Restless

It's 4:30 in the morning.

Around this time, I'm usually sleep, but I'm laying here instead, restless, where these thoughts of mine continue to creep.

I wanna yell, curse, and scream at the same time, but it would do no use; need to have a conversation with my two halves, and come to some sort of resolution and truce. Something like this was sure to happen; a night where I couldn't sleep, and it would surface through the pain of a throbbing tooth. Then again, it's probably just a reflection of my mind, body, and soul right now, and through this pain, it's forcing to confront the necessary truth.

I don't wanna feel like this anymore. This pain has got to vanish, because I don't wanna have anymore nights like these...using the light on my phone as a guide for this pen, and hoping something good can come from this, so I can go back to sleeping peacefully again...

6/25/08 @ 4:38 A.M.

Taste Of Your Own Medicine

DAMMIT!

That's the easiest way to sum it up. The best way to put it, because that's exactly what it is. No matter how you try and analyze it; keep guessing, and you'll just continue to miss. There's no point in even tryna turn it all around. It was a matter of time, before your flight experienced some turbulence...and came crashing to the ground.

Intentional or not, this is what its become. You're not about to go fishing for clues, because that's not your style. It would be easier to stay the course, but you wonder if it's really worth it, because you're not built to go the extra mile. So all you can do is laugh...but in a pitiful sort of way, basically to keep from cryin'. You'll try to build yourself a case, but the better part of you will call you out on it, and pretty much say, "nigga PLEASE; you may as well stop lyin'..." to yourself, more than anyone else.

You've never been the questioning type, because you don't like when folks do it to you, and it may serve yourself best to not even try to flip the script now, just to see if these thoughts you're having in your head are indeed true. Right now, the best thing to do is learn from this lesson, and keep it movin'...'cause as long as you continue on in this battle, you're sure to keep on losin'.

5/23/08 @ 9:58 P.M.

Unsolved Mystery

Folks have called me a mystery of sorts...like there's more to all this, than what's in their peripheral vision, but there truly is no answer to this question, and I suggest you realize it quickly, before you waste anymore time on this particular mission.

You see, life isn't meant to be figured out in one meeting, or with an initial glance. You gotta be prepared for anything, and be ready if you're lucky enough to receive another chance. I'd be a fool to expose too much of myself initially, and I'd be crazy to expect the same from you, so you're better off just goin' with the flow, and seeing exactly where it can lead to...

But just when you think you got it all figured out, the script will be flipped, and you'll kick yourself angrily, 'cause you heard these exact same words already come from right between my lips. Trying to figure me out will just piss you off; it'll having you wasting too much of your time, and have you workin' way too hard. So go ahead, and just charge it to the game, and as a matter of fact, you can even put it on my card.

5/11/08 @ 1:09 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

J.O.Y.

Jubilation...being filled with happiness, hope, and life. It makes me feel like I'm worth TEN million bucks. I wanna pack it up, and load it in twice as many empty trucks...and transport it around, and share it with the entire world. We should all feel like this.

Optimistic...knowing there is indeed a reason to live, outside of what's in the papers, magazines, and on the screen. Realizing there's way more to this, than what we've already seen. I know there are obstacles in the way, but I don't care, because beyond that lies rewards that are waiting to be taken and shared...and it's exactly why I gotsta remain this way.

Youth...being overcome with enthusiasm, and just feelin' good. It's like havin' your favorite drink right there with your perfect plate of food; it's damn near as good as the song in your CD player that can ALWAYS put you in the right typa mood. Simply put, this is the one feeling that can put me back in time, take me away from the world, and make me feel like a lil boy. It's the feeling of pure, unadulterated...JOY.

3/9/08 @ 10:22 P.M.

Photo taken by Jeremy Biggers

Simplistic Beauty Revisited

The smallest things can grab the largest amounts of attention, when noticed by one who has an eye for detail. In this case, it's a woman, once again, who's the topic of discussion; one that can be had anytime, with no apprehension or repercussion...and this is why.

There's beauty in silence; hell, I get a rush just from watching her get ready. From the way she combs her hair, to finding those matching shoes with the top to wear. I get that same jones from watching her make the bed, or watching her brush her teeth; from the precision she shows when she's puttin' toe nail polish on her perfectly smooth feet. It's all poetry in motion, a song without music in the back...the most raw and vulnerable kind. The feeling she gives me makes me wanna pack up, and set up shop inside her head, so I can know everything that's goin' on in her mind.

Honestly, there's no other way of putting it. I refuse to believe this feeling is too good to be true, and since it isn't, there's only one more thing left to say...I want you.

3/3/08 @ 11:12 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

First Steps

It's funny lookin' back sometimes. If you're lucky enough, the reminders are right there, in your peripheral vision. You can see the attempts at it, and it takes you back to your very own rendition...of taking your first steps.

First crawling, then standing straight up, just tryna remain in one place. You're unsure, yet determined to walk, but you fall flat, right on your face. Still, you see other people doing it, and makin' it look so damn easy, and you wanna be like them, so you get up, and try again. It doesn't matter if the result's the same, because you wanna see this all the way through, from the beginning, right 'til the very end.

Sure, there's a couch or a table here; a chair, or a stray toy there, but it's just stuff that's in the way. You're determined to finish your quest, and you're determined to do it today.

Sometimes, I wish I could be that lil kid again...with no fear of what could happen, and no worry of gettin' hurt; but alas, here lies a grown man who's simply left to reminisce...about taking my first steps.

1/24/08 @ 12:11 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

4, 3, 2, 1.

I'm scared of you.

Those four words say it all; the way they felt coming outta my mouth, the sounds they made with their thundering fall. You put fear in my soul, trepidation in my movements, and doubt in my mind. I could wear a life jacket, a helmet, AND a seat belt, and I'd still be unequipped for this type of ride.

You scare me.

Even if I take it from four words to three, the exact same feelings will still reside within me. Not scary-movie, rollercoaster, by-yourself-at-night afraid; but knowing I can't outrun it all, so I just embrace myself for the inevitability of pain...

I'm afraid.

Go ahead, and take away two, and I'll STILL be scared shitless by the sight of you. The feelings are new, yet, they seem familiar. It's like I've seen this before, because too many things are eerily similar. I know there's good on the flip side, but right now, I'm mortified by the one thing that nobody has a remedy for. I'm scared to death...of...

love.

1/16/08 @ 11:06 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri