Thirsty

I need a drink of water...

but not just any kind. Any 'ol beverage won't do; it may look clear, but I want some that's so real, it'll leave a brotha thinkin' its WAY too-good-to-be-true. Not the type outta the fountain, either. Hell nah...I need that purified H2O, some FIJI-type ish. The kind that, even lined up with the others, is IMPOSSIBLE to miss.

Maybe it has to do with the time; ya know, it is the middle of the night. Damn near everything is off, even the bulb from my bedside light. It's dark as can be, but the feeling is still there, and even though there's some water in the fridge, for that type, I have no care. That aint gonna quench this thirst. If anything, drinkin' that stuff in there may make it MUCH MORE worse.

...I'm thirsty in the worst way, like Tom Hanks makin' friends with that ball in Cast Away, or the hopeless feeling of seeing a boat pull further and further from the bay...and believe, last thing I wanna do is go crazy. I'm really tryna stay sane, so maybe quenchin' my thirst will give me the same feeling he had when he finally got back on that plane, and alas felt...at peace.

What's left to do? I aint tryna die from dehydration, or something else that can be prevented. Then again, the last thing I wanna do is take a swig from just anywhere, regardless of how cold it is, or how it's being presented. Best thing to do now is just...go to sleep, and hope this thirst subsides, but if it doesn't...it's off to 7/11 I go, and that trip is VERY close by.

8/27/08 @ 2:42 AM

Photo by Konstantin Sutyagin

Slow Motion

Dammit...had a minor setback recently. I wasn't able to get the bread I needed for school, so I gotta sit on the sidelines this semester. I can't afford it outta pocket anymore, so I gotta wait for my GRE scores to get back, so I can get financial aid. Hopefully, things will fall in line (GRE, getting fully admitted into my program, all that jazz), so I can go strong at it, once the Winter comes around. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, though. The process will have to change, because I had this planned out perfectly, but due to timing, and my own missteps, it'll change, but it's all good.

Besides that, things are cool. I'm gettin' a lil better from being in the mindset I was in about two weeks ago, when I was like "fuck this person, that person, etc." It was liberating (don't know if that's the word I'm lookin' for, but it's the one that came out) to vent, and the process to clear my mind hasn't been all that smooth, but it is what it is, ya know?

I wanna make this clear: when it comes to me, I'll NEVER blame a person for single-handedly causing trouble in paradise, causing things to not work out, or any negativity and friction. It takes two to tango, so you will never see me doing any female-bashing, people-bashing, institutional bashing (well, maybe institutional bashing) or any of that corny shit. Sure, I get mad like the next person, but it's completely unrealistic for things to not work out, solely because of one person (regardless of how stupid and evil that one person's deeds may be). The other party probably did something to contribute to them acting that way. There's no tellin', but it's easier to tell if you're true to yourself (which I try my best to be, on a daily basis). Simply put, I'll vent from time-to-time, but I'll also be quick to acknowledge my role, and if I don't, feel free to check me!

Be easy.

Therapy

Lets show people what happens...

when the boundaries are lifted, and we just...take off. The possibilities are endless, and truly have no limits. It's like we could talk forever, with no worries of runnin' over our daytime minutes. There's never a plan for what we're about to do; it's just you and me, for eternity, for all the world to see. There are friends, and there are foes; there's people who talk all that shit, but really wish they were the ones bein' chose. They wish they had what we had, when we throw caution to the wind and just...GO.

Others look and say "man...how do you do it?" For me, it's easy. It just comes naturally. See, we're inseperable, regardless of what's going on in my life. You've found a way to always have my back, when I was clearly the one bein' trife. This feeling I get from you can't be had with anyone else.

And when it's time for us to go our separate ways, I know we'll be back together soon; it's just a matter of time when I'll call your name, and you'll come struttin' back in the room, and have my back, like you always do. So even through it's time to go, I know it'll be alright, and I know it's far from the end. I know it's simply a matter of time, before this paper and pen meet again.

8/21/08 @ 1:27 A.M.

Grown People's Advisory

Note: The following post contains language that is not the everyday verbage that is found at this place of residence. With that being said, Grown People's Discretion is strongly advised :-)

*deep breath*

You know, I usually don't sweat things, or people. It really takes a lot to truly, TRULY piss me off. Granted, things do indeed get under my skin (bad grammar, people thinking there's a woman who is actually BADDER than Halle Berry, someone saying Kobe is better than Jordan), but they hardly fester or come up to the point where I truly get angry by it. I just remove that person, or those thoughts, from my existence. Lately though, I can't say that's been the case. Lately, things have happened that have pissed me off, almost to the point of no return, and when that happens, you can't tell me SHIT. By then, I'll feel like I've already voiced my opinions and concerns in a respectful manner, way before I ever had to lose my cool. However, in this case, I figure writing about it is better than me cussin' somebody out, because I'd rather not let anyone have THAT MUCH control over my emotions.

The easiest ways to truly piss me off, and make me not wanna fuck with you, on any level, is to make me feel like I'm kicking a dead horse (a.k.a. repeating myself), or insulting my intelligence.

I'm far from perfect, trust me. I'll be the first to admit that I've done some fucked-up shit in my travels. I've hurt people's feelings, played people, and, at times, been a horrible friend. After extensive examination, I realized I was scared, stupid, and EXTREMELY inconsiderate. Some people may not see it that way, but I consider myself to truly be my own toughest critic. Plus, I think it really takes a lot to own up to your role in how things go, and if you can, and not blame everyone else for why shit doesn't work out, then you are truly being an adult, and exhibiting growth. With that being said, my episodes of bad endings, unnecessary incidents, and all that other shit have lessened big-time. If I meet someone now, and I KNOW I can't do a damn thing for 'em, I'll tell 'em, up front. If we get together, and it doesn't feel right, I'll tell 'em. It won't even be after I sleep with 'em (had to throw that in, because even THAT doesn't motivate me to use my powers for evil anymore). It's better to be 100 than to lie to yourself and another person, who is investing their time and their effort in you. Plus, there's something called KARMA that will come back, and get at you EVERY...SINGLE...TIME.

With that being said, if there's an issue that's being had (in one case, lack of communication), don't roll up on me like nothing has ever happened, especially if I don't know why the hell we stopped talkin' in the first place, EVEN after I asked. I understand doing things on your own time, but when the conversation is initiated from you to me, hello is cool. After that, we need to discuss what's really important. If not, and you dodge it, I'll either (a) STRAIGHT-ignore you, or (b) speak out of cordiality, but nothing more, probably ever. More than likely, I go with Option B.

Okay, enough venting (at least publicly). I pride myself in being optimistic, and always doing my best to exude positivity. With that being said, there will be no more public displays like this...hahahaha. Be easy.