Let Go

Did you ever think you met somebody that you could never see yourself not having in your life?

Well, that's definitely happened for me and, at the time, I sincerely believed it.

However, circumstances change...some people change...while some stay the same.

When it's all said and done, regardless of how long one, or both, of y'all held on...there are times when you just have to let go.

When that happens, and you're sincerely okay with it, you'll know.

Stay cool, nothing to see here is the mantra. In other words, the intangibles, the feelings that were present will become the past, and it can be looked at as just that...the past.

Look out for number one. Period. Let go.

12/13/11 @ 9:40 P.M.

Reflections...

Feelings that plenty of us have experienced...

Show and tell

A good book + some tunes = the remedy.

Tranquility

1. a disposition free from stress or emotion.

2. an untroubled state; free from disturbances.

Sometimes, all it takes is the right combination at the right place at the right time.

In the case of what’s in front of me, at this time, it brings a sense of peace, joy, tranquility…simple, relaxed…just perfect.

A moment captured in time…something to pack in my bag, put in my wallet, or hang on the speedometer of my car. Something that’s so strong, you’d swear it’s close, despite the fact that it truly isn’t and is very much afar.

It would go as the perfect compliment in a frame on the desk, or serve as the perfect pick-me-up and inspiration while taking on life’s daily tests.

For a picture to be worth a thousand words, it only takes a single word to sum this one up…

…beautiful.

11/15/11 @ 10:21 P.M.

Reading is FUN-damental

I'm back in my groove with books.

I just finished Sweetness and learned a lot about The Great Walter Payton that I didn't know. Jeff Pearlman did a damn good job of bringing Payton, and his various sides, to life. It's a good one and certainly worth checking out. Plus, it didn't hurt that the book was sent to me for free.

Next up is Pay it Down, by Jean Chatzky. I'm not the greatest at managing money, so I figured the best thing to do is to learn from someone who is an expert in the field. Besides, it's not necessarily long, page-wise, but I'm hoping there's plenty to gain from it, and that I'll be better for it than I am right now.

After that, there's Falling Man, by Don DeLillo. I'm really looking forward to reading this one. Hopefully, I'll start it sometime this week. We'll see how that goes.

And after THAT, I'll get to John Carlos' autobiography, with Dave Zirin. Carlos is one of my heroes, and he, along with Tommy Smith, inspired me to fly to California to pay my respects to the statue on San Jose State's campus. It was one of the greatest days of my life, and I can't wait to pick his book up and see the words come to life.

Reading is fundamental, indeed. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Another weekend in the country and other random thoughts

Today at 5:00 officially marked the start of another weekend in the country. Friday nights are pretty routine at this point: do my laundry, work out, go to the store, and watch movies until I pass out. Besides that, there will be plenty of reading, sleep, and may even mix some running in. Speaking of which, the Race for the Cure was last week and, thanks to the efforts of the homie D-Shep, I finished the 5K with the best time I've ever had. The goal next year is to post an even better time.

Oh, and no sodas in weeks. They kinda just went away as 5K training started several weeks back, and since then, I just haven't had a desire to have another one. It's strictly juice, milk, and water over here.

It feels good to be working again. When I was unemployed, I had all the time in the world to think about everything and, best believe, that's exactly what I did. People made me mad, and it festered in my mind, because I didn't have shit to do!

Don't get me wrong; I had peace of mind even during that time, but it's even more apparent now because, for nothing else, people don't bother me anymore, because I simply have other ways to occupy my mind. It's a great feeling.

I miss "Jenkins." I think she's gonna come back soon, though, and when she does, I'll take her to get some ice cream.

Oh, and the nephew and I had Man Time at MacDonald's last weekend. This lil' dude didn't touch his food; he just wanted to play in the playhouse the entire time, but let me take some food home, and he wants to eat off my plate. Typical toddler.

That's all for now.

10/21/11 @ 6:11 P.M.

P.S. "Sweetness," by Jeff Pearland is really, really good so far.

Nothing went according to plan

So the last time I posted, my plan was to live it up, right?

The plan was to go party with old-school players and old-school girls. The plan was to go tailgate all day Saturday at a football game. The plan was to get a haircut, take my clothes to the cleaners, buy some sneakers, milk, and get a refrigerator to put in my office. Oh, and the plan was to go to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the Cowboys.

Well, I didn't do any of those things. Nope, not one.

What I did do was run. A lot. I slept, too. A lot (well, when I wasn't at work.) Maybe this weekend, the fortunes will change. All of the elements are in place for that to occur. If so, then perhaps my next entry will be a lil' more live.

Until then, it's back to watching beisbol, and starting a new book.

10/10/11 @ 7:37 P.M.

D.C.C. Part Four

I wanna go party with old-school players and old-school girls tomorrow night.

I wanna tailgate, eat big-ass amounts of food off the girll, and watch college football until I drop.

I wanna get a haircut...and take my clothes to the cleaners...and pick up the ones that are already there.

I wanna buy some sneakers...and some NIKE tees...and milk...and water...and a refrigerator, so I can put the milk and water in the refrigerator in my office.

Oh, and I wanna watch the Cowboys at Buffalo Wild Wings on Sunday.

This weekend, I'm gonna do all of these things...and after I do, I'll blog all about it.

9/29/11 @ 7:53 P.M.

D.C.C. Part Three

If this man ever releases another studio album again, I will stop everything I'm doing to go catch one of his shows on tour.

A quiet night, a bag full of laundry, and in the midst of countri-ness, personified. That's how I spent my Friday last weekend.

It was so random, yet so...right. I haven't been to a Washerteria in so long that I forgot to go by the store and pick up some laundry detergent. I got in there, washed and dried my clothes, and had a blast doing so pretty much the entire damn time. The combination of moving to another city, wanting to sit still for a weekend, and the need for clean clothes all came together right on time.

There was enough random activity, with just enough country-ass shit, in there for me to be amused, despite the fact that anyone else probably didn't find anything amusing about a man in the Washerteria on a Friday night doing laundry. At the moment, this is my life.

More and more, I realize that it really doesn't take much to be happy. It truly is about the little things. This post isn't going to make sense; hell, I'm bound to look at it a month from now and wonder what the hell was going on in my head to make me write even this. It's all good, though. When you're at peace, it doesn't have to make sense. I just want peace to continue to reign above all and, at the moment, that's exactly what's going on.

D.C.C. Part Two

The revolution will be live. - Brother Gil Scott-Heron

It's okay to be your biggest fan. However, you should never take yourself too serious. At one time, I did and, after life kicked me in the balls for a couple of years, I learned to laugh and smile at just about any and everything. Now I believe in my ability to make things happen, but it's done with a sense of lightheartedness and a peace of mind that I hadn't possessed before.

I still reads the paper every morning, eat the same breakfast (two sausage biscuits from MacDonald's), and gets to work 40 minutes early. It's not because I'm some great employee; it's so I can get myself going, and if I do like I always have done, walking into work right before it's "GO TIME," I won't be worth a damn.

After this weekend, I think I'm gonna hang in Siberia for a while; it means I gotta get to Rudy's sometime today, and hopefully get to the barbershop. I wish there was more exciting things to share from the past week. With that said, God is love, God is good, and when you know that's the case, that's really all the excitement I need.

Oh, and I'll be picking up this book next. Gotta keep my mind at ease, right? Right.

9/10/11 @ 1:27 P.M.

D.C.C.

I had another title for this next series of posts, but I forgot what it was. I'll change it when I remember. For now though, we'll call them the Daily Commute Chronicles.

So today is Friday, aka the last day of the work week. As stated in my last entry, I got a new job at a junior college in Siberia (not really Siberia; people who know me know where it is; well, some who know me don't, but that's not important right now.) Anyway, the job is dope as hell and I really think I'm gonna love it here. Granted, it's only been a week, but I could tell you after a week at any other job I've had before if I would have an indication of what I would think of it. With that said, this one is cool.

I didn't take any Ls in the past week. I went out on Saturday night and kicked it with the homies and saw some more homies, homegirls, and other folks that I haven't seen in a while. That's one of the cool things about stepping out on occasion. Since I only go out once a month, it doesn't give me many opportunities to see folks and, in a way, it's a good thing.

I drive 55 miles one way every single day, and I get to work super-duper early; like 40 minutes early. At this rate, it's safe to say I'm gonna find an apartment sometime in the next few months that's in Siberia and not in Scandinavia where I drive from now. Roscoe (my car) isn't built to be driving up and down like this on a regular basis anymore. He's past his prime, and while he still gets the job done, I gotta take it easy on him, yaknow?

I miss KSOUL and KRNB like you wouldn't believe. D'Angelo's Voodoo helps make the drive fun every morning, but there's nothing like having TJMS and some old-school tunes to get the morning started right. Once I move into my office, I'll be able to get KSOUL and KRNB on the internet and best believe I'll be playing it in my office all damn day.

That's pretty much it for now. Be easy.

9/2/11 @ 12:14 P.M.

TOTU: Chapter Six

Last Thursday, my grandmother went on to be with God and her husband, my grandfather, in heaven. The cause was cancer. She went just like she asked ahead of time: with her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids all around. She was 83 years old and full of life.

I didn't cry at all, because she was someone who knew where she was going and made sure to make me, and others, feel as okay as possible about what was going on with her. Instead, I celebrated her life and played the role of consoling family members who did grieve.

The funeral was last Sunday and it was a great service all-around. The family sang songs, told stories, and sent her home the best way possible. It was dope and it was great seeing some people I literally hadn't seen in years.

A friend of mine had a pool party the same day, which I promised I would attend weeks before. Luckily, the funeral home was literally right down the road from the party, so I showed up, dress clothes on and all. I hung around for close to an hour, and when she and others asked why I was dressed up, I simply told them I was coming back from a service, but not what type of service. They didn't need to know all that. Besides, in the words of a great man, "When Sinatra says he'll show, he'll show."

I did take another L recently, and this one came (somewhat) outta nowhere. Granted, we've been friends for a long time, and I think after the initial feeling wears off, everything will be cool. It serves as another example of no matter how good things can get, things have to progress, and at a pace for both parties, or things have to change.

On the bright side (yes, there is a bright side), after 750+ days of being unemployed, I start a new job on Monday at a college in Siberia---I mean, well, the people who need to know do know where it is. For everyone else, I'll stick with Siberia.

It's been so long since I've had a job that the first day or two are gonna be a serious adjustment. I'm used to staying up late and watching Sportscenter, movies, reading, writing, and shootin' the shit. Fortunately, that will change, and I'll start sleeping like a human being again.

I'm looking forward to working with students, faculty, and being a part of a community. It's something I've held out for, career-wise, and it's finally here. God knows what he's doing all the time, doesn't He?

Oh yeah, TOTU stands for Tales of the Unemployed. I'll see about coming up with a new title starting next week.

8/25/11 @ 2:21 P.M.

TOTU: Chapter Five

My Spanish lessons have gotten real again.

I've been learning Spanish online for the past six months, and the process has gone reasonably well. I do my lessons on here, watch movies on HBO Latino, watch DVDs on the Spanish option, and chop it up on occasion with my friends who speak Spanish. For the most part, all has gone well.

It's amazing how easy it was to learn English just from being around it as a child. Learning another language as an adult is possible, but it's very challenging. I'm gonna stick with it, though. Quitting is not an option.

I've taken more Ls recently than I remember. Part of me laughs them off, but you never take chances thinking that your effort won't pay off. A lot of it is on me, though. Due to my situation, I feel handicapped about doing certain things, which comes off as a lack of effort or inconsistency. People gotta do what they gotta do to look out for number one, and I get it. However, it takes two to tango, and at times, it seems like one person is doing more dancing than the other.

It looks like things are brewing, in regards to my current situation, and if they're brewing the way all the indicators are showing, I'll be moving around very soon. I'm ready to do so. The challenges that lie ahead are beyond exciting. Plus, it helps that the energy in this area is all positive, and if there is negative energy, I just haven't seen it, or it's minimal.

There are times when it takes a change of scenery to leave certain people and situations behind. No need to say it aloud to 'em, especially if the effort's been there all this time to make something shake and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. The thing left to do is not say anything else, and just go.

8/18/11 @ 7:38 P.M.

Disbelief

One way to make feelings of disbelief cease from existing is to take that L and move around with as much grace as possible.

Moving around will be easy. The grace part? Iono. I'm petty by nature.

Oh well. Charge it to the game.

8/14/11 @ 10:13 P.M.

TOTU: Chapter Four

I missed the Maze concert.

You wanna talk about being mad as hell? On Saturday night, I was mad as hell. Granted, I had some Rudy's to soften the blow, but still. Saturday night was Maze night. It was gonna be the night to get out, put some clothes on, get to this concert, and take some old-school girl by the hand and dance all night long to every single song they played...

...except I didn't go.

That makes two unforgivable events this summer. First, it was missing Sade, and now it's Maze. It's about as big a damn nightmare as one can have.

Onto better things: currently, I'm reading a book about the beginnings of the NFL, but it's also about the social history of particular places in the country during that time. Now I do love sports, but I'm not really big on reading books about sports. When it comes to the books I have, the subjects are all over the place, and if you were to look at my collection, it would be evidence of that. Sports are noticeably absent, which is fine by me. However, this book was sent as a gift, and I like what I'm seeing so far.

Besides that, things are a-ok. The job hunt is the job hunt. I've pretty much decided to change majors before the Pursuit of the Ph.D. takes shape. At the earliest, it'll start in a few weeks. If by chance something comes along, then it'll start in the spring. Either way, it's goin' down, so I'm not too worried about it.

Oh, and the ol' espanol is coming along. I'm gonna be a bilingual monster in no time.

TOTU: Chapter Three

I turned 29 yesterday.

That's a scary number. What makes this different from, say, 22-28 is that, during those times, I felt invincible. Once yesterday came around though, it seems like I'm approaching some strange place of mortality; almost as if I officially have 364 days to have as much reckless fun as possible, talk crazy, wear a mohawk if I feel like it, sneak chicken wings into the movie theater, pee in public, and do Ric Flair struts behind women until I approach that next stage in life where such behaviors are not embraced and/or becoming of a man at a particular age.

I won't even type the number, let alone say it. Instead, I'll focus on enjoying 29 as much as possible. If nothing else, two folks told me my number is finally adding up with my demeanor (in other words, I was 18 going on 29 a long time ago.)

Interview number two was a couple of days ago. Being in a room and having numerous people ask you questions from all angles was a new one, but it was cool, mainly because I want to be there. If it was simply going to an interview at a place I had no connection to, other than attempting to collect a check, the process would have either bored me to tears, or my demeanor would have illustrated to them that they have the wrong guy in front of them. However, it was the opposite of that on Monday, and even with that said, I'm not sweating it. Things work out, I'll go work there. They don't, and I'll start the Ph.D. in the fall. It's really that simple.

Maze is coming in town on Saturday, and I'm gonna try my damndest to make it out to their show. This Marable book is getting better with each turn as well. I had a discussion about editing and typos recently that was about as exciting and passionate as talking about a football or basketball game (nerdy, yes, but true.) Oh, and running through the AFI Top 100 movies of all-time has been a blast. That's all for now.

TOTU: Chapter Two

A life decision was made over the weekend. It was one that everyone has had to face in their time on Earth. It was one where the decision you make alters how the following time will come:

Do I have enough gas money to get there and back?

Oh, yes. This happened, and it was not a game. Now the easy thing to say is "Well, just get in the car with someone and chip in on gas," but I've long given up on riding in the car with people. I'm a team player when it comes to a lot of things, but in the words of a great philosopher "I live alone, I train alone, I win the world title alone." Okay, the great philosopher was Clubber Lang in Rocky III, but the point is I'd rather travel alone.

The event in question was the wedding of one of my closest friends, which was three hours away in Austin last Saturday. I was set to go, and even when I got a call late Friday afternoon to come out for a job interview three days later, I was still crunk...

...only the interview was out of town, as was the wedding, and not only were they both out of town, they were on totally opposite ends of the highway.

Now I had less than 24 hours to decide how I was going to pull off doing both. Time was ticking, I was running out of ideas, and I decided to make a decision that I immediately regretted. I missed the wedding, stayed home, watched movies all night, then drove downtown and kicked it for a homie's birthday. Oh, and the job interview, of course. I went to that.

Oh, and there was jury duty a couple of days ago. It was my first time being summoned by my great city to perform my service to the community, and when I got there, I saw at least 200 people sitting there as well. Some were on their phones. Others were reading magazines, and just about everyone kept looking at their watches. Court started late, and for people who were already agged about being there, it was especially painful.

I get there at 8:20, and I'm relieved at 9:20. That's right, one hour of duty. There were a limited amount of cases on the docket, but the court still made sure to select as many potential jurors as possible. Since I wasn't one of them, I, along with about 120 more people, were free to go.

We were paid a grand total of six dollars for our day at the courthouse, which I donated to a youth and family counseling organization. Shoot, once they said the checks (a six dollar check) would be mailed within a week, the decision to give it away pretty much made itself.

7/27/11 @ 12:44 P.M.

TOTU: Chapter One

In the past, I wrote a series of poems which eventually came together to tell a variety of stories. They were all personal in nature, all involved a woman, and all made me feel some kinda way. They were always centered around love, which as a man, can be a challenge to express publicly, while also maintaining a sense of dignity. This is when growing up with sisters is so valuable; they've shown me how to have a sensitive side without being a sissy, even if they don't realize it.

Well, since I have so much time on my hands, I'm going to try that again, except this time, they won't be poems and they won't be centered around love. They'll be more like snippets in my life at the moment, and once this particular part of my life concludes, so will the story. My goal is to write something at least once a week. Here goes, with chapter one.

5:46 A.M.

The morning started off abnormally early, despite the fact that I got the same amount of sleep as I do just about every night (roughly 4-5 hours.) I long ago decided that I stay up late because (a) my mind loves to work, (b) I always feel like I'll miss something by sleeping, and (c) for the most part, everyone else is sleep and for whatever reason, I just feel more accomplished by staying busy when everyone else is down for the count.

Once I woke up, the day went as most others do. I did some editing for the ETSF website, listened to The Morning Jones, and applied for jobs. Yes, the all-consuming task of applying for jobs. It's always an adventure to look at qualifications, my resume, the job requirements, my resume, and the location, and my resume again.

One of these days, my pride may get the best of me. Attempting to break into a field with not much experience is infinitely tougher than going into a field where I do have experience. However, I'd rather take the difficult route this time, and besides, if I was to go back and work in my previous field, I wouldn't make it through the week. I'll explain why in another entry.

Anyway, I did all that, and now it's past 9. It doesn't even feel like morning, but when you wake up so early for no apparent reason, that's the result. Who knows how the rest of the day will go; possibly a trip to 24 Hour Fitness, so I can workout and also chop it up with the old-school player who's been adopted as another unofficial mentor (he has no say-so in the matter; the man is 55 years old and likes to tell stories; I'm sure he won't mind.) Besides that, it's another day in paradise.

Be easy.

P.S. I'll share what TOTU means later.

Turn-around

Slowly but surely, things are turning around.

In the meantime, there's still plenty to be done.

7/11/11 @ 2:31 A.M.

Post-shower thoughts

As is the daily routine, I wrapped up my workout at 24 and came back to the batcave to regroup. Well, that's always the plan, but it never works out that way. I tell myself to fix something to eat as soon as I get in, but I still don't end up eating until at least two hours after I'm done working out.

I tell myself to hop in the shower as soon as I walk through the door, but that doesn't happen, because I'm usually listening to Galloway and Company on the way home. It never fails; I get in, turn on 103.3, so I can keep listening to Mr. Randy, Ian, and Matt and then plop down to finish reading, or doing whatever else besides fixing something to eat or taking a shower.

Finally, I head to the shower, take what feels like the greatest shower of all-time, and as I'm drying off, something comes over me. It's a startling revelation, and once it hit me, it kinda calmed me down from the state of mind that I've been enveloped in for the past few weeks.

Things went exactly the way they did (close to two years ago), because they had to. You were at a job you hated everyday and absolutely did not want to be at. There were some days that were positive, but mostly, you didn't want to be there. You weren't prepared to quit, so you kept doing it. Eventually, they laid you off, and in that moment, while they were saying how much they regretted "having" to do it, it was one of the happiest times of your life, and looking back, it was best to absorb every bit of those feelings, every bit of being somewhere and doing something you hated for that long to know you never want to feel like that again.

There have been moments of frustration, anger, confusion, all the shit people go through every day. There have also been times of joy, happiness, and laughter despite the fact I've never been more broke in my life. It affects everything I do, which has been a blessing and a curse. Hell, it forces you to get creative. It's given me an unfathomable amount of free time. Seriously, there has been no reason for me to say "I can't or won't do this, because I don't have time." Shit, if there's one thing I've had plenty of over the last couple of years, it's time, and it's allowed me to do everything under the sun.

All of this is happening, because it has to. It doesn't make sense to stay pissed about it, which I've done a pretty decent job of not doing, although I have had my days recently of just shutting down. Sure, it gets annoying to look at the gas tank and wonder why it seems to live on E when I just filled the damn thing up a few days ago. Yeah, it gets old to have to scrap and find a way to fix something to eat like I'm back in undergrad again, but at the same time, it's humbling. It gets aggravating to apply for positions, reconfigure the ol' resume, type up a gazillion cover letters, only to get rejected, but in the words of The Great Negro Philosopher Ron Washington, "that's the way baseball go."

In previous years, I had no idea what I could do that would bring me joy and happiness everyday. I just knew there had to be more to life than working some punk-ass jobs and going through the motions, but since I didn't know what brought me joy, I kept working some punk-ass jobs and going through the motions. Now, I've figured it out, and I'm putting as much energy as possible into not only finding a job, but starting a career. Eventually, it'll work itself out, even if I don't know when that is.

I don't go out much anymore and have become even more of a hermit than I was when I had bread and was working all the damn time, but it feels like it's the right thing to do. It's just about going through this time and once things get better, with my gas tank staying on full, keeping bills up, being able to buy some sneakers, sending my mama and them some money just for the hell of it, or simply going out to a nice restaurant for dinner, I'll remember this as a chapter in my life that simply had to happen for it to be fully appreciated.

6/14/11 @ 6:42 P.M.

Memories

From Dictionary.com:

mem·o·ry   

1.
the mental capacity or faculty of retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, etc., or of recalling or recognizing previous experiences.
2.
this faculty as possessed by a particular individual: to have a good memory.
3.
the act or fact of retaining and recalling impressions, facts, etc.; remembrance; recollection: to draw from memory.

Memories are what we make them. If one chooses to keep remnants of them around, they're sure to surface at some point, and judging from some things I've stumbled upon just now, it's more than evident that it's time for some of these to be dismissed from this joint.

Memories are what we make them in the sense that if you have a decent memory, the events, people, and places will more than likely reside within you somewhere...even if they're tucked deep and far away. Trying to fight it is futile, regardless of how strong you are and how many times you've been able to get past things in your day.

Still...you can do something about the reminders. Those can find a way to your nearest receptacle, and while it may be harsh, it's truly for the best. You're at a place in your life where peace of mind is the priority, the mission, and the goal above all the rest.

Memories are cool for what they are, but in some cases, they should be nothing more. The reminders should be done away with, all the while doing the best to maintain good vibes with little-to-no reason to be anything but positive about why it's being done. Besides, the idea is to move forward and to remember that the fun has truly just begun.

6/9/11 @ 12:36 P.M.

Irresponsible

I committed an irresponsible act today. I went to the bookstore with the intentions of finishing the Johnny Cash autobiography that I've been bullshittin' around with for far too long.

After paying for my Caramel Macchiato and one of those big-ass Reese's Pieces peanut butter cookies, I took a stroll around Barnes and Noble to see what they had that would catch my eye.

Immediately, I was drawn to a book called The Autobiography of an Execution by David Dow. As is the case with previous books, I picked it up, was intrigued by the description, and put it back on the shelf, while making a mental note to buy it later.

For some reason though, I picked the book back up and headed to my table with it, opened it up, and flipped through the first two pages...

...two hours later, I was still reading it. The book started getting creased up, pages were bending, the whole nine. Once I realized I was reading it that long, and totally neglecting the one I brought with me, I put it back where I found it and left.

It's irresponsible, because I know reading a book that long = go ahead and buy. However, I didn't do so, and because of that, I feel like an asshole.

Sorry, Barnes and Noble. Next time I come in there, I'll buy the book. I promise.

6/9/11 @ 12:32 A.M.

Charge it to the game

Today I saw something come my way...

...a blast from the past, if you will; albeit not that long ago...

...I had zero desire to respond...

...so I didn't.

6/8/11 @ 2:10 A.M.

This is only a test

...that's how the lil' delay in action goes, right?

A few moments taken out just to keep you on guard until things get back in order.

*sigh* This test continues...

6/2/11 @ 12:45 A.M.

Feelin' good...

...and I don't know why.

Well, yes I do.

Through a loss, I was exposed to gain. It wasn't a personal loss, and I was vaguely familiar with said person. Better late than never.

This is the first time I've felt this good in a long time, despite not having a clue of how and when things are going to change for my liking...

...and for the moment, that's perfectly fine by me.

Photo by Assenus

Much rather have...

...much rather have soul, fire, and heart than technical perfection...
- J. Cash

I can dig it.

5/1/11 @ 7:22 P.M.

Mind. Body. Soul.

I've always made it a point to harp on the importance of mind, body, and soul...and now, more than ever, it's at the extreme and has taken on an invaluable and irreplaceable role.

Mind is working harder than ever before. Refining certain techniques. Learning a new language. It's all fun.

Body is being pushed in ways that hasn't been pushed before. Five days a week at the gym working out. That part's not new, but the methods are. There's a curiosity in incorporating a routine that I've never been consistent with before.

My soul is free. Even in times of uncertainty, and a time that could be better, I feel free.

It's never felt better to be alive.

4/27/11 @ 3:18 P.M.

Photo taken by danielfem7

Unspoken communication

When you can speak to someone without saying a word explicitly, and they absolutely know where you're coming from, the feeling is priceless.

4/16/11 @ 1:12 A.M.

Inspiration (for K.A.F.)

You wrote about kisses, and I gotta admit, the words turned into images, and the images came to life. That's the sign of something good, something authentic, something real. It's evidence that your words aren't said for the sole purpose of looking good; they're mean to move your soul and be something you absolutely feel.

Whatever the intent was, just know it exuded intimacy, genuineness, and the ability to make me smile...and even though the trip to your side was unplanned, I'm glad I ended up there and decided to stay a little while.

4/16/11 @ 12:06 A.M.

Always here.

Basketball, books, music, and writing are my constant companions these days.

These are the ones I absolutely love, can count on, and have never, ever let me down.

4/14/11 @ 12:53 A.M.

Just because.

Smile. Laugh. Relax. Chill.

3/30/11 @ 2:13 A.M.

It's on.

Recently, I had a talk with my big brother down at SXSW (he's not my blood brother; dude simply has endless amounts of old-school wisdom, but he's still young enough to pass as my older brother). Anyway, he opened my eyes on how to proceed with some moves that I've been a part of for the past year, but never really thought of doing much more than what I had been doing.

Admittedly, I've always found it difficult to do something big, yet have something retain it's ultimate ability to be organic. However, that's something that, if you're good enough at what you do, you can find a way for it to never lose that trait; never lose its authenticity. It was a conversation that needed to be had.

Plus, it helps that's he's doing something similar, has faced some of his own concerns with doing what he's doing, and it has made what he does even bigger and just as authentic.

Moves will be made. All that was needed was a little push.

3/23/11 @ 11:36 A.M.

Well, damn.

In life, you're sure to experience plenty of highs and plenty of lows. There are bound to be times when you feel like you're on top of a mountain, and there are times when you feel like you're in a pit.

Regardless of the outcome, favorable or unfavorable, you know you have to move on...

...but sometimes, you're not thinking that far ahead. You just let it sink in, and adjust accordingly later.

...right now is one of those times.

3/14/11 @ 6:19 P.M.

Photo by ronnimofotos [dot] blogspot [dot] com

Exhale.

Tomorrow isn't promised.

Once you realize it's okay to speak your mind to anyone who you feel it should be spoken to, and you can do it with no reservation, then you can breathe easy.

At this point, I have nothing to lose.

3/4/11 @ 2:00 A.M.

Photo courtesy of Something in my head (dot) tumblr (dot) com

Perception isn't always reality

Even when it looks like I'm doing nothing, best believe I'm doing something...

2/27/11 @ 2:11 A.M.

More doubt, new challenges, and other randomness

Well, you know that whole doubt thing? Yeah, it's still there. Granted, it's not at the level that it was the last time I posted about it, but it's still there. I'm making one last-ditch effort to see if the road I'm heading on is the one I'm supposed to be heading on right now. If so, great. If not, then hey; I'll live. Lemme stop lyin'. If this doesn't work out, I'm gonna be beyond devastated.

In the meantime, I'm picking up Spanish. For one, I've wanted to learn for quite a while, and if there's one thing I have a lot of, it's time. Two, it'll help just to know another language to shoot the breeze and have conversations with even more folk. I've been at it for about a week and a half now. I don't really have a time limit as to when I wanna have it down. Hell, the way I see it, there are still words in the English language I'm learning every day.

I've been posting a lotta love/romance songs lately (Facebook), but that's because KSOUL and KRNB jam, and, outside of ESPN Radio from 2-6 P.M., that's pretty much all I listen to.

The older I get, the more I'm fascinated about the simple things about women (her walk, look, non-verbal cues, etc). The normal stuff doesn't do it as much for me anymore, and as much as I love a big butt and nice chesticles...that's really all they are now. If my attention isn't captured by more than that fairly quick, then hey *shrugs* Yup, I'm getting more boring by the minute.

It also means that some may not know how to respond to my brand of conversation. Granted, there is some flirtation in there, but there isn't much else I wanna do these days other than make a woman smile, and go on about my day.

2/23/11 @ 1:09 A.M.

Malcolm X Appreciation Day.

No matter what's going on on February 21st, it's made a priority by me to make sure to pay homage to one of my heroes, Malcolm X, on this very day. Granted, I do my best to live by some of the principles he expressed that I feel like are directed towards me each and everyday, but on this particular day, the day he was assassinated, it's about sharing that with the masses.

Long live Malcolm X.

Doubt

A couple of events transpired recently that made me, for the first time in about ten years, wonder if I'm cut out for the road I am currently on. It's one thing to be told you're not needed or wanted in certain avenues, and after a while, you get used to it, and you really accept it as a fact of life.

However, when you go a different route, one that you just feels like the way to go, even with the hardships, uncertainty, and challenges that are sure to come, and it STILL doesn't work out? Well, it's not only humbling, but it's deflating.

Oh well; as always, the only thing to do is trust in God, because, whether it's for good or for bad, He always knows what He's doing.

2/7/11 @ 1:19 A.M.

Photo by Michael P. Whelan

Journey into the unknown

Usually when you don't know the outcome of how an event will go, it leads you to leave well enough alone. It can have the look of something amazing, with all the ingredients needed to reach ecstasy, joy, and an unmatched thrill. Even with that, odds can still be stacked and a person's feelings, as well as other factors, keep you from going in for the kill.

Sure, you've seen bits and pieces of the unknown, but you have yet to dive in head-first. There's a certain level of apprehension, even while knowing plunging in will certainly quench your thirst.

It's worth the shot, which is why the desire to find out what lies behind the door outweighs the possibility of awkwardness, uncertainty, or things going awry. Besides, something says this will be so good, we'll leave speaking in French, Spanish, and Portugese of the reminders we left behind. That's right; it'll be so real, we'll learn dialects we never knew before, and once we're done, we'll do it again, so we can learn two or three more.

If you're ready for a journey into the unknown, relax your mind, and we'll go...and before we know it, the unknown will be just the opposite, where nothing but good times will certainly flow.

2/2/11 @ 7:26 P.M.

Photographer Unknown

The Moment

When the moment came, it was...to say the least, worth the wait. The fact that our lips were so close wasn't a shock, yet the events that transpired certainly were not planned. Regardless of the way it happened, there's no doubt her lips felt like the perfect place to land.

When they did land, everything else took course. My hands found a way to glide smooth across her waist, while the heat from her body would steadily rise. The moment was frozen in time, and even as our bodies moved, everything else seemed to be paralyzed. When our lips did separate, it was more of an acknowledgment that the moment was too good to be true...yet there was little time in-between to be apart, because there was so much more to do.

The moment may as well been broken down in scenes; from the way her head tilted back to the way her body leaned. Tongues glided in each other's mouths with the smoothest of ease. There was zero hesitation, realizing this was our moment to seize, and as the acts continued, there was no doubt both of us were left satisfied and thoroughly pleased.

All this over a kiss? Something some of us have done for ages found a way to have an impact that was as strong as any act of sex. With that said, if the initial moment was that good, there's no telling what can be expected next...

1/24/11 @ 1:27 A.M.

B.T.K. (Before the Kiss)

Blistering thoughts...jumbled emotions, yet...you play it cool. Everything is going on internally, and if you're cool enough, those emotions are all kept in check. Your recipient is just as eager as you; the anticipation is brief, but it still seems like an eternity. What's taking so long?

Trepidation...what if they pull away? What if the fear of the unknown outweighs the desire to just relax and let loose? While all these questions are being asked internally, the opportunity to have them answered in the affirmative are slowly slipping away...

Kick...kick it all away. The blistering thoughts, the trepidation; just throw it out the window. Everything else is going right. There's nothing else to hide, and no more questions to ask. If it doesn't happen this moment, it's noone's fault but ours for letting this opportunity pass.

We've all been there, one time or another, whether we were the initiator or the recipient. To live life long enough is to experience a wonderful, yet peculiar feeling such as this. It's the contradiction, fear, enthusiasm, and excitment of the actions...before the kiss.

1/19/11 @ 1:14 A.M.

Photo by _bobz_

Relax.

The only hiccup, bump in the road, and stumbling block that comes with being at peace is that there is literally nothing to convert from thoughts to prose. The idea is to just let the words come out with no signs of straining or doing the most. No need to rhyme; no desire for them to be clever. They just need to come to the surface...like they used to before. They may come slowly, or immediately, but they would always come. Always.

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
~Ernest Hemingway

To be continued...

Photo by Kristin Corrine Loy

1/19/11 @ 12:45 A.M.

Old and Boring

12 days into the new year, and I'm convinced I'm the most predictable 28-year-old man this side of The Mississippi (I've always wanted to use "this side of the Mississippi" to describe something, so there).

To be honest though, I'm not complaining one bit. I love being old and boring. It's kinda liberating, actually, even if boring and liberating seems like an oxymoron. Besides, after meeting Pam Grier last year, that was all the excitement I needed for the rest of my life. I'll be old and boring for the rest of my days, and anytime I feel the need to have some excitement, I'll think back to gettin' to meet Sheba, and since I never got around to putting this picture up at the time, BAM!!!!! (good Lord, she's STILL FINE.)

An example of this was my recent journey with my beard. I went 98 days without shaving or getting a haircut. It didn't start out that way, but hell; after a while, I just didn't worry about getting a cut or shaving. When I wanted to go out, it never scared women off too much. Shit, some actually dug The Cast Away Look. Who knows, maybe one day I'll resurrect The Beard, but for now, it's back to the normal look.

I haven't written much poetry lately, because...well, there's nothing to write about. The last time I wrote endlessly turned into so many poems about the same woman that they coulda filled up a whole damn book. Once that came to pass, I wrote about whatever else was on my mind. These days, though? Nada. When it comes, it comes.

My current mindstate is that of an appreciative man and one that's just...at ease. I have a list of books that need reading. At one time, I wouldn't read anything but Black authors, and I would scream at anyone who attempted to recommend fiction to me, but that's not so much the case anymore. I've read Huck Finn and To Kill a Mockingbird already, but that was years ago, so I figure now is as good a time as any to re-visit them. By the time I get to The Godfather, I'm sure I'll be ready to go back to autobiographies, books about particular periods in time, or whatever.

I'm convinced I have never been more at peace than I am now. Anytime I write on this site, which will hopefully be more than I did last year, I just feel at ease. Twitter is where I just have fun, cut up, cuss like crazy, and do whatever, and Facebook is cool, but this is much more slowed down; kinda like the end of your day, when you just take your shoes off, stretch, and walk around the house butt-naked with music playing in the background and drinkin' a glass of Simply Lemonade. Not that I do that sort of thing; well, yes I do, but it makes me happy.

So yeah; I'm gonna write more. Even if it's just a random thought (a la the Thoreau quote that STILL stumps me), or more extensive words, I'm gonna do it, but it can't be forced. Never that. It has to be authentic, or it's a waste of time.

1/12/11 @ 3:36 AM

Matters of The Heart

The heart is forever inexperienced. - Thoreau

I saw this quote in a tweet about a week ago, and it's stumped me ever since, basically because I disagree with it. Then again, I don't know the context of the quote, which I have been searching for.

I'll look harder; explicitly as well as internally.

1/9/11 @ 1:00 A.M.