J.O.Y.

Jubilation...being filled with happiness, hope, and life. It makes me feel like I'm worth TEN million bucks. I wanna pack it up, and load it in twice as many empty trucks...and transport it around, and share it with the entire world. We should all feel like this.

Optimistic...knowing there is indeed a reason to live, outside of what's in the papers, magazines, and on the screen. Realizing there's way more to this, than what we've already seen. I know there are obstacles in the way, but I don't care, because beyond that lies rewards that are waiting to be taken and shared...and it's exactly why I gotsta remain this way.

Youth...being overcome with enthusiasm, and just feelin' good. It's like havin' your favorite drink right there with your perfect plate of food; it's damn near as good as the song in your CD player that can ALWAYS put you in the right typa mood. Simply put, this is the one feeling that can put me back in time, take me away from the world, and make me feel like a lil boy. It's the feeling of pure, unadulterated...JOY.

3/9/08 @ 10:22 P.M.

Photo taken by Jeremy Biggers

Simplistic Beauty Revisited

The smallest things can grab the largest amounts of attention, when noticed by one who has an eye for detail. In this case, it's a woman, once again, who's the topic of discussion; one that can be had anytime, with no apprehension or repercussion...and this is why.

There's beauty in silence; hell, I get a rush just from watching her get ready. From the way she combs her hair, to finding those matching shoes with the top to wear. I get that same jones from watching her make the bed, or watching her brush her teeth; from the precision she shows when she's puttin' toe nail polish on her perfectly smooth feet. It's all poetry in motion, a song without music in the back...the most raw and vulnerable kind. The feeling she gives me makes me wanna pack up, and set up shop inside her head, so I can know everything that's goin' on in her mind.

Honestly, there's no other way of putting it. I refuse to believe this feeling is too good to be true, and since it isn't, there's only one more thing left to say...I want you.

3/3/08 @ 11:12 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

First Steps

It's funny lookin' back sometimes. If you're lucky enough, the reminders are right there, in your peripheral vision. You can see the attempts at it, and it takes you back to your very own rendition...of taking your first steps.

First crawling, then standing straight up, just tryna remain in one place. You're unsure, yet determined to walk, but you fall flat, right on your face. Still, you see other people doing it, and makin' it look so damn easy, and you wanna be like them, so you get up, and try again. It doesn't matter if the result's the same, because you wanna see this all the way through, from the beginning, right 'til the very end.

Sure, there's a couch or a table here; a chair, or a stray toy there, but it's just stuff that's in the way. You're determined to finish your quest, and you're determined to do it today.

Sometimes, I wish I could be that lil kid again...with no fear of what could happen, and no worry of gettin' hurt; but alas, here lies a grown man who's simply left to reminisce...about taking my first steps.

1/24/08 @ 12:11 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

4, 3, 2, 1.

I'm scared of you.

Those four words say it all; the way they felt coming outta my mouth, the sounds they made with their thundering fall. You put fear in my soul, trepidation in my movements, and doubt in my mind. I could wear a life jacket, a helmet, AND a seat belt, and I'd still be unequipped for this type of ride.

You scare me.

Even if I take it from four words to three, the exact same feelings will still reside within me. Not scary-movie, rollercoaster, by-yourself-at-night afraid; but knowing I can't outrun it all, so I just embrace myself for the inevitability of pain...

I'm afraid.

Go ahead, and take away two, and I'll STILL be scared shitless by the sight of you. The feelings are new, yet, they seem familiar. It's like I've seen this before, because too many things are eerily similar. I know there's good on the flip side, but right now, I'm mortified by the one thing that nobody has a remedy for. I'm scared to death...of...

love.

1/16/08 @ 11:06 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

To My Future: Epilogue of an Open Book

Note: You can only be so open, so vulnerable, before people begin to take it as weakness. Even though I know it aint in the case of me, this is a good point for me to reign it in...at least, in a public setting :-)

To My Future,
Hello there. I used to believe you only existed in my dreams, but reality really is this good, or so it seems. I've seen you around the way, and finally worked up the nerve to make a formal introduction, but with a lil twist, and as intimate as possible, minus any possible hint of seduction. Glad you gave me a second...

Am I worthy??? Of course, and that's with no trace of uncertainty. See, I already know what the past has to offer, and that...I'll respectfully decline. It wasn't totally filled with dark days, but I know with you, there'll be plenty of days of shine. And even when there isn't, and the conditions and times change, I'll be ready to adjust. And if you tell me to believe in you, I'll eagerly give you my never-ending trust.

What about the present??? Well, shit...oops. Excuse my french; didn't mean to be so crude, but hell, just look. This IS my present, right now, totally bare, and completely nude. The present's cool, but it aint you, that's for sure. It has its moments, but you...yours seem beyond beautiful, so genuine, and pure...

See, there are traces of both around, but that aint enough. When you get here for good, we'll ride it out together, regardless of how hard it gets, and the number of times it seems impossibly tough. You'll be worth it, worth every bit, every piece, and all those days, and sleepless nights will have finally paid off. When you come, I'll be prepared, and everything I have in stock, inventory, and on reserve...can finally be shared.

Until then, I'll continue to wait...even if it takes forever.

Sincerely,
Me.

12/17/07 @ 12:20 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

The Stupid Things: Open Book Part Three

It's easy for people to reflect on when times are good; times when positive vibes rule above all. But there have been plenty of instances that were beyond stupid, incidents that made you wanna get off your feet, and crawl...and hide ya head in shame, and after that feeling, realizing I never again wanna be the instigator in this particular type of game...

"Shit, why even bother? She aint givin' up the pussy anyway." Even now, I still can't believe that came outta my mouth. It was just one of many instances that showed that that aint close to what being a real man is all about. It's not about how you look in front of your boy that makes you a man; it's treating everyone with respect, treating them like royalty, the way you know you can. The first step to recovery is admitting your mistake, and vowing to never do it again, and stay 100% real, while never doing anything that comes off as fake.

Or another time when I kicked you out my house...but I didn't even have a ride, so I walked, instead of gettin' in the car. Something like that makes ya think I must have camped out at Happy Hour, FOR REAL, and sipped every single drank they had in their bar. Pride'll do it every time, if you let it. Now that was just plain stupid, but something I can laugh about today, but it wasn't cool how I lashed out at you, because you never deserve that type of treatment, regardless of how things are goin' on any particular day.

Just two episodes of many, and there will be more to come. That's a fact of life, that'll always be. The key now is to make strides to eliminate the stupid things, so good ones will be the only things you'll ever see.

12/2/07 @ 1:04 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Song in Progress: Open Book Part Two

I'm searching for peace, in a valley full of chaos; looking for serenity, amongst this place full of endless noise, discomfort, and inconsistent strife. You'd think these would be the thoughts of someone who's losing their mind, but I tend to think they're simply the ones of someone who's just tryna make the most of their life.

See, the need for serenity comes from self-inflicting noise; it comes from no longer wanting to be cool with the way things used to be. Things have slowly, but surely, started to change, and the changes, I can most definitely see. But there's still a LONG WAY to go, before this song will ever be complete...

I've started to think...our days are a rough draft...almost..like practice. Lord willing, we're able to wake up tomorrow, and pick up where we left off, and do better than we previously had done. Patch up the errors, and go back at it, until those mistakes become slim-to-none.

So right now, these days of mine are like my own lil rough drafts; the plan is there, the tools are available for re-vision, and the excitement to finish this song is the type that's never been experienced before. The journey gettin' there will be even better; then the chaos, endless noise, discomfort, and strife...will be no more.

11/28/07 @ 12:27 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri