D.A.M.N.

Disappointment...in knowing there's only so much that can be done from far away. The desire to help is evident, but it's best that noone tries to butt in. All that can be done is to hope things will get well in a hurry, so we can be in each other's presence again.

Audacity...must be flowing through my body by even thinking of anything else, besides your well-being. Then again, it's that smile of yours on your face that I've gotten so used to seeing. If it's unfair to have these thoughts swirling in my head, I apologize in advance. I just wish this didn't rule my thoughts, and I could break out of this continuous trance.

Memories...have been made in such a short period of time. It wasn't expected upon the first encounter; we were simply supposed to hang. Shit, you would think it was something unreal, judging by the giddy reactions everytime my phone rang. The same thing that makes one excited could end up being their kryponite. It's certainly mine, just from the fact it's gettin' rougher and rougher to have a peaceful night.

Negativity...will leave as soon as it came, as strange as it sounds. It won't last forever; it'll only be for a few rounds. As for the present, there's still plenty more to do, but it simply aint the same, 'cause it's being done without you.

Damn...this feeling sucks.

12/31/08 @ 11:45 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Struggle for Words: Part Four

Three weeks. Three! You would think by now that a mind would be completely and totally free...to find the words to string together, and construct 'em into some kind of prose and verse; to make a point so clear without having the slightest desire to punctuate it with a curse; realizing there's no dollar amount that can be placed to describe your worth. Yet, as this is written, it's the most challenging, thought-provoking activity I've ever engaged in since birth.

For the past 21 days, a mass amount of searching has been done. Discussions have been had, books ran through, and opinions galore. Even when it may seem like plenty, the desire to keep looking for words takes over even more. There's got...to be...a way for all of this to be done, and done totally right. At this rate, it's safe to say there's a long way to go, and it'll inevitably lead to restless days and sleepless nights...

but so what? Who cares? The urgency to tell a story outweighs it all, and your impact deserves to be shared. Sure, it can be looked at as being selfish, or outright greed. If that's the case, call me guilty for taking the task of performing a seemingly impossible deed.

12/23/08 @ 8:54 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Struggle for Words: Part Three

14 days...

...since then, there have been plenty of opportunities to count the ways...in which your being could properly be conveyed. 336 hours have come and gone, and my psyche has yet to be swayed. My mind and thoughts remain transfixed on you.

Two long weeks...

...and the presence of you constantly leaks. In the same amount of time, I've tried to keep my cool, even at the risk of lookin' like an absolute fool. From my mouth to the air, or from paper and pen. Regardless of what's going on, you find a way to take center-stage over and over again.

It's getting easier to cope with the past 14 days, the previous 336 hours, or the last two weeks. Hell, it's simply three different ways of describing the same amount of time. It doesn't make a difference to me, so I'll be more than happy to do it, even if it's solely on my dime. At this point, there's still much work to be done, as much as never before, yet the desire to somehow put this all together...outweighs everything else so much more.

12/16/08 @ 11:18 A.M.

Struggle for Words: Part Two

It's been a whole week; seven entire days; 168 long hours...and the feeling still remains. The thoughts remain at the front of my mind, and still remain unchanged. By now, you would think something, ANYTHING, could be constructed to describe just how fly you are, and how much swagger you possess; the way the mood changes when you arrive, and your mere being leaving countless others obsessed. It's a damn shame that words yet to be put together, but the determination to do so is very much there, even if it takes forever...

...and since forever has no limits, there won't be any when it comes to telling the world about you. Others have said similar things, so it's not as if you're too good to be true. More like...you fly under-the-radar, but you're certainly noticed and seen. Best believe when people get a glimpse of you, they'll forever be addicted just like a fiend...always feeling the need for more.

So if it takes an eternity, so be it. All doors will be knocked upon, and phone numbers will be dialed, and even when it gets tiresome, the look on my face will remain fixed with a smile. There's no other choice; struggling for words is hard, but the desire burns to find the right ones, with no need to look cool or be clever. There's no way I'll stop tryin' to do so...even if it takes forever.

12/09/08 @ 10:09 A.M.

Struggle For Words

Struggling to find words to put together. It's been weeks now since we last crossed paths, and honestly, I can feel the loss, loud and clear. The times we're together are always memorable, so it's best to keep you close and near. When we're together, nothing else matters; all other things are second place. It isn't meant to be understood by all; our bond and our unique, one-of-a-kind embrace.

Struggling to piece the words together...to describe your impact at this moment in time. Times like this are when The Law should come in, and charge you with any and every type of crime. Aggravated robbery for taking my thoughts, attempted kidnapping for tryna capture my soul, reckless endangerment for my mind; hell, charge you with EVERYTHING, because you're a rebel outta control. Even with that, if the law was to come, the recommendation would be to drop all charges, and let you walk out the door. Now THAT's JUICE...knowing your influence is so real, it knocks everyone down to the floor.

It's been a struggle to put the words together to describe your impact, your effect, your existence. It's not like one's tryna ignore you, or even put up a barrier to offer any type of resistance. It's useless, so there's no point in doing so, because your effects are too good to be true...and once the words can be put together to show what you've done, it's exactly what I'll do..

12/2/08 @ 11:25 A.M.

A Lil' Something Different

Same 'Ol

...no runnin' game, or any of that. Plus, it takes too much work. Start off runnin' game, and you gotta keep on runnin' game...and I don't have my runnin' shoes on.
-Me

Everything's cool over here; I'm just not motivated to write anything right now. I'll be checkin' on the blogroll, and keepin' up with everyone like that. Y'all have no idea how much of a good thing it is to have something to take my mind away from what goes on around here, 24/7. It's much appreciated.

Be easy.

Nerd....but a Fly Nerd.

...so what turned you on to Douglass???
I need it for a class I'm in.
So that's the only reason you're reading it, is for a class???
Yeah...why else???
To FEED YOUR BRAIN, fool.
-conversation between Ice Cube and Omar Epps, in Higher Learning.

The title of this post was taken from a friend of mine, who describes herself (well, one way she does) as a nerd, but a "fly nerd." Ever since I was able, I LOVE to read. It provides a much-needed balance to the part of me that's the typical caveman: basketball, football, women, kickin it with my boys...you know, that type of shit. The reading part just brings another dimension that's priceless, in my opinion. To this day, I've NEVER, NEVER, EVER understood why people don't read, don't like to read, think it's a waste of time to read, etc. I'll never get it, EVER. *woosah...WOOOOSAHHHH*

I've always been more into autobiographies, books with historical significance, and ones whose primary focus is internal growth. Rarely do I read fiction, unless there's a loyalty to the author (Solomon Jones, Cheryl Robinson, Donald Goines, Eric Jerome Dickey), or if I'm looking to watch a movie adaptation (which is why I've been reading Grisham lately). I get damn near as much joy from reading a good book as I do from any football game, basketball game, sex, movie, working out, conversation...you name it.

Anyway, here's a list of some of the most memorable books I've had the pleasure of coming across. Why I'm doing this now, I have no clue. Maybe it's because it's after 2 AM, and I can't take my ass back to sleep. Just feels like the right thing to do. Be easy.

Yessir.

November 4, 2008 was the happiest night of my life. That's all I gotta say for now.

Compilation of Thoughts

Some people are truly only around for a season. No need in tryin' to make 'em stay around longer.

There's a lesson learned in every interaction, big or small.

At 26 years old, I have officially retired from the art of trying to figure women out. It's like kicking a dead horse, especially if we can't do shit for each other.

There are too many good ones around to give time for others who don't want it or don't deserve it.

I'm busy/was busy/been busy (or other variations involving the B-word) is the most tired excuse I've ever heard. I have a lot on my plate too, so the busy stuff is for the birds. Folks make time if it's worth it.

I wish some would just come out and say what they want or don't want. I'll tell you if I aint talking about nothin'. At this point, it'll come early enough before any of our time is wasted.

Women ARE NOT built to be players. AT ALL. Dudes really aint either, because we easily find ways to fuck it up. Best policy is to just be as honest as possible. Lonely, say it. Horny, say it. Just want some company, say it. The worst that can happen is you get an answer you may not want, but it's better than playin' yourself.

My mindset right now pretty much is....charge it to the game.

Just the random thoughts going through my head at the moment. Be easy.

Nada Mucho

I'm far from the biggest fan of fiction literature, but I can give credit where it's due. John Grisham's off-the-chain. I'm on book two right now, and while I only plan on reading his titles that became movies, that could change if I enjoy them enough. If so, I just may end up reading ALL his books, and I've only done that with one other author, The Great Donald Goines. Beside that, all is well; just another weekend of reading and football. Oh yeah, here's a picture from last night. One of my chapter brothers, Matt Lloyd, and I dressed up as Eazy and Cube, circa the N.W.A. days. Be easy.

Moving On: The Finale of the Story of a Recovering Addict

Note: This was totally unplanned (the sequence of these poems). I don't know what the hell got me to writing about recovering from love in the first place. Kinda glad I did, though. Even with that, I don't wanna write about it anymore :). At least, not at the moment. I'm gonna stop the madness with this poem, and move forward.

It's finally come to this; must admit, I never thought it would end this way. In the movies, there's usually a happy ending, but this is a completely different script, and an entirely different day.

Went from amazing highs to lonely nights, unimaginable joys to unbearable sights; went from smiles to frowns, from smirks to scowls, from laughing to sighing, and from recovering to relapsing...

Went from excessive withdrawals to having it right in front of me on a plate; just to have it yanked away, and returned to my original fate...

There's no storybook ending when it comes to love; no medications to treat its symptoms and the possibility of it spreading and taking effect in your life; only the hope of another day to get yourself through. In the meantime, I'll continue to do that: just live, and be reminded of the feelings I get from simply being in the presence...of you.

1/14/07 @ 8:05 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Relapse: The Story of a Recovering Addict Part Four

1. act of returning to previous condition; return to former mood, state, or way of life.

Note: In theory, full recovery from addiction is a good thing. Hell, it's a GREAT thing. But, there's always that possibility of a relapse. When that happens, it makes you question why you're tryna "kick" in the first place. Is that a good or bad thing? You don't have to answer; it's a rhetorical question :)

Damn, all of this was going according to plan. But all of a sudden, you re-surfaced, and you took ahold of me like only you can...

You grabbed me, squeezed me, and wrapped me tight; moved effortlessly through me, but I still felt all your might. It's like I only got a glimpse of you briefly, yet...I can't get you outta my sight. And you didn't even need 24 hours; you made your presence felt in only a fraction of a night.

I'm supposed to be moving forward, not taking steps back. Then again, after feelin' like this, I may not wanna get back on track. So for now, I'll just lay back, and take it all in stride, and hope this relapse...doesn't slowly kill me inside.

1/11/07 @ 3:06 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Detox: The Story of a Recovering Addict Part Three

1. withdrawal of a toxic or an addictive substance.

Note: There should a rehab center, or a clinic somewhere, for people who are tryna recover from love, or shit that even remotely resembles love. I'd be there every week, sittin' in that circle of chairs, with a whole bunch of damn strangers who are tryna recover from it, too. Hell, they have it for all the other addictions: drugs, drank, even sex, but not love. Wassup with that???

It grabbed me outta nowhere, penetrated my veins, cruised through my soul, and exited freely, but not without a trace. On the surface, things may have appeared to be the same, but look closer, and it's marks are written all over my face.

That smile I used to carry is now replaced by a scowl; if someone tries to reinforce that they're sincere, it'll give me even more reason to believe they're being foul. They attempt to speak to me, with no hints, of tryna run game. Yet, due to my own hurt and self-pity, I'll brush 'em off, and tell 'em "you can't fool me. All of you are exactly the same."

But thinking like this only leads to more pain, more anguish, and more grief. It's time to rid myself of this feeling, and get some much-needed relief. Gotta check in, lay in that bed, strap up, and rid myself of this poison the best way I can, and come out refreshed and re-juvenated...and feelin' like a brand-new man.

1/8/07 @ 1:41 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Lonely Nights: The Story of a Recovering Addict Part Two

Note: One of the toughest parts during recovery are those lonely nights (trust, it's 4:04 in the damn morning right now). At one time, you had someone special with you, so you never felt alone. No matter what, you could always count on them to be there...

Where your head used to be, now a cold pillow lies. The sounds our two breaths would make, are now replaced by my unemotional sighs. And don't let this go unsaid...I'd rather lay alone on the couch, than without you next to me in my bed.

Think back to happier times. The laughter, the wrestling, you know, the things people tend to take for granted. It must have been, because it took this flame having to be extinguished from my life to gain a total appreciation and understandin'...of what we had.

So for tonight, this ink is you, and this paper is me...and we're one. Different, yes, but nontheless, we're one. When I have another night like this, I'll just open my book, come to this page, and smile, maybe even laugh, and remember what we once had...and instead of feelin' sad, I'll replace it with bein' glad, and realize that not all lonely nights...have to end so bad.

Good night.

1/5/07 @ 4:09 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

The Story of a Recovering Addict

Disclaimer: The next series of posts are poems I wrote a long time ago (hence the dates and times). They were posted on my xanga site when they were initially written. I don't know why the hell I've decided to bring them here, other than I wanted to. With that said, be easy...

For days, weeks, months, and even years...you were the rush in my veins that put to rest all of my fears. I could pick you from a crowd a mile away, and when someone else would come with another offer, I'd tell 'em, "nah that's alright; not even on my WORST day."

Because you were one-of-a-kind. The effect you've had on others had no comparison on what you did to me. When you came through, I'd beg for you to stay, and when you were gone, I'd sit alone at night wishing you never went away.

I stood out in the cold with no coat for you, waited patienty in the rain with no hood for you, and got into it with others in my life...from the effects of you.

I would get sick if I didn't have my fix, draw up blood if I aimed for it and missed, curse myself relentlessly for having made you frown, and cry myself a million tears, and wouldn't attempt to make 'em stop...I'd simply drown...drown and hope to never come up, wish to simply stay there, wish...to be gone.

So why wish for something like this? Why wait and crave for something if gives me this feeling? After all this time, I've conquered the toughest drug to recover from...I recovered from being in love. Yet with all that...

why am I eager to experience all of this...again?

12/12/06 @ 12:22 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Lonely

1. solitary; companionless; isolated.

There are times when you may truly ask yourself...what can be worse??

To be alone, in a sense where noone is around and feels you, or to be in the company of others, but knowing that the actions and words coming from you just aint true. Your compliment is either too far away, or you just may not be on the same page; it could be that you keep the same company, but it still feels like they're outta your range. That person can be the battery to the clock that helps you tick, and without it, it simply doesn't work the same. So you go elsewhere to find a replacement, but you soon realize you're playin' yourself, even if it looks similar or shares the same name...

so you wait.

And as time passes, things don't get better; they just kinda...go along. And it starts to remind you of what that cat was talkin' about in one of those old love songs. Maybe it's gonna be forever, or simply for a minute; it might start back up so strong that we know what we have will never diminish...

...but what if it doesn't start back up? What if more days and nights pass, and these thoughts never go away? Parts of you are sayin, "be patient; be cool," while others are practically beggin' you to stray. Clarity has to come, so the questions in your mind and soul will disapeer, or the loneliness could get even worse, and that just may be the biggest thing to fear.

10/07/08 @ 12:04 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Jaded

1. Tired, bored, lacking enthusiasm after having too much of something.

There comes a time in everyone's life when you gotta know when to say when; a time when you realize your approach doesn't work, regardless of the many times its been altered and changed. You can put it back together, and present it over and over again, yet the recipient continues to be totally unfazed.

It's almost like a revelation, an awakening...to realize that it just...doesn't...matter, regardless of what you try to do. In the end, folks are gonna do what they do, even at the risk of alienating and frustrating you.

This isn't really due to a single person, but more of a combination of people, things, and events. More than anything, it can leave a person becoming more cynical than ever, even with the sight that something as beautiful as you presents. The thought of knowing someone who can be so happy, yet just as frustrated...can hurt, and you wish you could see their frustration end. The only hope is they recover from it, so they can filled with joy once again...

10/02/08 @ 10:41 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Miracle At St. Anna

I just finished reading Miracle At St. Anna, which was written by The Outstanding James McBride (same brother who wrote The Color of Water). I will go on record and say this is one of the most beautifully-written books I've ever read in my life, and I like to think I've read quite a few. It goes at a pace that is necessary, so you can really soak in the story. My plan was to finish the book, before the movie came out (which is today), so that part of my mission has been accomplished. I'm a HUGE FAN of Spike Lee, and am very excited to see his interpretation of the book, onto the big screen.

However, if it falls short of the book's brilliance, I'll be ready, shouting obscenities at the screen, and if other movie-goers get angry with me, I'll...kindly recommend they read the book, so they will understand my frustration. However, I think Spike will do a good job. We'll see this weekend.

Be easy.

What's Good Anymore???

Well, I'm currently at the plantation right now, hoping I can write this, and make some sense from a conversation I had with a buddy of mine recently. Basically put, what's a good woman or a good man? Honestly, I've seen so many definitions of them, and so many interpretations of what society says is a good man that I don't know what it is anymore. I wrote about this a couple of years ago, and, along with seeing a post from Don recently, it came back to the surface. The women I look at as the epitome of good women are looked down upon by some people who travel in my circles, so it just adds to the confusion. Besides, it's too easy to dismiss people as haters; I'd rather try and get insight instead. Til then, back to trimming hedges, and picking the cotton I go.

Be easy.

Still Not Much To Say

Well, I'm currently at work, bored as hell. I'm halfway working/halfway looking at other blogs, and, as the title suggests, I still don't have much to say. Maybe because it's football season, and I'm so consumed by that right now, that nothing else is too much on my mind, in the form of creativity. The months of August to February are truly paradise for me. That, along with season three of The Wire, is doing it for me. I did take the time to check out A Family That Preys last night, and seeing my lady (Sanaa) like that, just so evil, was frightening.

Thank you to Krisaela, Don, Muze, and others for blogging relentlessly during my time of...creative despair, aka laziness, aka my creative stupor. You have done your service by keeping me entertained, giving me food for thought, and just being there, so thanks. I'll get back at it soon enough. Be easy.

Nothing New

I don't have anything new to say at the moment.

Krisaela (yes, I'm calling you by the name your mama gave you), Don, Muze, and everyone else...PLEASE keep blogging, so I can stay entertained while I'm at the plantation. Maybe I'll get some inspiration from what y'all got to say. Til then, Imma finish The Color of Water, and get started on Miracle at St. Anna (by the same author, The Great James McBride). The movie's coming out next week (a Spike Lee joint), and I wanna have it read, before I walk in the theater...for once.

Be easy.

Thirsty

I need a drink of water...

but not just any kind. Any 'ol beverage won't do; it may look clear, but I want some that's so real, it'll leave a brotha thinkin' its WAY too-good-to-be-true. Not the type outta the fountain, either. Hell nah...I need that purified H2O, some FIJI-type ish. The kind that, even lined up with the others, is IMPOSSIBLE to miss.

Maybe it has to do with the time; ya know, it is the middle of the night. Damn near everything is off, even the bulb from my bedside light. It's dark as can be, but the feeling is still there, and even though there's some water in the fridge, for that type, I have no care. That aint gonna quench this thirst. If anything, drinkin' that stuff in there may make it MUCH MORE worse.

...I'm thirsty in the worst way, like Tom Hanks makin' friends with that ball in Cast Away, or the hopeless feeling of seeing a boat pull further and further from the bay...and believe, last thing I wanna do is go crazy. I'm really tryna stay sane, so maybe quenchin' my thirst will give me the same feeling he had when he finally got back on that plane, and alas felt...at peace.

What's left to do? I aint tryna die from dehydration, or something else that can be prevented. Then again, the last thing I wanna do is take a swig from just anywhere, regardless of how cold it is, or how it's being presented. Best thing to do now is just...go to sleep, and hope this thirst subsides, but if it doesn't...it's off to 7/11 I go, and that trip is VERY close by.

8/27/08 @ 2:42 AM

Photo by Konstantin Sutyagin

Slow Motion

Dammit...had a minor setback recently. I wasn't able to get the bread I needed for school, so I gotta sit on the sidelines this semester. I can't afford it outta pocket anymore, so I gotta wait for my GRE scores to get back, so I can get financial aid. Hopefully, things will fall in line (GRE, getting fully admitted into my program, all that jazz), so I can go strong at it, once the Winter comes around. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, though. The process will have to change, because I had this planned out perfectly, but due to timing, and my own missteps, it'll change, but it's all good.

Besides that, things are cool. I'm gettin' a lil better from being in the mindset I was in about two weeks ago, when I was like "fuck this person, that person, etc." It was liberating (don't know if that's the word I'm lookin' for, but it's the one that came out) to vent, and the process to clear my mind hasn't been all that smooth, but it is what it is, ya know?

I wanna make this clear: when it comes to me, I'll NEVER blame a person for single-handedly causing trouble in paradise, causing things to not work out, or any negativity and friction. It takes two to tango, so you will never see me doing any female-bashing, people-bashing, institutional bashing (well, maybe institutional bashing) or any of that corny shit. Sure, I get mad like the next person, but it's completely unrealistic for things to not work out, solely because of one person (regardless of how stupid and evil that one person's deeds may be). The other party probably did something to contribute to them acting that way. There's no tellin', but it's easier to tell if you're true to yourself (which I try my best to be, on a daily basis). Simply put, I'll vent from time-to-time, but I'll also be quick to acknowledge my role, and if I don't, feel free to check me!

Be easy.

Therapy

Lets show people what happens...

when the boundaries are lifted, and we just...take off. The possibilities are endless, and truly have no limits. It's like we could talk forever, with no worries of runnin' over our daytime minutes. There's never a plan for what we're about to do; it's just you and me, for eternity, for all the world to see. There are friends, and there are foes; there's people who talk all that shit, but really wish they were the ones bein' chose. They wish they had what we had, when we throw caution to the wind and just...GO.

Others look and say "man...how do you do it?" For me, it's easy. It just comes naturally. See, we're inseperable, regardless of what's going on in my life. You've found a way to always have my back, when I was clearly the one bein' trife. This feeling I get from you can't be had with anyone else.

And when it's time for us to go our separate ways, I know we'll be back together soon; it's just a matter of time when I'll call your name, and you'll come struttin' back in the room, and have my back, like you always do. So even through it's time to go, I know it'll be alright, and I know it's far from the end. I know it's simply a matter of time, before this paper and pen meet again.

8/21/08 @ 1:27 A.M.

Grown People's Advisory

Note: The following post contains language that is not the everyday verbage that is found at this place of residence. With that being said, Grown People's Discretion is strongly advised :-)

*deep breath*

You know, I usually don't sweat things, or people. It really takes a lot to truly, TRULY piss me off. Granted, things do indeed get under my skin (bad grammar, people thinking there's a woman who is actually BADDER than Halle Berry, someone saying Kobe is better than Jordan), but they hardly fester or come up to the point where I truly get angry by it. I just remove that person, or those thoughts, from my existence. Lately though, I can't say that's been the case. Lately, things have happened that have pissed me off, almost to the point of no return, and when that happens, you can't tell me SHIT. By then, I'll feel like I've already voiced my opinions and concerns in a respectful manner, way before I ever had to lose my cool. However, in this case, I figure writing about it is better than me cussin' somebody out, because I'd rather not let anyone have THAT MUCH control over my emotions.

The easiest ways to truly piss me off, and make me not wanna fuck with you, on any level, is to make me feel like I'm kicking a dead horse (a.k.a. repeating myself), or insulting my intelligence.

I'm far from perfect, trust me. I'll be the first to admit that I've done some fucked-up shit in my travels. I've hurt people's feelings, played people, and, at times, been a horrible friend. After extensive examination, I realized I was scared, stupid, and EXTREMELY inconsiderate. Some people may not see it that way, but I consider myself to truly be my own toughest critic. Plus, I think it really takes a lot to own up to your role in how things go, and if you can, and not blame everyone else for why shit doesn't work out, then you are truly being an adult, and exhibiting growth. With that being said, my episodes of bad endings, unnecessary incidents, and all that other shit have lessened big-time. If I meet someone now, and I KNOW I can't do a damn thing for 'em, I'll tell 'em, up front. If we get together, and it doesn't feel right, I'll tell 'em. It won't even be after I sleep with 'em (had to throw that in, because even THAT doesn't motivate me to use my powers for evil anymore). It's better to be 100 than to lie to yourself and another person, who is investing their time and their effort in you. Plus, there's something called KARMA that will come back, and get at you EVERY...SINGLE...TIME.

With that being said, if there's an issue that's being had (in one case, lack of communication), don't roll up on me like nothing has ever happened, especially if I don't know why the hell we stopped talkin' in the first place, EVEN after I asked. I understand doing things on your own time, but when the conversation is initiated from you to me, hello is cool. After that, we need to discuss what's really important. If not, and you dodge it, I'll either (a) STRAIGHT-ignore you, or (b) speak out of cordiality, but nothing more, probably ever. More than likely, I go with Option B.

Okay, enough venting (at least publicly). I pride myself in being optimistic, and always doing my best to exude positivity. With that being said, there will be no more public displays like this...hahahaha. Be easy.

24/7

Words do you no justice; there isn't a way they can be put together to describe your effects. Maybe it's already been done by now, and even though I'm not totally certain, I've already chalked it up as one of my few regrets...of not being the first one to tell you how beautiful you are, and how kind your heart is; how my mouth breaks into a smile upon hearing your voice, watching you walk, or just taking in your scent. Enough time has gone by to realize its been some of the best that's ever been spent.

Even when there are no words exchanged, the thoughts still remain. It goes through my body, and flows through every single vein; it's evident in my speech, and it's the fast-acting relief for any type of pain. Who knows what'll happen in the future, and it's no one's job to try and predict it; that's not even close to my style. Right now, you consume my thoughts 24/7, and I'm cool with that...whether it's long-lasting, or only for a little while.

7/30/08 @ 11:36 P.M.

Photo by Shannon Mowling

K.I.S.S.

Kindness... is evident before we even touch each other's lips. You could be on the other side of town, and I'd still feel your pull, and their tips. I gotta have you close to me, and have my hands wrapped completely around your hips...even if it's only for a moment. We have a way of making something so brief...last a lifetime.

Intense...feels TOO good to me, so I never want it to end. It's the song on my personal soundtrack, that I can listen to over and over again. Your taste is addictive, stronger than any drug known to man. It has effects that should cause it to be completely and totally banned. Even if it was, I'd still break the law...just to get it. It's that real.

Seductive...enticing, alluring. It's both of these things, and more. Even in its simplest form, it's impossible to get to the core...of what makes it what it is. It's so powerful, it could be considered lethal. Even with that, in your possession, it's strangely beautiful...like something regal.

Serene...even with its other elements, there's a level of peaceness that comes everytime it's exchanged. It can be quick and brief, or filled with length, with a surreal amount of range. Long or short; drawn-out or brief. It's something that, as soon as we depart, I already miss. Something so simple to others, means the world to me, and it's the feel...of your KISS.

7/24/08 @ 10:56 P.M.

Restless...Again

Sorry for this not being a poem; I just don't have much to say right now.

It's a lil after one in the morning, but I'm not up, due to anything bad going on, or too many thoughts creeping in my mind. I'm up reading Dreams From My Father, by Obama.

I've been reading it for about a week now, and since about 9 PM this evening, straight-through. I hope the cat who's running for President is as trill as the dude who's in this book (he was in his mid-30s when he wrote this). It may seem odd to see what I'm saying, but if you've read it, or will read it, you'll see exactly what I mean. Basically, I just hope he hasn't, or doesn't, get poisoned by outside bullshit, or anything else that can a detriment, or not be sincere.

I'm gonna end this now, and get back to my reading. Be easy.

Black Women: Part Three

Part I

Part II

This begins by saying an apology is in order. It's necessary for the times we took your presence for granted. It's crucial for the instances where it was us who became disillusioned and disenchanted...but the disappointment should be placed on us, for not doing our part to continually treat you like queens. We should take the sole responsibility for not cherishing the greatest gift our eyes have ever seen.

We should love all of you the way we love our mothers and our daughters; unconditionally, as the central figures in just about any brother's life. We should cherish you completely, whether you're a teacher, lawyer, or our very own wife. There's no justification for you being reduced to an object, a tool, or a toy. You should be handled like the gems you are, and placed on a pedestal for giving the world your love and irreplaceable joy.

These words are the opposite of empty; they're filled with the sincerity of Black men everywhere, who vow to do better, and to place you back on your throne where you belong. We know if you're by our side, it gives us our best chance to make it, and the least chance to ever go wrong. So from the bottom of our collective hearts, we apologize, and make a pledge to treat you as the definition of a queen, simply from knowing the vision of you will continue to be the greatest gift our eyes will ever see.

7/9/08 @ 1:15 P.M.


Photo by Clifton Henri

Restless

It's 4:30 in the morning.

Around this time, I'm usually sleep, but I'm laying here instead, restless, where these thoughts of mine continue to creep.

I wanna yell, curse, and scream at the same time, but it would do no use; need to have a conversation with my two halves, and come to some sort of resolution and truce. Something like this was sure to happen; a night where I couldn't sleep, and it would surface through the pain of a throbbing tooth. Then again, it's probably just a reflection of my mind, body, and soul right now, and through this pain, it's forcing to confront the necessary truth.

I don't wanna feel like this anymore. This pain has got to vanish, because I don't wanna have anymore nights like these...using the light on my phone as a guide for this pen, and hoping something good can come from this, so I can go back to sleeping peacefully again...

6/25/08 @ 4:38 A.M.

Taste Of Your Own Medicine

DAMMIT!

That's the easiest way to sum it up. The best way to put it, because that's exactly what it is. No matter how you try and analyze it; keep guessing, and you'll just continue to miss. There's no point in even tryna turn it all around. It was a matter of time, before your flight experienced some turbulence...and came crashing to the ground.

Intentional or not, this is what its become. You're not about to go fishing for clues, because that's not your style. It would be easier to stay the course, but you wonder if it's really worth it, because you're not built to go the extra mile. So all you can do is laugh...but in a pitiful sort of way, basically to keep from cryin'. You'll try to build yourself a case, but the better part of you will call you out on it, and pretty much say, "nigga PLEASE; you may as well stop lyin'..." to yourself, more than anyone else.

You've never been the questioning type, because you don't like when folks do it to you, and it may serve yourself best to not even try to flip the script now, just to see if these thoughts you're having in your head are indeed true. Right now, the best thing to do is learn from this lesson, and keep it movin'...'cause as long as you continue on in this battle, you're sure to keep on losin'.

5/23/08 @ 9:58 P.M.

Unsolved Mystery

Folks have called me a mystery of sorts...like there's more to all this, than what's in their peripheral vision, but there truly is no answer to this question, and I suggest you realize it quickly, before you waste anymore time on this particular mission.

You see, life isn't meant to be figured out in one meeting, or with an initial glance. You gotta be prepared for anything, and be ready if you're lucky enough to receive another chance. I'd be a fool to expose too much of myself initially, and I'd be crazy to expect the same from you, so you're better off just goin' with the flow, and seeing exactly where it can lead to...

But just when you think you got it all figured out, the script will be flipped, and you'll kick yourself angrily, 'cause you heard these exact same words already come from right between my lips. Trying to figure me out will just piss you off; it'll having you wasting too much of your time, and have you workin' way too hard. So go ahead, and just charge it to the game, and as a matter of fact, you can even put it on my card.

5/11/08 @ 1:09 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

J.O.Y.

Jubilation...being filled with happiness, hope, and life. It makes me feel like I'm worth TEN million bucks. I wanna pack it up, and load it in twice as many empty trucks...and transport it around, and share it with the entire world. We should all feel like this.

Optimistic...knowing there is indeed a reason to live, outside of what's in the papers, magazines, and on the screen. Realizing there's way more to this, than what we've already seen. I know there are obstacles in the way, but I don't care, because beyond that lies rewards that are waiting to be taken and shared...and it's exactly why I gotsta remain this way.

Youth...being overcome with enthusiasm, and just feelin' good. It's like havin' your favorite drink right there with your perfect plate of food; it's damn near as good as the song in your CD player that can ALWAYS put you in the right typa mood. Simply put, this is the one feeling that can put me back in time, take me away from the world, and make me feel like a lil boy. It's the feeling of pure, unadulterated...JOY.

3/9/08 @ 10:22 P.M.

Photo taken by Jeremy Biggers

Simplistic Beauty Revisited

The smallest things can grab the largest amounts of attention, when noticed by one who has an eye for detail. In this case, it's a woman, once again, who's the topic of discussion; one that can be had anytime, with no apprehension or repercussion...and this is why.

There's beauty in silence; hell, I get a rush just from watching her get ready. From the way she combs her hair, to finding those matching shoes with the top to wear. I get that same jones from watching her make the bed, or watching her brush her teeth; from the precision she shows when she's puttin' toe nail polish on her perfectly smooth feet. It's all poetry in motion, a song without music in the back...the most raw and vulnerable kind. The feeling she gives me makes me wanna pack up, and set up shop inside her head, so I can know everything that's goin' on in her mind.

Honestly, there's no other way of putting it. I refuse to believe this feeling is too good to be true, and since it isn't, there's only one more thing left to say...I want you.

3/3/08 @ 11:12 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

First Steps

It's funny lookin' back sometimes. If you're lucky enough, the reminders are right there, in your peripheral vision. You can see the attempts at it, and it takes you back to your very own rendition...of taking your first steps.

First crawling, then standing straight up, just tryna remain in one place. You're unsure, yet determined to walk, but you fall flat, right on your face. Still, you see other people doing it, and makin' it look so damn easy, and you wanna be like them, so you get up, and try again. It doesn't matter if the result's the same, because you wanna see this all the way through, from the beginning, right 'til the very end.

Sure, there's a couch or a table here; a chair, or a stray toy there, but it's just stuff that's in the way. You're determined to finish your quest, and you're determined to do it today.

Sometimes, I wish I could be that lil kid again...with no fear of what could happen, and no worry of gettin' hurt; but alas, here lies a grown man who's simply left to reminisce...about taking my first steps.

1/24/08 @ 12:11 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

4, 3, 2, 1.

I'm scared of you.

Those four words say it all; the way they felt coming outta my mouth, the sounds they made with their thundering fall. You put fear in my soul, trepidation in my movements, and doubt in my mind. I could wear a life jacket, a helmet, AND a seat belt, and I'd still be unequipped for this type of ride.

You scare me.

Even if I take it from four words to three, the exact same feelings will still reside within me. Not scary-movie, rollercoaster, by-yourself-at-night afraid; but knowing I can't outrun it all, so I just embrace myself for the inevitability of pain...

I'm afraid.

Go ahead, and take away two, and I'll STILL be scared shitless by the sight of you. The feelings are new, yet, they seem familiar. It's like I've seen this before, because too many things are eerily similar. I know there's good on the flip side, but right now, I'm mortified by the one thing that nobody has a remedy for. I'm scared to death...of...

love.

1/16/08 @ 11:06 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri