To My Future: Epilogue of an Open Book

Note: You can only be so open, so vulnerable, before people begin to take it as weakness. Even though I know it aint in the case of me, this is a good point for me to reign it in...at least, in a public setting :-)

To My Future,
Hello there. I used to believe you only existed in my dreams, but reality really is this good, or so it seems. I've seen you around the way, and finally worked up the nerve to make a formal introduction, but with a lil twist, and as intimate as possible, minus any possible hint of seduction. Glad you gave me a second...

Am I worthy??? Of course, and that's with no trace of uncertainty. See, I already know what the past has to offer, and that...I'll respectfully decline. It wasn't totally filled with dark days, but I know with you, there'll be plenty of days of shine. And even when there isn't, and the conditions and times change, I'll be ready to adjust. And if you tell me to believe in you, I'll eagerly give you my never-ending trust.

What about the present??? Well, shit...oops. Excuse my french; didn't mean to be so crude, but hell, just look. This IS my present, right now, totally bare, and completely nude. The present's cool, but it aint you, that's for sure. It has its moments, but you...yours seem beyond beautiful, so genuine, and pure...

See, there are traces of both around, but that aint enough. When you get here for good, we'll ride it out together, regardless of how hard it gets, and the number of times it seems impossibly tough. You'll be worth it, worth every bit, every piece, and all those days, and sleepless nights will have finally paid off. When you come, I'll be prepared, and everything I have in stock, inventory, and on reserve...can finally be shared.

Until then, I'll continue to wait...even if it takes forever.

Sincerely,
Me.

12/17/07 @ 12:20 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

The Stupid Things: Open Book Part Three

It's easy for people to reflect on when times are good; times when positive vibes rule above all. But there have been plenty of instances that were beyond stupid, incidents that made you wanna get off your feet, and crawl...and hide ya head in shame, and after that feeling, realizing I never again wanna be the instigator in this particular type of game...

"Shit, why even bother? She aint givin' up the pussy anyway." Even now, I still can't believe that came outta my mouth. It was just one of many instances that showed that that aint close to what being a real man is all about. It's not about how you look in front of your boy that makes you a man; it's treating everyone with respect, treating them like royalty, the way you know you can. The first step to recovery is admitting your mistake, and vowing to never do it again, and stay 100% real, while never doing anything that comes off as fake.

Or another time when I kicked you out my house...but I didn't even have a ride, so I walked, instead of gettin' in the car. Something like that makes ya think I must have camped out at Happy Hour, FOR REAL, and sipped every single drank they had in their bar. Pride'll do it every time, if you let it. Now that was just plain stupid, but something I can laugh about today, but it wasn't cool how I lashed out at you, because you never deserve that type of treatment, regardless of how things are goin' on any particular day.

Just two episodes of many, and there will be more to come. That's a fact of life, that'll always be. The key now is to make strides to eliminate the stupid things, so good ones will be the only things you'll ever see.

12/2/07 @ 1:04 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Song in Progress: Open Book Part Two

I'm searching for peace, in a valley full of chaos; looking for serenity, amongst this place full of endless noise, discomfort, and inconsistent strife. You'd think these would be the thoughts of someone who's losing their mind, but I tend to think they're simply the ones of someone who's just tryna make the most of their life.

See, the need for serenity comes from self-inflicting noise; it comes from no longer wanting to be cool with the way things used to be. Things have slowly, but surely, started to change, and the changes, I can most definitely see. But there's still a LONG WAY to go, before this song will ever be complete...

I've started to think...our days are a rough draft...almost..like practice. Lord willing, we're able to wake up tomorrow, and pick up where we left off, and do better than we previously had done. Patch up the errors, and go back at it, until those mistakes become slim-to-none.

So right now, these days of mine are like my own lil rough drafts; the plan is there, the tools are available for re-vision, and the excitement to finish this song is the type that's never been experienced before. The journey gettin' there will be even better; then the chaos, endless noise, discomfort, and strife...will be no more.

11/28/07 @ 12:27 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Open Book

My life is an open book for all who are willing to read. Some elements are familiar; just like your stories, filled with characters, and plenty of memorable scenes.

But there are some parts that aren't as attractive, and just aren't as nice. The times when I didn't know where I was headed, times when it seemed like there would never be an end to those long, excruciating nights. Episodes that played like re-runs, with no hope of a new season in sight. Someone would come in for the occasional cameo, then would be gone, just like on any regular show. So, it was back to square one, frustrated with another one ending the same, and realizing that I'm the common element in these endings, and it was really just my foolish ways that needed to "exit stage left," and go.

But all isn't entirely bad. There have been plenty of good things; plenty of fun times. Plenty of days where all flows together beautifully, and everything seems to fit together, and rhyme...and be in tune, more than enough days with sunshine, and just as many nights with nothing in the sky but a full moon. My favorite stories from people leave me plenty to think over; it isn't just thrown on the surface for me to see. If a mind is open and fertile enough to accept mine, they won't even have to ask if it's them that I'm talkin' about, because it probably will be.

And there are still questions that need to be answered, and for that, I'll dig endlessly, and get to the root of it, and since this is my most effective form of therapy, I'm eager to do so, even if I'm only finding solace bit, by every little bit...

11/24/07 @ 1:18 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Renovation

1. Overhaul.

2. Make something like new again.

3. Refresh somebody or something.

Some things gotta change, while others need a lil' fine tuning. It's impossible for everything to remain the same, especially, with the way the world's going. Finally realized it's time to make some changes, and even if it aint on the surface just yet, the differences are already showing.

It's kinda like when you construct a masterpiece out of items that seem to be taken for granted. When they're all used together, something extraordinary can emerge. If they're picked and used with care, there's no reason to resort to cheap shit, or use unnecessary capital to splurge. See, this project is similar to what we all see, every single day. Like the stadium currently in process, or when a coupla roads need fixin'; the things you need to do it are right there in front of you, so no need for too much searching, because you already know what you're missin'.

Just like any project that seems like it may take forever, this may just seem like a bundle of mess; may not seem like much just yet. But give it some time, and you'll be blown away for sure, and on MY LIFE, I'll most definitely make the bet...

10/14/07 @ 12:35 P.M.

Narcotic

A time like this is a reminder of why I stay away from you intentionally...because, regardless of my demeanor, it's more apparent than ever just how much you truly mean to me. It's a love-hate type of thing; love having you in my sights, but hate some of the effects. It solidifies the fact that I have to add your name to a VERY SHORT list of regrets...

You're like that song on a CD that I can put in, press repeat, and let play all the way through. It takes me back to our first ever meeting, and from there, how it manifested, and grew...to something bigger than I ever imagined.

Not tryna feel this vulnerable any longer, so it may be best to go on, and fade to black. We'll say our respective greetings, then keep it moving, and resist the constant urge to wanna go back. I already experienced this with you once before, and I don't know if I have enough left to battle, and conquer another fight, but something has to give, or this will once again be the beginning of a series of sleepless nights..all because of the effects of you.

10/4/07 @ 2:48 A.M.

Photo by Thomas Hopson

The Awakening

Pondering these thoughts while sittin' at this desk. Exhausted as hell, yet, unable to rest. It could easily have been your teammate, or your closest friend. We're led to believe there's change, but this nightmare still has yet to end.

It's not about what we're doin' wrong. It's finally about what we're doin' right. Not how "The Dream" is dead, but how others have stepped to the plate, doin' their part to uphold the light.

It's ironic how some dismiss this as no big deal; simply conditioned to accept this form of treatment. It could just as well be your cousin, or your bigger brother. Then imagine being the one having to pick up the phone, and call this child's mother...and tell her she lost a son. But not to the streets; that's too predictable. But to a system much more malicious, and has him layin' dead at someone's cold and unforgiving feet.

If it affects one, then it affects all of us. And if it aint true, then try tellin' that to the folks who came from all over, and got on the bus...to take a stand, and make our points perfectly clear. It's what the opposition aint tryna see; all of us on one accord, and believe it or not, that's their BIGGEST FEAR.




9/20/07 @ 10:21 P.M.

Simplistic Beauty

Joy doesn't come from the obvious anymore; it comes from the little things. It aint gettin' the seven digits that make up her number anymore, excluding her area code. It's the smiles on both of our faces when one of us initially says hi, and the other eagerly says...hello.

Never been the one to keep up with the joneses; not the type that fits a certain brand, or a particular mold. It's why I'll go without shaving for weeks, the reason I love songs with no beat; it's why I'm filled with joy at the sight of this treat, and why I don't mind lookin' both ways before crossin' the street...

Girls in the videos don't do shit for me. Neither do the model types. Too pre-packaged, too manufactured, yet fail to live up to all the hype. Besides, it's havin' the juice to the baddest one on the scene one day, then strippin' down to no make-up, sweats, sneakers, and a tee, with ya hair lookin' ANY-WHICH-A-WAY....and still bein' fly as hell. It's the way your presence screams for attention, but you never have to open your mouth, and yell. It's why I'll continue to read your story, your words, and be receptive to anything you wanna share with me, because right now, there's no other place I'd rather be...

It's all because you the vision you bring; it's all because of your simplistic beauty.

9/12/07 @ 2:04 A.M.

Life's Puzzle

With any puzzle, there's an assortment of pieces. Some are pretty obvious, while others need to be sorted through, and can take a while. But once you've put 'em all together, you can finally breathe easier, spread your lips...and smile.

That's pretty much what life is; a big-ass puzzle we're tryna put together, and make sure it all fits. All the pieces have to go together perfectly, from the biggest ones, to the most overlooked bits. My missing pieces aren't people; got plenty of those. It's an event, something I can't quite put my finger on, so I'm payin' even closer attention, and hope I catch it before it passes by...and is totally gone.

With each passing day, hour, and minute, it seems like another piece emerges; something happens to bring this thing closer to it's finish. What may have seemed trivial before gets undivided attention now, and it's significance, I surely will not diminish.

Piecing our own puzzles together is a challenge that we all should take on, but don't; probably because we're afraid to lose, but Imma keep at it, and in the end, I'll be at peace, and will finally be able to set my life's controls on cruise...

9/2/07 @ 3:10 P.M.

Endless Strings

They’re the kinds of songs people listen to all day and night. The tunes are sweet, and never-ending. It’s something genuine and envied on by others who wish to duplicate it, but they’re fighting a battle that they’ll end up never winning.

There’s a reason why we play our guitar with endless strings; we can play a number of melodies, to which other people can listen to and sing. We can turn on our tunes outside, and watch birds take flight, and glide through the air, coolly flapping their wings. We’re the perfect collaboration, with people lining up by the dozens, just to hear our next duet, and type of music we’re gonna bring…

We play our tunes during cloudless times, and rainy sights; we let ‘em run their course during scorching days, and freezing nights. Our quality stays top-notch and is always second-to-none. Folks can try and replicate our hits, but will always fall short, regardless of how much studio time is bought, because we’re never under pressure to produce; we make our music out of pure joy and fun.

Give us any instrument, and the results will stay the same. Shit, you can make the choice for us; you can pick the product, the brand, and the name. Our music, the music we make, isn’t for sale, regardless of the amount of money you can bring. This music can only be performed by us, the tunes we compose, by playin' our endless strings…

8/27/07 @ 1:06 P.M.

Photo by Thomas Hopson

Patience

1. calm endurance of hardship.
2. tolerant perserverance of forbearance.
3. the capacity of calm, self-possessed waiting.

Presently, I am who I am, but not who I’ll always be; without patience, my chances are slim of becoming the complete image I’m constantly striving to be…

They say patience is a virtue; a trait you should acquire and take pride in. It’s one not easily attained, and is often taken for granted, from the beginning to the end. I’ve never understood why someone doesn’t have a lot of it, especially, when you see the good it brings. When you see the results from it, and when you hear the types of songs it sings; when you see the smiles it puts on people’s faces, and the sounds of it when it rings, and when you finally get what you’ve been seeking, all because you put it to use, and saw the effects it brings.

There’s something calm, cool, and collected about it, as if all this is stuff it’s already seen; I guess that’s why you can’t go wrong with it, because it’ll always keep your best intentions first, and never treat you cruel or mean. Now, more than ever before, patience is one of my virtues, a trait I’ll keep close, and practice on a daily basis, because as long as I have it, I’ll always have a chance, regardless of the circumstances, or any type of obstacles I’m facing.

Presently, I am who I am, but not who I’ll always be; but only through patience, will I have the chance of becoming the complete image I’m constantly striving to be…

8/20/07 @ 1:06 A.M.

Photo by Thomas Hopson

Stranded

At times, I feel stranded; even to the point of feelin' abandoned. It's like I'm a shell of myself, like I can see my figure, touch it, but can't do anything to help...

There are those times when a room can be filled with people, doin' a variety of things. It ranges from people laughin' recklessly, or sittin' quietly, while the band plays a tune, with one of 'em smoothly caressing their strings. All the while, I'm in there with 'em, in solitude and alone, but not entirely in peace; just lost in my own thoughts, and doin' my best not to cause any type of unnecessary scenes...

At times, I feel stranded; damn near to the point of feelin' totally abandoned, but not the type that you may see in the streets. Shit, you'd never be able to tell, because even while I may feel like this, I'll smile and speak at ya easily, without even missing a beat.

It's possible to feel alone, despite being in the midst of a crowd, and you may feel like seeking some help, but don't wanna come off as needy or too loud. Don't get to worrying too much, it's simply a reflection of how I get from time-to-time; a glimpse into my soul; a small journey in my tortured mind...

8/3/07 @ 9:56 P.M.

Photo by Thomas Hopson

Lately

Lately, I've...

realized the difference between a friend and just someone you know. It's difficult to know that union is no more, instead of watching it continue to grow. With just a lil more work, it probably could have been restored and saved; kinda like a road that was once littered with holes, but now it's totally smooth and paved. Too bad we didn't try harder, and for that, I'll take a majority of the blame. You already know who you are, so there's no need to mention your name. Just know, there are those days, when you remain in my thoughts...

Lately, I've...
seen people come and go, for a variety of reasons. Maybe it was a bad period, just wasn't their favorite time of the season. Here today, gone tomorrow; sometimes, it feels good, while others, it leaves you with sorrow. It's good, because they're moving on to a better situation, one where they feel they can continue to shine. Bad, because there's that gut feeling that something just aint right, regardless of how many times they said "don't even trip; I'm doin' just fine."

I like to think everyone has a method to their madness, a formula to why we do what we do. In the end, it may be for the best, and in their heart, they're simply staying true. Either way, it's all a part of life, something we all, by now, should know. But it still hurts sometimes...when good people decide it's about that time to go.

7/31/07 @ 5:42 P.M.

I think we all have our different sides that makes us who we are, an alter-ego, of sorts. Hell, TI's even made it marketable to express it, with his latest album (TI VS TIP). It doesn't necessarily make us crazy or throwed off; if anything, it makes us more sane, and exposes our vulnerability (which is NOT synonymous with weakness). With that said, on my mind right now is relationships between men and women. In the words of the great philosopher, Brooks Hatlen (the old, White prisoner in the Shawshank Redemption), "the world went off, and got itself in a big damn hurry." I'm sayin' that, because it seems like people think jumpin' into a relationship cures all ills, and if not everything, damn near all of 'em.

Personally, I've been in one exclusive relationship my entire life (2003). I've never really been the type of dude to think a relationship solves everything, between a man and a woman. I see people hop in and out of relationships all the damn time, and when I see that, it's aggravating, and even worse, I end up feelin' sorry for that person, because they really have the concept twisted up.

I think everyone should experience heart-break one good time, so they know true love does exist, and that love is indeed real. All the intangibles, the stuff that aint in the "how-to" books, can only be gained through experience, and even...through pain. It shouldn't scar them for life, but it should be used as a learning tool. For the ones who have found their true love the first time around, and are with them right now, and have never been hurt by that person, more power to you, and I PRAY that you never have your heart broken, because I honestly don't think you'll be able to recover from it, not at my age. After I got mine broke, I was so scared to give my all to anyone else that I just hurt people, thinking I was protecting my feelings. In retrospect, it was foolish, but it's all apart of my growth and maturity. I was 20 years old, a scared lil boy at the time, so just imagine the episodes since then. If I was to experience my first heartbreak NOW, at 24, aint no tellin' how I'd be able to recover, so I'm glad it happened early.

There's a side of me that truly believes in love, true love, authentic love, and that it does exist between two people, and I know it'll happen for me one day, when it's time. That side is the one you'll probably be exposed to the most in this blog. Then, there's the other side that laughs at people who THINK they're in love, but they're really just enamored by the IDEA of love, and not that person, which will eventually lead to a road going downhill.

To sum this all up, love is REAL. I believe it does exist between two people, so you'll never hear me curse love to hell, bash it to the point of no return, and all that other madness. When it's genuine, it's the greatest feeling in the world. With that said, don't be in such a damn rush to get it; when it comes, it'll be well worth the wait.

ATOK: Part Two

You're beautiful beyond words, and if I was your lead composer, I'd come up with the perfect verse...to the song of your life. Since you're the opening act, it's only appropriate that you're the one who keeps 'em coming back. Besides, people don't come to see the undercard, only the headliner. Standing room only; no more seats, but I've never been more eager to stand all night long, so we could finally meet.


I remember sayin' I wanted to, needed to, yearned to, gotta go...for a variety of reasons. It didn't matter how long it took, the time of the year, or regardless of the seasons. Just that I had to go one day, so I could experience you first-hand, and feel your sunshine, or protect you from the rain. Or to become intoxicated by you beyond belief, but have you as my cure too, because, like the top-of-the-line medicine, you bring me maximum relief.


I could go on all day, trust, so I'll leave you with this: too far to feel your rain, so I'll settle for your mist; can't have your touch at the moment, so I'll settle for a blown kiss; it aint Christmas yet, but you're still at the top of my list; you're a shining star, and upon it, I'll continue to wish; and as for the other countries, there's no need to update my passport. They may as well not exist...

6/18/07 @ 12: 28 A.M.

Being In Love

How do you know when you're in love? Whether it's buried deep where it's hard to see, or if it's right in front of you, like a child tuggin' at your knee.
It's been thrown in an ocean, but always finds a way to float on back to the surface. It's your favorite verse in an all-time classic, the one you listen to repeatedly. It's the feeling you get through your body everytime you're witnessed to their visual imagery. It's why you can't sleep at night, it's the bulb inside of your bedside light; the medicine to cure your ills, with a prescription that's too strong for any type of pills.
Being in love can make the strongest person weak, or make the weakest person strong. It's 100% authentic, so the emotions you feel from them can never go wrong. Just follow your heart, and let fate take care of the rest, and realize that this journey you're on, regardless of the outcome, is only for the best.
3/13/07 @ 4:26 A.M.

Damaged Beyond Repair

It's not a coincidence. It aint one of those "how did this happen to me?" times. It's fairly obvious, and all you gotta do is just read between the lines.
Last exclusive relationship was almost four years ago. Since then, there haven't been too many tears, but in the place of 'em, have been the opposite number of fears; I was one of those folks who had "that icebox where my shit used to be," but I let it defrost long ago, so my future now with another is more visible and seems within my reach...
For a while, I played if off as if I didn't care, would date a few, then return back to my comfortable lair. Feelings would get hurt, and we'd always wonder why it just wasn't fair, but maybe things will be different this time, and we can get in the car, and ride with no worries..and go anywhere. I just hope and pray that I'm not damaged beyond repair.
2/13/07 @ 3:33 A.M.