High in the Sky

You found a way into my thoughts, despite being well above 10,000 feet. It never ceases to amaze how, even from this far a distance, my soul finds yours to meet. However, it isn't a meeting based on mutuality; not something that's agreed upon. It's of a different manner, one that's been avoided for far too long.

We're not meant to be...in any form. Not as friends, lovers, or even, excuse my french, just to fuck. See, it's been avoided for so long, yet it's been over, with no further traces of luck. The signs were all there, and for that, there's no one to blame, but the person who's composing this piece. Charging it to the game is the only direction left to go, even if that's the method that's embraced the least.

Once this plane hits the ground, another journey officially comes to an end, and even though familiar grounds await, establishing contact with you isn't an option, with these words serving as evidence of resisting the urge to do so, ever again.

5/17/10 @ 10:55 PM

Lonely Nights: The Story of a Recovering Addict Part Two

Note: One of the toughest parts during recovery are those lonely nights (trust, it's 4:04 in the damn morning right now). At one time, you had someone special with you, so you never felt alone. No matter what, you could always count on them to be there...

Where your head used to be, now a cold pillow lies. The sounds our two breaths would make, are now replaced by my unemotional sighs. And don't let this go unsaid...I'd rather lay alone on the couch, than without you next to me in my bed.

Think back to happier times. The laughter, the wrestling, you know, the things people tend to take for granted. It must have been, because it took this flame having to be extinguished from my life to gain a total appreciation and understandin'...of what we had.

So for tonight, this ink is you, and this paper is me...and we're one. Different, yes, but nontheless, we're one. When I have another night like this, I'll just open my book, come to this page, and smile, maybe even laugh, and remember what we once had...and instead of feelin' sad, I'll replace it with bein' glad, and realize that not all lonely nights...have to end so bad.

Good night.

1/5/07 @ 4:09 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Lonely

1. solitary; companionless; isolated.

There are times when you may truly ask yourself...what can be worse??

To be alone, in a sense where noone is around and feels you, or to be in the company of others, but knowing that the actions and words coming from you just aint true. Your compliment is either too far away, or you just may not be on the same page; it could be that you keep the same company, but it still feels like they're outta your range. That person can be the battery to the clock that helps you tick, and without it, it simply doesn't work the same. So you go elsewhere to find a replacement, but you soon realize you're playin' yourself, even if it looks similar or shares the same name...

so you wait.

And as time passes, things don't get better; they just kinda...go along. And it starts to remind you of what that cat was talkin' about in one of those old love songs. Maybe it's gonna be forever, or simply for a minute; it might start back up so strong that we know what we have will never diminish...

...but what if it doesn't start back up? What if more days and nights pass, and these thoughts never go away? Parts of you are sayin, "be patient; be cool," while others are practically beggin' you to stray. Clarity has to come, so the questions in your mind and soul will disapeer, or the loneliness could get even worse, and that just may be the biggest thing to fear.

10/07/08 @ 12:04 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Restless

It's 4:30 in the morning.

Around this time, I'm usually sleep, but I'm laying here instead, restless, where these thoughts of mine continue to creep.

I wanna yell, curse, and scream at the same time, but it would do no use; need to have a conversation with my two halves, and come to some sort of resolution and truce. Something like this was sure to happen; a night where I couldn't sleep, and it would surface through the pain of a throbbing tooth. Then again, it's probably just a reflection of my mind, body, and soul right now, and through this pain, it's forcing to confront the necessary truth.

I don't wanna feel like this anymore. This pain has got to vanish, because I don't wanna have anymore nights like these...using the light on my phone as a guide for this pen, and hoping something good can come from this, so I can go back to sleeping peacefully again...

6/25/08 @ 4:38 A.M.

Narcotic

A time like this is a reminder of why I stay away from you intentionally...because, regardless of my demeanor, it's more apparent than ever just how much you truly mean to me. It's a love-hate type of thing; love having you in my sights, but hate some of the effects. It solidifies the fact that I have to add your name to a VERY SHORT list of regrets...

You're like that song on a CD that I can put in, press repeat, and let play all the way through. It takes me back to our first ever meeting, and from there, how it manifested, and grew...to something bigger than I ever imagined.

Not tryna feel this vulnerable any longer, so it may be best to go on, and fade to black. We'll say our respective greetings, then keep it moving, and resist the constant urge to wanna go back. I already experienced this with you once before, and I don't know if I have enough left to battle, and conquer another fight, but something has to give, or this will once again be the beginning of a series of sleepless nights..all because of the effects of you.

10/4/07 @ 2:48 A.M.

Photo by Thomas Hopson

Stranded

At times, I feel stranded; even to the point of feelin' abandoned. It's like I'm a shell of myself, like I can see my figure, touch it, but can't do anything to help...

There are those times when a room can be filled with people, doin' a variety of things. It ranges from people laughin' recklessly, or sittin' quietly, while the band plays a tune, with one of 'em smoothly caressing their strings. All the while, I'm in there with 'em, in solitude and alone, but not entirely in peace; just lost in my own thoughts, and doin' my best not to cause any type of unnecessary scenes...

At times, I feel stranded; damn near to the point of feelin' totally abandoned, but not the type that you may see in the streets. Shit, you'd never be able to tell, because even while I may feel like this, I'll smile and speak at ya easily, without even missing a beat.

It's possible to feel alone, despite being in the midst of a crowd, and you may feel like seeking some help, but don't wanna come off as needy or too loud. Don't get to worrying too much, it's simply a reflection of how I get from time-to-time; a glimpse into my soul; a small journey in my tortured mind...

8/3/07 @ 9:56 P.M.

Photo by Thomas Hopson

Be Careful on that Road: Evolution Part Three

Note: I'm pissed off, point-blank. However, instead of launching a verbal assault, I'll diffuse my negative energy through the ink of this pen onto this paper. See, this isn't one of those sob stories. I'm past that shit. I don't wanna come off as some complainin'-ass nigga who wears his lil feelings on their sleeve about how he's been hurt, all the while not admitting his own fault in the situation. That too, is old, foolish, and VERY corny.
Note Two: Picture a car that looks good, may have a dent or two in it. It looks good, sounds good, but it's been through a thing or two, but it still gets the job done (and a damn good job, might I add). That's me. I got some miles on me, but it's cool. Aint one of those brand new whips, and don't wanna be...
God, it was so much better when you were home. Now you're here, and we may as well be miles apart. Damn, when I dig a woman, I DIG a woman, for real. When I'm reduced to an option and not a priority such as I make you, it's frustrating. No, you haven't said it, but it shows in your actions. I just wish I saw it coming...
So where do I go from here? Only one option: keep driving. You see...
I don't love with fear. I'm not that 15-year-old kid that kept hittin' the brakes prematurely, because I didn't know how to drive. Hell, I really had no business behind the wheel. I'm that 24-year-old who glides in and out at varying speeds, occasionally hittin' a hole or two in the road, but still driving smooth and never hesitant to get behind the wheel, regardless of the weather, traffic, and such. Get the drift?
Imma ride with no restraints. I might get a ticket along the way for God knows what because that's how the game works. Shit, I may even mess around, have an accident, and crash. Difference is, I'll just get the shit fixed, and get right back in. Can you say the same? If not, you may wanna get on the service road where they drive slow. 'Cause one thing I do not do, and will not do, is drive with fear. With precaution and mindful of my conditions, yes,...but no fear.
9/13/06 @ 4:11 A.M.