to be from kind of dream. Little do they know it's much more internal in nature, more than they've ever seen.

People walk away from stuff everyday, and why? The reasons are numerous and just as vast. Maybe the return they put in is coming slow, when it was expected to be quick and fast. Perhaps society deems it okay to just give up, which also explains why the elite, in any walk of life, consists of a select few. Whether it's music, family, sports, or any other endeavor, the desire to try, improve, flourish, and succeed in their eyes clearly outweighs an inconvenience or two.

Plus, there's a personal sense of fulfillment that comes with commitment; finding a way to get it done and persevere. Speak it into existence and keep at it, and before you know it, your destination will come into focus and the finish will be near.

9/24/10 @ 3:59 P.M.

T.D.I.R. Part Two

2010-09-15T03:48:00.005-05:00

It's one of those dreams that came while being wide-awake again.

Weights on my shoulders, lowering myself down and rising back up. The exercise is routine, yet the thoughts swirling within were anything but.

Something flashed quickly in my mind, but it had to wait. It dangled right in my face, and didn't even require any kind of bait. Can this really be done? Does it even have to? It would be more efficient to do it the old-fashioned way, but doing it like this may lead to more discovery than words, sentences, and other correspondence can ever say.

It's something to think about, and best believe, it won't take long. All it's gonna take is a lil' reassurance, and just like that, I'll be gone.

9/15/10 @ 3:58 A.M.

T.D.I.R. (Turning Dreams into Reality)

2010-09-06T00:52:00.003-05:00

It takes a lot to allow yourself to let go and dream.

You have to remove yourself from the reality, the usual occurences, and how they seem.

Thing is...as cool as it is to dream, how much better would it be to make those same dreams come true?

In order to do so, it'll take a lot more lettin' go than I've ever been used to...

...but I'm willing to try.

9/6/10 @ 12:49 A.M.

Currently

2010-09-05T15:47:00.003-05:00

Life is too good to complain.

I've taken two trips to Manhattan in the last 30 days to do media work for Nike. From this day forth, the only brand you'll see on my feet is Nike. Well, American Eagle, too, but they're not a sports brand, so it's cool.

Familiar faces are acting familiar. Newer ones have emerged, favorable or otherwise.

Grad school is almost over. Time to get these Ph.D. applications fired up.

It's football season, which means for the next five months, I will be the total opposite of the ideal and eligible bachelor. Friday through Monday will be occupied by football. Hey, I've been free since January, so there are no apologies being made on my part.

God is good; not some of the time, but all the time.

Inspire Me.

2010-08-29T01:43:00.005-05:00

A decision came about recently that commands respect, yet it's tough to completely understand. Things occured which ended with results which were unintended and certainly not planned. A fellow Leo once wrote, "when I find myself becoming content, inspire me..." so leave it to another to paint an alternative picture for you to see.

No hard feelings were the parting words, yet they were taken directly to heart. The picture being painted is still very much in progress, so there's no need to retreat to the beginning for a fresh start. Besides, the work that's been put in perfectly fits the specifications of the subject at hand...similar to Sade singin' a tune that she didn't intend, yet it sounded amazing with the sounds of her band. They went into the booth with differing ideas, yet they still teamed to make a song you can light candles to all night and let burn. As smooth as it was though, the chemistry didn't come in one take; it came with patience, understanding, and a desire to learn.

One party has the vocals, while the other is the band. The former can certainly find anyone to play the tune, so it's up to the latter to show they belong. Rest assured in knowing you don't have to entertain a thing, because once the strings, chords, and arrangements take shape, you'll feel more than inspired enough to sing this very song.

8/29/10 @ 1:26 A.M.

Trust Re-Visited

2010-08-05T05:06:00.009-05:00

Life has taught me to trust is to court disappointment, occasionally even disaster
- William Forrester

Some people look at trust as something to be earned; like a badge of honor that's obtained through time, words, and deeds. They see it as the culmination of efforts put forth; a tree that grew from an endless amount of time and seasons, despite only coming from a small number of seeds. At one time, my view of trust was similar as well. It was something to be earned...but these days, I'd rather give it to you in the beginning, and hope it's handled with care and doesn't leave me battered, bruised, or burned.

Folks are gonna do what they're gonna do, whether trust is given after a year, a month, or a day or two. There's no need to make someone jump through hoops to prove they're worthy of it, even through the misdeeds of a select few. If that means courting disappointment comes with it, then I'll just make sure to have on some clean clothes, and a fresh pair of shoes. Besides, when it's comes to putting effort into something, it's never done with the intention to lose.

If it ends in a loss, so be it. Charge it to the game, take a breather, and get back in. The game of life stops for no one. Besides, you can't lose 'em all, and when it's all said and done, you'll be on top, and feelin' even brighter than the sun.

8/5/10 @ 5:03 A.M.

Intimate

2010-07-27T02:40:00.005-05:00

Embedded...laid up together, with scant sounds. The scene's too vivid. This can't be real...and even though it's not in my visual, it's something I can still see and totally feel.

Sounds of The Root playing in the back, while you lay between my legs, nestled close, your glass of wine on the side, and hair grazing the bottom of my chin. If I was to fall asleep, it would only be to wake up and experience this feeling all over again...

The most intimate time, you with something in your hands, with things even lighter gliding between your fingers...me behind you with one of my own, allowing this to last forever, while every detail lingers.

The sounds of pages turning are the only other ones next to the music and our respective breaths. It truly is something to see. Never have I been more eager to relax, release, let go...and just read.

7/27/10 @ 2:35 A.M.

Not Ready

2010-07-15T04:59:00.004-05:00

When the thoughts were in my head, they all sounded good and flowed so well. Yet once they went on paper, they looked like shit, which left me frustrated as hell. It sucks not being able to share, to elaborate on lust, passion, sex...you know, the thoughts that can keep anyone up late at night. Too bad they're confined to my dome, because sharing them outwardly woulda been some kinda sight.

Soon enough "the jones" will return; all I gotta do is be cool, and remain steady. Until then, bits and pieces will do the trick, and as far as anything extensive goes...no need to rush it. I'm simply not ready.

7/15/10 @ 5:09 A.M.

I Won't (Thoughts from the Highway)

2010-06-27T17:37:00.002-05:00

A wise woman once sang...

"...don't give up on love, because..what I did to you..."

...so I won't.

6/27/10 @ 5:13 P.M.

Block

2010-06-26T02:33:00.002-05:00

The urge to say something...to write has been evident for months on end. It's there, even if it seems to be infrequent and sparse. Even with the desire burning to speak, nothing comes out, but it doesn't mean I'm speaking lies or my feelings are a farce.

It just...has to feel right...pure...regardless of what day it is, or the hands on the clock. Until that time comes, speech will remain erratic, as more attempts are made to get around this block.

6/26/10 @ 2:36 A.M.

Photo courtesy of Scripted Libations

Brief

2010-06-22T05:19:00.003-05:00

Although my verbal and physical exude positivity from every part of my soul, some of the writings present would lead one to believe I'm the opposite of this particular role.

To be honest, when it comes to matters of the heart, they're simply easier to express, even as the risk of vulnerability and lookin' weak. Yet, I know image isn't everything, and since that's the case, the balance remains intact that took forever to seek.

6/22/10 @ 5:23 A.M.

Goodbye

2010-06-09T00:49:00.008-05:00

1. a parting; a farewell.

In every encounter you have, two things are certain: there's a beginning, and there's an end. It's as sure as anything in the world. Some endings end peacefully, while others make your blood boil and your toes curl, but the thing is...they end. That's just the way things go, no matter the person or their name...and when it happens, regardless of how parties feel, the only thing you can do is charge it to the game.

But some endings, conclusions...the culmination of events can be tough to digest and hard to accept. You express yourself to levels you didn't know you had, until there's literally nothing left...and when you realize the other party seemingly didn't feel how you did, it's hard to swallow. Yet, when the pure and total truth finally comes out, it makes it easy for your mind to move on, and your heart to follow.

There's never been a time when things have been more clear, when peace-of-mind was so near, shining, with no need to cover your eyes with a hand and peer. Realizing that this is officially over is bittersweet, but it allows this book to have a proper ending; one fitted with the truth and free of a lie. It allows it to be put in a box, and for it to end with one last word...goodbye.

6/9/10 @ 2:30 A.M.
Photo by Clifton Henri

R.F.K. The Conclusion

2010-05-23T01:32:00.006-05:00

Life has a way of bringing thoughts to the surface. What was once in your mind becomes all too real. What was once just something you envisioned ended up becoming something you embrace and can feel.

Thing is...what to do? What's done when a vision becomes reality? Do you embrace it, or do you run? Do you treat it like it's toxic, or do you relish it and have some fun? The latter was the choice, and even though it's led to this, a stoppage of sorts, where things were said that weren't necessarily prepared for, it's still something that will be treasured forever and a day, even if those days may end up being no more.

You can know someone so well, but when they occupy a different space in your life, you learn to know them all over again. Despite the fact the foundation is laid, you still have to work, and let 'em know this is for real, and not pretend. When it was just a figment of my imagination, the only parts that surfaced were the good; no thoughts rarely surfaced of anything that could be seen as bad. Never one time do you think that person, or you, can do something that leaves you confused, bewildered, or mad.

After thinking it over, the feelings of anger are gone, and are instead replaced with knowing that all things, good or bad, have a way of coming to an end. But since it's well-known that who this is intended for will see it, despite the conclusion, there'd be zero hesitation to do it all over again.

5/23/10 @ 1:39 A.M.
Photo by Clifton Henri

High in the Sky

2010-05-18T17:50:00.003-05:00

You found a way into my thoughts, despite being well above 10,000 feet. It never ceases to amaze how, even from this far a distance, my soul finds yours to meet. However, it isn't a meeting based on mutuality; not something that's agreed upon. It's of a different manner, one that's been avoided for far too long.

We're not meant to be...in any form. Not as friends, lovers, or even, excuse my french, just to fuck. See, it's been avoided for so long, yet it's been over, with no further traces of luck. The signs were all there, and for that, there's no one to blame, but the person who's composing this piece. Charging it to the game is the only direction left to go, even if that's the method that's embraced the least.

Once this plane hits the ground, another journey officially comes to an end, and even though familiar grounds await, establishing contact with you isn't an option, with these words serving as evidence of resisting the urge to do so, ever again.

5/17/10 @ 10:55 PM

Introspection

2010-05-03T14:04:00.004-05:00

1. the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes, etc.

As corny as this looks, it came from being in the shower, wiping off the scent of a night's past. It was the mere feel of laying alone, void of another figure, that put everything on blast. Rinse. Wash. Rinse. Dry. It's all so routine...yet something so simple and mundane led to a revelation that previously went unseen.

Things are outta wack.

But how and why is this even taking place? Why are there so many events and things swirling inside that conflict, despite the sole reflection being only your face? Shit, it aint like you look in the mirror, and the physical changes with each glance; it stays exactly the same. Then again, when you have various characters come in and out of your life, it's damn near a miracle that you remember your OWN name...let alone theirs. Perhaps it's time to withdraw some more, and see how things fare. Besides, to ignore or downplay it any longer would only make you worse for wear.

5/3/10 @ 1:55 P.M.
Photo by Clifton Henri

Today

2010-04-26T18:18:00.002-05:00

There are plenty of times when I have something to say, but when the pen comes out to hit my journal, I become lost, and have no idea how to find the way.

It's more that these thoughts are a blur, just tryna find a way to come together and form something that can be viewed...but when they come together, it can be just as vivid as seeing a perfect ten in the nude.

It'll come in time, I suppose. It always does, right? Until then, the gloves will remain my locker. Besides, I'm more prone to search and love, instead of get angry and fight.

4/21/10 @ 3:41 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

H.E.A.L.

2010-04-05T02:15:00.004-05:00

Honesty...is the key to it all. It makes no sense to ignore the pain that occurs from the fall. Yeah, it hurts, and making it go away is a difficult task. Facing it head-on is even tougher, and makes you think the feeling is always gonna last...but it's gone now, and at least subsided to the point where it won't be coming back.

Eagerness...to make sense of everything that went down. Being unconcerned with how it makes you look, even if it comes off as lookin' like a clown. Others can't handle it when things don't go their way, but you do, which lets you know you're better now than you were in previous days...

Acknowledge...what made you feel like this in the first place. Sure it sucks, but it's even worse if you lie and wonder why you continue to finish last in every race. Some things don't make sense, but you still should acknowledge that they're there...and once you do, and patch your errors up, you'll get to the front, regardless of when or where.

Learn...that it's okay to fall, and normal to bruise. When it comes to people you love, the journey will be anything but a cruise. There are some parts on my body that hurt as well, so I know exactly how you feel. Just now that once you're 100 about it all, it makes it so much easier for 'em to heal.

4/3/10 @ 1:51 P.M.

Falling

2010-03-22T00:35:00.006-05:00

When people fall at significantly different speeds, someone usually hits the ground hard. - "Jenkins"

...and just like that, the feeling was replayed.

The sound it made was unexpected, and even if there was a warning, no preparation was sufficient enough to avoid its sure-fire dent. It's worse than knowing you're about to be put out for being deliquent on the last three months rent...but this aint about a coupla bills and some change. The depth of this blow couldn't be detected with the sharpest of shooter's range. And while the other party got a band-aid to cover up the blow, there wasn't enough stitches in the world to stop this blood and its flow...from what happened from the fall. It's exactly why there's a reluctance to try, even when knowing the opposite of this results in the greatest thrill. It's just that after that last fall, it seems wise to retreat to the sidelines, and chill.

3/22/10 @ 12:29 A.M.

Trigger

2010-03-07T16:32:00.004-06:00

2. an event, occurence, etc. that sets off a chain reaction.

Thoughts of you returned again, and this time, there was no attempt to figure out why. It stemmed from something coming up soon; staring me in the face, despite no attempt to figure it out or try. Is it fair that something totally unrelated finds a way to still come along? Just like when you put on a seemingly different record, in essence, it sounds just like the same old song.

Someone once said love is stronger than pride, and in it, all of the lyrics ring true. It would be foolish to think it applies to any and everyone, but it certainly does to you. However, there's a peace in knowing, one day, thoughts will stop becoming words on paper, as it goes for this tale. Days will continue on as always, with not a single doubt or fail. You're not like the others, and to say you are, would be a lie I'm not willing to endorse. Yet, peace of mind is the priority now, and it's officially taken the front seat on this course.

3/7/10 @ 1-something this afternoon

Strategy

2010-03-03T11:08:00.006-06:00

Rarely was a trip more anticipated than this. It wasn't because of a football game, to see some hoops, or a trip to an amusement park either. It was more than that, and even though the trip seemed long, there was no desire to come up for a breather. The mere thought of being submerged within was so strong, yet there was no concern of passing out. After all this time, a reminder was shown of what authentically good times are truly all about.

Even with that, things are in the way, which we know are too much to overcome. Unlike times past, that reality doesn't turn into anger or any other negative feelings to ponder where they're coming from. It's because a friendship, a true friendship, was established first; one that developed for years, which provided a great foundation to withstand what life tends to bring. Despite that, saying "lets just be friends" is an insult, because of all that our interaction truly means.

Someone once said "quitting while you're ahead isn't the same as quitting," and that statement rings true, especially here. And even though our interaction will be re-defined, it won't tail off, because I'll always be near.

3/3/10 @ 11:24 AM

Photo by Clifton Henri

At The Moment

2010-02-27T17:12:00.005-06:00

I haven't written in a while, because there's been an inability for me to formulate thoughts, visions, hopes, and feelings into words that are worth reading.

It's coming, though. It has to.

Be easy.

2/27/10 @ 5:13 PM

Photo by Clifton Henri

Random

2010-02-09T19:31:00.007-06:00

All sorts of thoughts are swimming and swirling through my mind. For the most part, they're nice and calm, with nothing appearing to be the opposite of kind. Seems like they're going all over the place, yet they're all in tune. And even though patience is a virtue, I wouldn't mind if all this began to make sense pretty soon.

Some days are occupied with uncertainty, sprinkled in with a lil doubt. You don't even have to know my story to know just what I'm talkin' about. Because if you've ever felt strongly about something, then you know exactly what I mean, but once things piece themselves together, it'll be the most profound vision ever seen.

2/9/10 @ 7:46 P.M.
Photo by Clifton Henri

R.F.K.

2010-01-29T18:22:00.006-06:00

Part One - 6/7/06
Part Two - 6/18/07

As far back as 2006, I had visions of a place that seemed so far away, and maybe it was at first. I could see it clear as day, but the way in which I did couldn't have been much worse. It was indeed in my imagination, even though the visions appeared to be real...and even though there wasn't much at the time to bargain with, we both already knew the deal.

Fast-forward to a year later, and the visions became songs, with different characters playing the lead. It was amazing to see what grew, simply from an imaginary seed. Then again, there's truth in every tale, even if that tale appears to be tall. The time was yet to be determined, which was even better, since it forced me to remain ready, and be on-call.

And recently...the visions became reality, in ways better than I ever thought. The excitement of the times came from so many places, that it was imperative for 'em all to be caught. But instead of pictures, journals, and other keepsakes, they'll be stored where it all began...right there in my mind, and anytime I'm in need of a reminder, they won't be too hard to find.

1/29/10 @ 6:20 P.M.
Photo by Clifton Henri

Higher Education

2010-01-18T01:03:00.007-06:00

Thoughts of having tenure comes across the brain from time-to-time. May be hard to believe, given what's seen in the present, as well as the past. Even though the work seems endless, the joys that comes along override it, and make things last. Will that day ever come? Perhaps, even though there's no projected date. Besides, the journey is where it's at, and as long as the vision remains fixed, God certainly won't be late.

Being part-time faculty brings the freedom to move freely, but stability isn't at the top of the list. And even though you can basically move with lil-to-no penalty, it's getting easier to stay still and resist...the urge to just get up at the first sign of friction and go. Besides, things could turn out for the better, if there's less thought as to the current position, and instead just...take things slow.

Higher education can be quite the journey, as is being found out in the present-day...and the best part is knowing the most gratifying success is coming...somehow, someway.

1/18/10 @ 12:57 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Confessional

2010-01-13T01:03:00.006-06:00

We could be on separate planets

The Earth or the Moon

Heart to heart, we're still in tune

And you know, you know (hearts don't lie)

I don't even care if we're not together

Cause that's the part that never lasts forever

I bet you always will.

-Tweet

She said it better than it could ever be said.

Be easy.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Sometimes When You Win, You Actually Lose, and Sometimes When You Lose, You Actually Win

2009-12-31T21:44:00.003-06:00

Note: This is a quote that was uttered by the beautiful and fine-ass philosopher, Rosie Perez, in White Men Can't Jump. Also, excuse the length of the title. I know there's a forbidden rule of having more than twelve words in a title, but this isn't APA, so who cares?

Have you ever gained clarity through losing something? Folks tend to look at loss as a negative, but it can actually work out favorably, if it's put in a proper perspective. It isn't easy to view loss in that way, and it takes maturity, and a level of humility to do it, but if you can, it certainly helps to deal with the way life works. Two things happened this year, that pretty much sums up this quote for me. Earlier this year, a friend of mine was killed, and at the time, I didn't really know how to cope with losing someone who did so much good, while doing the small things people taken for granted. In her loss, I gained the urgency to be courteous to EVERYONE in sight. That's what she was able to do, which is partly why she was loved by so many people.

The second was losing my job, which was immediately easier to cope with, in all honesty. Even though I lost the job, I gained the importance of doing something you love doing, as opposed to simply getting a check. It looks easier said than done, but from first-hand experience, it's so much more fulfilling to pursue your passion, and if it comes at the expense of not having as much money, who gives a shit? Trust, I made decent money, but I was KILLING my spirit everyday, because I was doing something I hated. Plus, money has always been boring to me anyway, but when you make a lil bit of it, it can be easy to lose focus. I was winning, but I was still losing. So when the layoff came (which was the day after The Thriller died), I actually won. For one, God got me out of a situation that was internally toxic for me, and two, I got a chance to go back home, and watch Michael Jackson videos all day. Anyway, some people say "fake it 'til you make it," but that phrase just doesn't do it anymore, because I've been there.

Happiness and serving a purpose come first now. Money will follow, but I had to lose first, in order to understand the meaning. This year may be memorable for some, because of loss, but if you can try to gain some insight from each situation, you can still win. The only reason I've been able to look at everything that's happened this year, without losing my mind, is because of that man they call GOD, and because of Him, I've never been more at peace.

Be easy.

12/22/2009 @ 2:19 P.M.

Love Re-defined

2009-12-17T04:42:00.007-06:00

Using the word "love," when it comes to you, has never been enough. Besides, it's a word that's been used plenty of times before. To come up with another term is worth the effort, since you're entire being is one I've come to adore.

See, I know what love feels like, and it never felt like this. Knowing the sound of your voice is one that, even in a crowded room, I couldn't possibly miss. Or the fact that our lips don't even have to touch, yet I can still feel your kiss, and realizing you came through and surpassed any and every guideline that comprises a prototypical list.

That aint love at all; it's something deeper, and much stronger. Gettin' you outta my system is a process that's simply gonna take a lil longer. Then again, the slightest sight, sound, or instant can trigger a variety of memories in my mind. Maybe that's what it means to understand a love re-defined.

12/17/09 @ 4:12 A.M.

End to the Beginning

2009-12-02T02:26:00.005-06:00

A kiss is how we departed, with our collective word that we'd see each other again soon, and even when the elements are different, our times together carry the exact same tune.

Before that, we hold each other close, embracing, arms and hands around each other gently, but in no hurry to let each other go. There can't be a better feeling than to be holding you close, and if there is, it's one I have zero desire to know.

Words were exchanged throughout our interaction, along with laughs and that ever-present smile. It's safe to say this feeling hasn't been experienced with anyone else in quite a while. Steady thankful it's present, and right here in this place, yet the potential for it was evident from the first time I ever laid eyes on your face...

12/2/09 @ 2:33 A.M.

Simplicity at its Best

2009-11-19T00:42:00.005-06:00

Two kids walking each other home from school, a boy and a girl.

Takin' a trip back then reminds me how those times were some of the best spent in the world.

No worries about broken hearts, false words, or the potential of things going wrong.

And even though the times have changed, the desire remains to write a familiar type of song.

...it's just about finding the right muse.

11/7/09 @ 3:09 A.M.

Is That a Friend of Yours? Nah, Just Somebody I Know.

2009-11-11T12:08:00.011-06:00

There's a line in Devil in a Blue Dress that's so simple, yet it packs a punch. Easy was choppin' it up with Joppy, when a dude walks into Joppy's bar to chop it up with the both of 'em. When the dude leaves, Easy (played by Denzel) and Joppy (played by Mel Winkler) share a brief, but unforgettable exchange:

Easy: "Who's that, Joppy? A friend of yours?"

Joppy: "Just somebody I know."

Now, some people may look at that, and ask why I make such a huge deal about those simple words. My answer: because it's true. Joppy didn't mean it in a bad way; he just meant that ol buddy is someone who knows his name, and vice-versa. They're not friends, and that's cool.

I've been fortunate to have people I can call friends, and I've also been fortunate enough to have people I know; at this stage of living, it's easy for me to decipher the two. However, the common thread is this: they all get equal respect from me. I don't respect a friend more than I respect someone I know. Now, I will give a friend more time than just someone I know, but that's because friendship is earned, while you can just know a motherfucker, ya know? I don't see that as constituting a lack of respect. Respect isn't something that's a tangible (see/touch/taste/smell/hear) quality. That's just me; it's how I was raised (parents), how I've been bred (Willie McCullough), and how I choose to live my life. I'll do other fucked-up shit from now til I die, but I can find peace in knowing I respect everyone fully, from jump.

Now things can transpire during interaction with people, and that's the part I'm working on correcting; tryna be less of an asshole when things don't go my way, and be more humble instead; tryna watch the urge to cuss a motherfucker out, and instead listen to where they're coming from, respect it, digest it, and if things continue down an undesirable road, then depart peacefully (whether the departure is us hanging up the phone, leaving each other's presence for a short time, or even for good). Even if we disagree, then at least we're doing it in peace. I'm all for confrontation, but I don't wanna do that all the time. Lord knows it's been a test, but it's one thing to say it, and another thing to do it...and right now, I'm doin' it.

I don't know; maybe this shit isn't making any sense. Just needed to vent. Wooosah....

Be easy.

"Simpler Times" photo by Clifton Henri

Mitchell and West Street: Appreciation Part Two

2009-11-07T04:51:00.004-06:00

The John Legend song just crept up; you know, the one that led to a slow dance on the living room floor still plays vividly in my head. We moved slowly, and whispered along to every single word he said. I never once told you how those several minutes in time kept my entire soul fed, so I'll do it now, and tell you how this tale should always be remembered and read...

There's gonna be some stuff in here that I never intended for you to see. Like how we ran into each other on the yard, not too long after you made 23. Or how, at the time, Chick-Fil-A lemonade was your drink of choice, and how I knew we would be bound for life, from one fateful evening, despite the fact of having yet heard the sound of your voice.

Plenty has passed since then; your first event on 4/21/05, and the excitement that lead up to the night, yet it still goes back to one well before then, which brings all and everything to the light. It consisted of a library, peace and quiet, and two people coming toward each other, crossing paths, with no idea except to move right along. Yet that's when it all began; when you granted me the pleasure of starting an everlasting bond...

11/7/09 @ 3:59 A.M.

Photo by...I Don't Know Who Took Her Picture

If It Wasn't For You: Appreciation Part One

2009-10-30T19:06:00.006-05:00

Note: There's no such thing as being "self-made." We all need help. Folks should know they're appreciated, and I will write as many of these as I can, for as many people as I can.

If it wasn't for you, this dream and goal would've remained postponed. It woulda stayed in my head, and simply been talked about...but because of your encouragement, it's led to a change in direction that's got me on the proper route.

When the time comes for that final walk across the stage that comes along with the title of Ph.D., it'll be due, in large part, to the kindness and greatness of a person bearing the initials, PDB.

10/30/09 @ 7:12 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Sleepless

2009-10-29T05:22:00.008-05:00

...the picture right here? Yup, that's far from what I'm doing right now. Can't sleep worth a shit tonight; well, this morning.

...Longing to Tell is an amazing book. As a man, it shakes me up to read some of the tales of the women who were courageous enough to tell their story.

...recently re-connected with an old buddy, via phone last week, while I was on my voyage across the highways. It was one of those "pinch-yourself-to-see-if-this-is-real" phone calls. In our own unorthodox way, we keep up with each other, yet keep a healthy distance. In this particular case, it's better than not communicating at all.

...how strange is it to come across someone, and when you explore a lil bit, they're actually more fly than you originally thought?

...life is always good, and even when it aint goin' that great, I'll probably tell you it's good anyway. God is good, and the fact that I'm even able to type this is living proof. Be thankful for everything.

10/29/09 @ 5:22 A.M.

At Times, I Don't Give a Fuck

2009-10-27T12:41:00.009-05:00

...the statement above can be counter-productive to your quest for self-growth, but honestly, there are just times that I don't care...and that's fine.

...one of the reasons why I hold Dr. West and other people like him in such high regard, is because they will challenge EVERYTHING, but it's done with respect, and out of sheer curiosity. I don't have that kind of courage (yet), and don't wish to use that much energy (yet).

...some friends have become "just people I know," while some "people I know" have become friends. Life works like that, and sometimes, I don't wanna know why.

...hypocrisy is...fascinating. I think that's why I'll always say 'Pac is the man for life. Yeah, he was a hypocrite, but he spoke from his heart. I'll take that anyday.

...when you're searching for truth in yourself and clarity, there are gonna be things that conflict; there may be times when things are said that are contrary to what you believed yesterday, but guess what? As long as its genuine, keep searching. Who cares if people don't like it? They aint God.

...sometimes, people use $40 words to convey a $5 thought. I still don't know how to feel about that.

...on one hand, single is cool. You can talk to as many women as you want, and as long as its done with respect (is that an oxymoron?), then I see no problem with it. Women can do this, too. Oh yes; you can be a queen, and talk to as many dudes as you want, as long as you do it with respect for yourself and others. On the other hand, it's work to try and be so many things to so many people...yet that doesn't make it a good reason to get in a relationship. It's simple: get in a relationship, because you want to, not because you're tired of being single.

...genuine and real are not synonomous; they're not the same. If you claim to be real, cool. I'll take genuine any day.

10/27/09 @ 12:55 P.M.

Soul Searching

2009-10-23T16:06:00.024-05:00

...there's a lot of truth in a joke; someone can say something, and then say "awww, I was just jokin'/shittin'/messin' witcha," and while they were, there were also telling the truth. It's kinda fascinating, but also humbling. When the joke's on you, and you know what the person is saying is true, what do ya do? Depends on the context, I guess...

...it would be so much easier to be a neanderthal, because it's expected, yet it's fulfilling to go against the grain. It can be hard, but the joy that comes from it outweighs the negative...

...is there a feeling stronger than love, as it pertains to your feeling for another person? You like someone, come to adore them even, yet love isn't even an adequate word to describe the feeling...

...common courtesy is severely underrated. A simple "hello" to a stranger, opening a door for someone, or exchanging a smile when eye contact is shared, and not a bewildered look, is a lost art.

...there's a story in every book, and not just the one the author presents. There's even a piece of your own in there...

...everyone recovers on their own time; it's another reason why life can be so interesting, even if it doesn't work out in your favor.

...men have self-esteem issues, too. The things some people constitute as being manly, some look at with shame, especially if we've bought into the hype before. Double-standards, as it goes for men and women, are not what that is...

...eliminating my own hypocrisy has been a challenge, but it's one I'm striving for, and one I'll attempt to do for as long as the Lord blesses me with life; I'll keep trying to eliminate it, forever and a day.

...exchanging greetings with one of my heroes recently, The Great Dr. Cornel West.

Be easy.

10/23/09 @ 4:53 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Snapshots

2009-10-21T00:50:00.011-05:00

1) a casual photograph taken with a hand-held camera.

...first-ever crush was in the 3rd grade @ eight years old. Nearly 20 years later, we're still friends, and believe, I don't call everyone that knows my first name, and mine theirs, a friend.

...speaking of which, the word "friend" is overused. It's perfectly cool for folks to not be your friend; in the words of Joppy from Devil in a Blue Dress, that's "just somebody I know." Nothing bad; just aint a friend...and that's fine.

...lost my virginity @ 18. I didn't even wanna do it; just felt like the thing to do.

...fell in love @ 20. Back then, it was in its most raw form; no thinking, just doing.

...you know when people say "you can love someone enough and be selfless enough to leave them, before you hurt them?" I realize what that means now, first-hand.

...I love women. For real, and it aint even about sex anymore. I love the way a woman walks and talks; like how they smile, stand, frown, peer, tilt their head, glance, stare at nothing, look away, all that shit. I flirt like a motherfucker, but the wildest thing is everything I say to a woman is 100% genuine. I just don't act on the stuff I say these days....as much.

...judging is for God only. People should just shut the fuck up and live. If you wanna read someone's life story, go buy their autobiography. Folks will be more than happy to tell it to you, if you shut up long enough to listen.

...men, especially brothers, should treat ourselves better. Get some self-respect; find joy in something; as much as I dislike money as being a motivator, if that's what stimulates you, then go for it. Just be clear of steppin' on someone else to get it.

...if I took away the amount of women I had sex with "just because,"...Lord have mercy. It aint nothin' to take pride in.

...I hope women find pure, genuine and inner joy in themselves, and only seek the company of a man as a compliment, and not to fill a void. Easier said than done, and hopefully everyone can make the journey as useful as can be, with the time God gives us. With that journey, I just hope whoever women come into contact with treat them with love and respect. No matter what you've been through, you're still a queen. Don't let anyone treat or tell you different.

...do what you said you would do, big or small. Do it anyway. Your word is your bond.

...life lessons are being learned in the most peculiar settings. I'm learning humility from watching high school kids play football. When some of these kids make a play, and just walk down the field, and keep from showboating, and lettin' everyone know how great they are, it tells me two things: 1. they got good people in the corner, and 2. act like you already know you're good. Let your deeds show it.

10/21/09 @ 1:29 A.M.

Right Choice

2009-10-16T17:24:00.006-05:00

Upon first glance, it was evident the right choice was made. All the days and miles were all worth the while. The fatigue that was present left my body, the moment I saw your smile. Despite the darkness of the night, it lit up the sky for all who were fortunate enough to see, and even though nothing occured yet, I already had a feeling of how our time together was gonna be.

Over time, the creative side of yours has come out, along with a sense of compassion when life doesn't go your way. And even when the cards dealt aren't in your favor, you still make it a point to never let it affect anyone else's day. It doesn't matter if you're with your crew or all on your own; you still have the ability to shine, which time and events have truly shown.

Laughter is still shared anytime you say you know how to dance, because there's never been any proof, but if there's one thing to know about you, is if you say you can do something, your skills are probably through-the-roof. All jokes aside, you deserve all the good that life presents, because you make it a point to keep it real. It'll continue to be evident that whoever steps to you better check your resume, because you most certainly are a big deal.

10/16/09 @ 4:51 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Your Eyes

2009-10-13T12:44:00.007-05:00

Everyone has a set of 'em, yet they don't possess the powers of yours. One look from you can make the most trifling of man pick up a variety of chores; they can make someone who's already motivated pick up their hectic pace, and feel the urgency of needing to do more. They can help someone who can't swim and stuck in deep waters find the strength to make it back to shore. On top of that, they bring light to darkness, and allow a simple sight to be the complete opposite of a bore.

Maybe it isn't your intention to possess this kinda juice, yet I wouldn't blame you one bit to apply them for any kinda use. Whether its to spark conversation, or keep all attention squarely on you. Truth be told, if others had the ability, they'd do the exact same too. It's impossible to look into them and even attempt to tell any kind of lie; those reasons above, and more, are precisely why I love your eyes.

10/13/09 @ 2:13 P.M.

No Shame

2009-10-05T21:21:00.006-05:00

The day will come when we can take a stroll in the park, just like we're kids again. We'll laugh and smile, with all intentions of making sure our good times never end. The bond will be beyond control, with no chance of being tamed. When it comes, it'll be embraced in full, with absolutely no shame.

It's exactly why I don't worry about the day coming...because the time is certainly near. There's no reason to think I'm trippin' either, because my vision has never been more clear. What I'm tellin' you is authentic, and void of any traces of game. We'll do it together as one, with absolutely no shame.

10/5/09 @ 9:17 P.M.

Photo by Jeremy Biggers

4:04 A.M.

2009-09-30T03:52:00.009-05:00

Here goes another piece, and of course, it just has to be about you...because even in the middle-of-the-night, the vision of your being remains true.

You find a way to continue to make an impact, despite our conscious effort to stay apart. No matter what happens in the future, you've left an indelible print in my heart.

9/30/09 @ 4:04 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Just Friends

2009-09-27T23:16:00.006-05:00

Time has a way of healing all things; wounds, circumstances, and others, just to name a few. It also has a way of affecting interactions, despite what the people involved have already been through. When time ran its course, ours spent together came to an unexpected end, and with that, it's better to leave it as such, instead of attempting to merely be "just friends."

In all honesty, the concept has never made much sense to me; you know, the whole "just friends" thing. At one moment, those times were the definition of genuine, with nothing but eagerness for what the next interactions would bring. That's true friendship, when things simply flow and proceed day-by-day. Anything short of that would be no good, and when presented, the answer will simply be thanks...but no thanks.

9/27/09 @ 11:53 P.M.

Photo courtesy of restaurant Max

Fly

2009-09-22T16:59:00.004-05:00

By your own admission, life is a comedy, and as long as anyone has noticed, you always enjoyed a good flick. But there's a reason why you've always been more than meets the eye, simply because there's no particular way of knowing exactly what makes you tick.

To some, you're the lady behind the bar, keepin' people feeling good by fixing 'em a drink. To others, you're the woman who keeps makes folks experience a variety of thoughts and emotions, simply due to their admiration of how you think. It leaves 'em speechless, or simply with their tongues tied. They know you mean business, whether they like it or not, and know what you say can't be confused for a lie. That smile, demeanor, and loyalty all contribute to what's before their sight, yet they also know you'll be blunt in a second, and always remember that your bark is nowhere near as lethal as your bite.

There's plenty more about you that meets the eye, and tryna sum it up briefly would be impossible, and with that, maybe they'll be more to see. For now though, continue to be that free bird that stays flyin' high, that a majority of people only wish they could be.

9/22/09 @ 4:56 P.M.

Renewed Focus

2009-09-09T11:20:00.016-05:00

I had an epiphany.

All of a sudden, the energy I put into words to describe how I felt about certain situations, women, and anything else are gonna be put into other areas. See, this spot gives me a chance to really just let go, and say whatever is on my mind, heart, and soul, and when that happens, things always seems to be at peace...or if there is disruption, it'll be quelled, if only for a spell.

I'm putting all my energy into living life to the fullest. For me, that means knocking out these classes for my Masters Degree, watching loads of football, taking road trips, and feeding my brain. If I write about a woman, it won't be because I can't get over her. There are only so many ways you can say something, so I'm done with that stage of living and writing.

I'll also be doing a lotta reading, which will have absolutely nothing to do with my coursework. Here are some of the books on my hit list for the next few months:

Be easy.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Hawaii

2009-08-24T22:38:00.004-05:00

You wanna go somewhere peaceful and calm; yet, you left it at that. Maybe it'll serve as therapy, to help your motivation get on track. We all need to step away sometimes, whether it's in our mind, or, in your case, somewhere far away. For your sake, it needs to happen soon, so peace can return to the rest of your days.

But lets be real: there's a lil bit of Hawaii in you already, and anyone with clear enough vision has been exposed. It's in the way you carry yourself, and the manner in which you remain composed. If funds are an issue, life will find a way for them not to be...especially since the time is now for you to experience your own paradise, kinda similar to the ones we already see.

Taking the trip in your thoughts is cool, but this one's gonna require a lil more. The need will have you get on a plane, while having an attendant asking you if you want a drink, even if it's one you've had countless times before. Get on that island, and experience it all, and make sure to take in the view. Experience all the peace and calm it brings, and think about nobody else but you.

8/24/09 @ 10:36 P.M.

Conquering Pride

2009-08-21T00:26:00.005-05:00

I'm really havin' to swallow my pride.

It would probably be easier to pack up my emotions, and hide.

But in order to grow and have peace, you have to face it all, even if it takes me on an uncomfortable ride.

And just hope things are the opposite, once I make it to the other side.

8/21/09 @ 9:35 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Clean House

2009-08-20T01:28:00.005-05:00

Went from episodes of Clean House to messages when not much of anything is being exchanged.

Even though the time shared together then was brief, it was always genuine, and never seemed scripted, forced, or arranged.

Time found a way to heal the wounds, but it also made to where there's not much else to say.

It's obviously the case now, and the only hope is not to take any lack of future interaction the wrong way.

8/20/09 @ 2:03 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Soon Enough

2009-08-11T01:48:00.006-05:00

The luxury of being close in proximity will no longer exist...

When it comes, a sigh of relief will come over me.

The temptation to be in your presence will lessen, and eventually become obsolete...

Which is exactly how it needs to be.

8/11/09 @ 1:53 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri