First Steps

It's funny lookin' back sometimes. If you're lucky enough, the reminders are right there, in your peripheral vision. You can see the attempts at it, and it takes you back to your very own rendition...of taking your first steps.

First crawling, then standing straight up, just tryna remain in one place. You're unsure, yet determined to walk, but you fall flat, right on your face. Still, you see other people doing it, and makin' it look so damn easy, and you wanna be like them, so you get up, and try again. It doesn't matter if the result's the same, because you wanna see this all the way through, from the beginning, right 'til the very end.

Sure, there's a couch or a table here; a chair, or a stray toy there, but it's just stuff that's in the way. You're determined to finish your quest, and you're determined to do it today.

Sometimes, I wish I could be that lil kid again...with no fear of what could happen, and no worry of gettin' hurt; but alas, here lies a grown man who's simply left to reminisce...about taking my first steps.

1/24/08 @ 12:11 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

4, 3, 2, 1.

I'm scared of you.

Those four words say it all; the way they felt coming outta my mouth, the sounds they made with their thundering fall. You put fear in my soul, trepidation in my movements, and doubt in my mind. I could wear a life jacket, a helmet, AND a seat belt, and I'd still be unequipped for this type of ride.

You scare me.

Even if I take it from four words to three, the exact same feelings will still reside within me. Not scary-movie, rollercoaster, by-yourself-at-night afraid; but knowing I can't outrun it all, so I just embrace myself for the inevitability of pain...

I'm afraid.

Go ahead, and take away two, and I'll STILL be scared shitless by the sight of you. The feelings are new, yet, they seem familiar. It's like I've seen this before, because too many things are eerily similar. I know there's good on the flip side, but right now, I'm mortified by the one thing that nobody has a remedy for. I'm scared to death...of...

love.

1/16/08 @ 11:06 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

To My Future: Epilogue of an Open Book

Note: You can only be so open, so vulnerable, before people begin to take it as weakness. Even though I know it aint in the case of me, this is a good point for me to reign it in...at least, in a public setting :-)

To My Future,
Hello there. I used to believe you only existed in my dreams, but reality really is this good, or so it seems. I've seen you around the way, and finally worked up the nerve to make a formal introduction, but with a lil twist, and as intimate as possible, minus any possible hint of seduction. Glad you gave me a second...

Am I worthy??? Of course, and that's with no trace of uncertainty. See, I already know what the past has to offer, and that...I'll respectfully decline. It wasn't totally filled with dark days, but I know with you, there'll be plenty of days of shine. And even when there isn't, and the conditions and times change, I'll be ready to adjust. And if you tell me to believe in you, I'll eagerly give you my never-ending trust.

What about the present??? Well, shit...oops. Excuse my french; didn't mean to be so crude, but hell, just look. This IS my present, right now, totally bare, and completely nude. The present's cool, but it aint you, that's for sure. It has its moments, but you...yours seem beyond beautiful, so genuine, and pure...

See, there are traces of both around, but that aint enough. When you get here for good, we'll ride it out together, regardless of how hard it gets, and the number of times it seems impossibly tough. You'll be worth it, worth every bit, every piece, and all those days, and sleepless nights will have finally paid off. When you come, I'll be prepared, and everything I have in stock, inventory, and on reserve...can finally be shared.

Until then, I'll continue to wait...even if it takes forever.

Sincerely,
Me.

12/17/07 @ 12:20 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

The Stupid Things: Open Book Part Three

It's easy for people to reflect on when times are good; times when positive vibes rule above all. But there have been plenty of instances that were beyond stupid, incidents that made you wanna get off your feet, and crawl...and hide ya head in shame, and after that feeling, realizing I never again wanna be the instigator in this particular type of game...

"Shit, why even bother? She aint givin' up the pussy anyway." Even now, I still can't believe that came outta my mouth. It was just one of many instances that showed that that aint close to what being a real man is all about. It's not about how you look in front of your boy that makes you a man; it's treating everyone with respect, treating them like royalty, the way you know you can. The first step to recovery is admitting your mistake, and vowing to never do it again, and stay 100% real, while never doing anything that comes off as fake.

Or another time when I kicked you out my house...but I didn't even have a ride, so I walked, instead of gettin' in the car. Something like that makes ya think I must have camped out at Happy Hour, FOR REAL, and sipped every single drank they had in their bar. Pride'll do it every time, if you let it. Now that was just plain stupid, but something I can laugh about today, but it wasn't cool how I lashed out at you, because you never deserve that type of treatment, regardless of how things are goin' on any particular day.

Just two episodes of many, and there will be more to come. That's a fact of life, that'll always be. The key now is to make strides to eliminate the stupid things, so good ones will be the only things you'll ever see.

12/2/07 @ 1:04 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Song in Progress: Open Book Part Two

I'm searching for peace, in a valley full of chaos; looking for serenity, amongst this place full of endless noise, discomfort, and inconsistent strife. You'd think these would be the thoughts of someone who's losing their mind, but I tend to think they're simply the ones of someone who's just tryna make the most of their life.

See, the need for serenity comes from self-inflicting noise; it comes from no longer wanting to be cool with the way things used to be. Things have slowly, but surely, started to change, and the changes, I can most definitely see. But there's still a LONG WAY to go, before this song will ever be complete...

I've started to think...our days are a rough draft...almost..like practice. Lord willing, we're able to wake up tomorrow, and pick up where we left off, and do better than we previously had done. Patch up the errors, and go back at it, until those mistakes become slim-to-none.

So right now, these days of mine are like my own lil rough drafts; the plan is there, the tools are available for re-vision, and the excitement to finish this song is the type that's never been experienced before. The journey gettin' there will be even better; then the chaos, endless noise, discomfort, and strife...will be no more.

11/28/07 @ 12:27 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Open Book

My life is an open book for all who are willing to read. Some elements are familiar; just like your stories, filled with characters, and plenty of memorable scenes.

But there are some parts that aren't as attractive, and just aren't as nice. The times when I didn't know where I was headed, times when it seemed like there would never be an end to those long, excruciating nights. Episodes that played like re-runs, with no hope of a new season in sight. Someone would come in for the occasional cameo, then would be gone, just like on any regular show. So, it was back to square one, frustrated with another one ending the same, and realizing that I'm the common element in these endings, and it was really just my foolish ways that needed to "exit stage left," and go.

But all isn't entirely bad. There have been plenty of good things; plenty of fun times. Plenty of days where all flows together beautifully, and everything seems to fit together, and rhyme...and be in tune, more than enough days with sunshine, and just as many nights with nothing in the sky but a full moon. My favorite stories from people leave me plenty to think over; it isn't just thrown on the surface for me to see. If a mind is open and fertile enough to accept mine, they won't even have to ask if it's them that I'm talkin' about, because it probably will be.

And there are still questions that need to be answered, and for that, I'll dig endlessly, and get to the root of it, and since this is my most effective form of therapy, I'm eager to do so, even if I'm only finding solace bit, by every little bit...

11/24/07 @ 1:18 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Renovation

1. Overhaul.

2. Make something like new again.

3. Refresh somebody or something.

Some things gotta change, while others need a lil' fine tuning. It's impossible for everything to remain the same, especially, with the way the world's going. Finally realized it's time to make some changes, and even if it aint on the surface just yet, the differences are already showing.

It's kinda like when you construct a masterpiece out of items that seem to be taken for granted. When they're all used together, something extraordinary can emerge. If they're picked and used with care, there's no reason to resort to cheap shit, or use unnecessary capital to splurge. See, this project is similar to what we all see, every single day. Like the stadium currently in process, or when a coupla roads need fixin'; the things you need to do it are right there in front of you, so no need for too much searching, because you already know what you're missin'.

Just like any project that seems like it may take forever, this may just seem like a bundle of mess; may not seem like much just yet. But give it some time, and you'll be blown away for sure, and on MY LIFE, I'll most definitely make the bet...

10/14/07 @ 12:35 P.M.