Goodbye

1. a parting; a farewell.

In every encounter you have, two things are certain: there's a beginning, and there's an end. It's as sure as anything in the world. Some endings end peacefully, while others make your blood boil and your toes curl, but the thing is...they end. That's just the way things go, no matter the person or their name...and when it happens, regardless of how parties feel, the only thing you can do is charge it to the game.

But some endings, conclusions...the culmination of events can be tough to digest and hard to accept. You express yourself to levels you didn't know you had, until there's literally nothing left...and when you realize the other party seemingly didn't feel how you did, it's hard to swallow. Yet, when the pure and total truth finally comes out, it makes it easy for your mind to move on, and your heart to follow.

There's never been a time when things have been more clear, when peace-of-mind was so near, shining, with no need to cover your eyes with a hand and peer. Realizing that this is officially over is bittersweet, but it allows this book to have a proper ending; one fitted with the truth and free of a lie. It allows it to be put in a box, and for it to end with one last word...goodbye.

6/9/10 @ 2:30 A.M.
Photo by Clifton Henri

R.F.K. The Conclusion

Life has a way of bringing thoughts to the surface. What was once in your mind becomes all too real. What was once just something you envisioned ended up becoming something you embrace and can feel.

Thing is...what to do? What's done when a vision becomes reality? Do you embrace it, or do you run? Do you treat it like it's toxic, or do you relish it and have some fun? The latter was the choice, and even though it's led to this, a stoppage of sorts, where things were said that weren't necessarily prepared for, it's still something that will be treasured forever and a day, even if those days may end up being no more.

You can know someone so well, but when they occupy a different space in your life, you learn to know them all over again. Despite the fact the foundation is laid, you still have to work, and let 'em know this is for real, and not pretend. When it was just a figment of my imagination, the only parts that surfaced were the good; no thoughts rarely surfaced of anything that could be seen as bad. Never one time do you think that person, or you, can do something that leaves you confused, bewildered, or mad.

After thinking it over, the feelings of anger are gone, and are instead replaced with knowing that all things, good or bad, have a way of coming to an end. But since it's well-known that who this is intended for will see it, despite the conclusion, there'd be zero hesitation to do it all over again.

5/23/10 @ 1:39 A.M.
Photo by Clifton Henri

High in the Sky

You found a way into my thoughts, despite being well above 10,000 feet. It never ceases to amaze how, even from this far a distance, my soul finds yours to meet. However, it isn't a meeting based on mutuality; not something that's agreed upon. It's of a different manner, one that's been avoided for far too long.

We're not meant to be...in any form. Not as friends, lovers, or even, excuse my french, just to fuck. See, it's been avoided for so long, yet it's been over, with no further traces of luck. The signs were all there, and for that, there's no one to blame, but the person who's composing this piece. Charging it to the game is the only direction left to go, even if that's the method that's embraced the least.

Once this plane hits the ground, another journey officially comes to an end, and even though familiar grounds await, establishing contact with you isn't an option, with these words serving as evidence of resisting the urge to do so, ever again.

5/17/10 @ 10:55 PM

Introspection

1. the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes, etc.

As corny as this looks, it came from being in the shower, wiping off the scent of a night's past. It was the mere feel of laying alone, void of another figure, that put everything on blast. Rinse. Wash. Rinse. Dry. It's all so routine...yet something so simple and mundane led to a revelation that previously went unseen.

Things are outta wack.

But how and why is this even taking place? Why are there so many events and things swirling inside that conflict, despite the sole reflection being only your face? Shit, it aint like you look in the mirror, and the physical changes with each glance; it stays exactly the same. Then again, when you have various characters come in and out of your life, it's damn near a miracle that you remember your OWN name...let alone theirs. Perhaps it's time to withdraw some more, and see how things fare. Besides, to ignore or downplay it any longer would only make you worse for wear.

5/3/10 @ 1:55 P.M.
Photo by Clifton Henri

Today

There are plenty of times when I have something to say, but when the pen comes out to hit my journal, I become lost, and have no idea how to find the way.

It's more that these thoughts are a blur, just tryna find a way to come together and form something that can be viewed...but when they come together, it can be just as vivid as seeing a perfect ten in the nude.

It'll come in time, I suppose. It always does, right? Until then, the gloves will remain my locker. Besides, I'm more prone to search and love, instead of get angry and fight.

4/21/10 @ 3:41 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

H.E.A.L.

Honesty...is the key to it all. It makes no sense to ignore the pain that occurs from the fall. Yeah, it hurts, and making it go away is a difficult task. Facing it head-on is even tougher, and makes you think the feeling is always gonna last...but it's gone now, and at least subsided to the point where it won't be coming back.

Eagerness...to make sense of everything that went down. Being unconcerned with how it makes you look, even if it comes off as lookin' like a clown. Others can't handle it when things don't go their way, but you do, which lets you know you're better now than you were in previous days...

Acknowledge...what made you feel like this in the first place. Sure it sucks, but it's even worse if you lie and wonder why you continue to finish last in every race. Some things don't make sense, but you still should acknowledge that they're there...and once you do, and patch your errors up, you'll get to the front, regardless of when or where.

Learn...that it's okay to fall, and normal to bruise. When it comes to people you love, the journey will be anything but a cruise. There are some parts on my body that hurt as well, so I know exactly how you feel. Just now that once you're 100 about it all, it makes it so much easier for 'em to heal.

4/3/10 @ 1:51 P.M.

Falling

When people fall at significantly different speeds, someone usually hits the ground hard. - "Jenkins"

...and just like that, the feeling was replayed.

The sound it made was unexpected, and even if there was a warning, no preparation was sufficient enough to avoid its sure-fire dent. It's worse than knowing you're about to be put out for being deliquent on the last three months rent...but this aint about a coupla bills and some change. The depth of this blow couldn't be detected with the sharpest of shooter's range. And while the other party got a band-aid to cover up the blow, there wasn't enough stitches in the world to stop this blood and its flow...from what happened from the fall. It's exactly why there's a reluctance to try, even when knowing the opposite of this results in the greatest thrill. It's just that after that last fall, it seems wise to retreat to the sidelines, and chill.

3/22/10 @ 12:29 A.M.