Sometimes When You Win, You Actually Lose, and Sometimes When You Lose, You Actually Win

Note: This is a quote that was uttered by the beautiful and fine-ass philosopher, Rosie Perez, in White Men Can't Jump. Also, excuse the length of the title. I know there's a forbidden rule of having more than twelve words in a title, but this isn't APA, so who cares?

Have you ever gained clarity through losing something? Folks tend to look at loss as a negative, but it can actually work out favorably, if it's put in a proper perspective. It isn't easy to view loss in that way, and it takes maturity, and a level of humility to do it, but if you can, it certainly helps to deal with the way life works. Two things happened this year, that pretty much sums up this quote for me. Earlier this year, a friend of mine was killed, and at the time, I didn't really know how to cope with losing someone who did so much good, while doing the small things people taken for granted. In her loss, I gained the urgency to be courteous to EVERYONE in sight. That's what she was able to do, which is partly why she was loved by so many people.

The second was losing my job, which was immediately easier to cope with, in all honesty. Even though I lost the job, I gained the importance of doing something you love doing, as opposed to simply getting a check. It looks easier said than done, but from first-hand experience, it's so much more fulfilling to pursue your passion, and if it comes at the expense of not having as much money, who gives a shit? Trust, I made decent money, but I was KILLING my spirit everyday, because I was doing something I hated. Plus, money has always been boring to me anyway, but when you make a lil bit of it, it can be easy to lose focus. I was winning, but I was still losing. So when the layoff came (which was the day after The Thriller died), I actually won. For one, God got me out of a situation that was internally toxic for me, and two, I got a chance to go back home, and watch Michael Jackson videos all day. Anyway, some people say "fake it 'til you make it," but that phrase just doesn't do it anymore, because I've been there.

Happiness and serving a purpose come first now. Money will follow, but I had to lose first, in order to understand the meaning. This year may be memorable for some, because of loss, but if you can try to gain some insight from each situation, you can still win. The only reason I've been able to look at everything that's happened this year, without losing my mind, is because of that man they call GOD, and because of Him, I've never been more at peace.

Be easy.

12/22/2009 @ 2:19 P.M.

Love Re-defined

Using the word "love," when it comes to you, has never been enough. Besides, it's a word that's been used plenty of times before. To come up with another term is worth the effort, since you're entire being is one I've come to adore.

See, I know what love feels like, and it never felt like this. Knowing the sound of your voice is one that, even in a crowded room, I couldn't possibly miss. Or the fact that our lips don't even have to touch, yet I can still feel your kiss, and realizing you came through and surpassed any and every guideline that comprises a prototypical list.

That aint love at all; it's something deeper, and much stronger. Gettin' you outta my system is a process that's simply gonna take a lil longer. Then again, the slightest sight, sound, or instant can trigger a variety of memories in my mind. Maybe that's what it means to understand a love re-defined.

12/17/09 @ 4:12 A.M.

End to the Beginning

A kiss is how we departed, with our collective word that we'd see each other again soon, and even when the elements are different, our times together carry the exact same tune.

Before that, we hold each other close, embracing, arms and hands around each other gently, but in no hurry to let each other go. There can't be a better feeling than to be holding you close, and if there is, it's one I have zero desire to know.

Words were exchanged throughout our interaction, along with laughs and that ever-present smile. It's safe to say this feeling hasn't been experienced with anyone else in quite a while. Steady thankful it's present, and right here in this place, yet the potential for it was evident from the first time I ever laid eyes on your face...

12/2/09 @ 2:33 A.M.

Simplicity at its Best

Two kids walking each other home from school, a boy and a girl.

Takin' a trip back then reminds me how those times were some of the best spent in the world.

No worries about broken hearts, false words, or the potential of things going wrong.

And even though the times have changed, the desire remains to write a familiar type of song.

...it's just about finding the right muse.

11/7/09 @ 3:09 A.M.

Is That a Friend of Yours? Nah, Just Somebody I Know.

There's a line in Devil in a Blue Dress that's so simple, yet it packs a punch. Easy was choppin' it up with Joppy, when a dude walks into Joppy's bar to chop it up with the both of 'em. When the dude leaves, Easy (played by Denzel) and Joppy (played by Mel Winkler) share a brief, but unforgettable exchange:

Easy: "Who's that, Joppy? A friend of yours?"

Joppy: "Just somebody I know."

Now, some people may look at that, and ask why I make such a huge deal about those simple words. My answer: because it's true. Joppy didn't mean it in a bad way; he just meant that ol buddy is someone who knows his name, and vice-versa. They're not friends, and that's cool.

I've been fortunate to have people I can call friends, and I've also been fortunate enough to have people I know; at this stage of living, it's easy for me to decipher the two. However, the common thread is this: they all get equal respect from me. I don't respect a friend more than I respect someone I know. Now, I will give a friend more time than just someone I know, but that's because friendship is earned, while you can just know a motherfucker, ya know? I don't see that as constituting a lack of respect. Respect isn't something that's a tangible (see/touch/taste/smell/hear) quality. That's just me; it's how I was raised (parents), how I've been bred (Willie McCullough), and how I choose to live my life. I'll do other fucked-up shit from now til I die, but I can find peace in knowing I respect everyone fully, from jump.

Now things can transpire during interaction with people, and that's the part I'm working on correcting; tryna be less of an asshole when things don't go my way, and be more humble instead; tryna watch the urge to cuss a motherfucker out, and instead listen to where they're coming from, respect it, digest it, and if things continue down an undesirable road, then depart peacefully (whether the departure is us hanging up the phone, leaving each other's presence for a short time, or even for good). Even if we disagree, then at least we're doing it in peace. I'm all for confrontation, but I don't wanna do that all the time. Lord knows it's been a test, but it's one thing to say it, and another thing to do it...and right now, I'm doin' it.

I don't know; maybe this shit isn't making any sense. Just needed to vent. Wooosah....

Be easy.

"Simpler Times" photo by Clifton Henri

Mitchell and West Street: Appreciation Part Two

The John Legend song just crept up; you know, the one that led to a slow dance on the living room floor still plays vividly in my head. We moved slowly, and whispered along to every single word he said. I never once told you how those several minutes in time kept my entire soul fed, so I'll do it now, and tell you how this tale should always be remembered and read...

There's gonna be some stuff in here that I never intended for you to see. Like how we ran into each other on the yard, not too long after you made 23. Or how, at the time, Chick-Fil-A lemonade was your drink of choice, and how I knew we would be bound for life, from one fateful evening, despite the fact of having yet heard the sound of your voice.

Plenty has passed since then; your first event on 4/21/05, and the excitement that lead up to the night, yet it still goes back to one well before then, which brings all and everything to the light. It consisted of a library, peace and quiet, and two people coming toward each other, crossing paths, with no idea except to move right along. Yet that's when it all began; when you granted me the pleasure of starting an everlasting bond...

11/7/09 @ 3:59 A.M.

Photo by...I Don't Know Who Took Her Picture

If It Wasn't For You: Appreciation Part One

Note: There's no such thing as being "self-made." We all need help. Folks should know they're appreciated, and I will write as many of these as I can, for as many people as I can.

If it wasn't for you, this dream and goal would've remained postponed. It woulda stayed in my head, and simply been talked about...but because of your encouragement, it's led to a change in direction that's got me on the proper route.

When the time comes for that final walk across the stage that comes along with the title of Ph.D., it'll be due, in large part, to the kindness and greatness of a person bearing the initials, PDB.

10/30/09 @ 7:12 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Sleepless

...the picture right here? Yup, that's far from what I'm doing right now. Can't sleep worth a shit tonight; well, this morning.

...Longing to Tell is an amazing book. As a man, it shakes me up to read some of the tales of the women who were courageous enough to tell their story.

...recently re-connected with an old buddy, via phone last week, while I was on my voyage across the highways. It was one of those "pinch-yourself-to-see-if-this-is-real" phone calls. In our own unorthodox way, we keep up with each other, yet keep a healthy distance. In this particular case, it's better than not communicating at all.

...how strange is it to come across someone, and when you explore a lil bit, they're actually more fly than you originally thought?

...life is always good, and even when it aint goin' that great, I'll probably tell you it's good anyway. God is good, and the fact that I'm even able to type this is living proof. Be thankful for everything.

10/29/09 @ 5:22 A.M.

At Times, I Don't Give a Fuck

...the statement above can be counter-productive to your quest for self-growth, but honestly, there are just times that I don't care...and that's fine.

...one of the reasons why I hold Dr. West and other people like him in such high regard, is because they will challenge EVERYTHING, but it's done with respect, and out of sheer curiosity. I don't have that kind of courage (yet), and don't wish to use that much energy (yet).

...some friends have become "just people I know," while some "people I know" have become friends. Life works like that, and sometimes, I don't wanna know why.

...hypocrisy is...fascinating. I think that's why I'll always say 'Pac is the man for life. Yeah, he was a hypocrite, but he spoke from his heart. I'll take that anyday.

...when you're searching for truth in yourself and clarity, there are gonna be things that conflict; there may be times when things are said that are contrary to what you believed yesterday, but guess what? As long as its genuine, keep searching. Who cares if people don't like it? They aint God.

...sometimes, people use $40 words to convey a $5 thought. I still don't know how to feel about that.

...on one hand, single is cool. You can talk to as many women as you want, and as long as its done with respect (is that an oxymoron?), then I see no problem with it. Women can do this, too. Oh yes; you can be a queen, and talk to as many dudes as you want, as long as you do it with respect for yourself and others. On the other hand, it's work to try and be so many things to so many people...yet that doesn't make it a good reason to get in a relationship. It's simple: get in a relationship, because you want to, not because you're tired of being single.

...genuine and real are not synonomous; they're not the same. If you claim to be real, cool. I'll take genuine any day.

10/27/09 @ 12:55 P.M.

Soul Searching

...there's a lot of truth in a joke; someone can say something, and then say "awww, I was just jokin'/shittin'/messin' witcha," and while they were, there were also telling the truth. It's kinda fascinating, but also humbling. When the joke's on you, and you know what the person is saying is true, what do ya do? Depends on the context, I guess...

...it would be so much easier to be a neanderthal, because it's expected, yet it's fulfilling to go against the grain. It can be hard, but the joy that comes from it outweighs the negative...

...is there a feeling stronger than love, as it pertains to your feeling for another person? You like someone, come to adore them even, yet love isn't even an adequate word to describe the feeling...

...common courtesy is severely underrated. A simple "hello" to a stranger, opening a door for someone, or exchanging a smile when eye contact is shared, and not a bewildered look, is a lost art.

...there's a story in every book, and not just the one the author presents. There's even a piece of your own in there...

...everyone recovers on their own time; it's another reason why life can be so interesting, even if it doesn't work out in your favor.

...men have self-esteem issues, too. The things some people constitute as being manly, some look at with shame, especially if we've bought into the hype before. Double-standards, as it goes for men and women, are not what that is...

...eliminating my own hypocrisy has been a challenge, but it's one I'm striving for, and one I'll attempt to do for as long as the Lord blesses me with life; I'll keep trying to eliminate it, forever and a day.

...exchanging greetings with one of my heroes recently, The Great Dr. Cornel West.

Be easy.

10/23/09 @ 4:53 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Snapshots

1) a casual photograph taken with a hand-held camera.

...first-ever crush was in the 3rd grade @ eight years old. Nearly 20 years later, we're still friends, and believe, I don't call everyone that knows my first name, and mine theirs, a friend.

...speaking of which, the word "friend" is overused. It's perfectly cool for folks to not be your friend; in the words of Joppy from Devil in a Blue Dress, that's "just somebody I know." Nothing bad; just aint a friend...and that's fine.

...lost my virginity @ 18. I didn't even wanna do it; just felt like the thing to do.

...fell in love @ 20. Back then, it was in its most raw form; no thinking, just doing.

...you know when people say "you can love someone enough and be selfless enough to leave them, before you hurt them?" I realize what that means now, first-hand.

...I love women. For real, and it aint even about sex anymore. I love the way a woman walks and talks; like how they smile, stand, frown, peer, tilt their head, glance, stare at nothing, look away, all that shit. I flirt like a motherfucker, but the wildest thing is everything I say to a woman is 100% genuine. I just don't act on the stuff I say these days....as much.

...judging is for God only. People should just shut the fuck up and live. If you wanna read someone's life story, go buy their autobiography. Folks will be more than happy to tell it to you, if you shut up long enough to listen.

...men, especially brothers, should treat ourselves better. Get some self-respect; find joy in something; as much as I dislike money as being a motivator, if that's what stimulates you, then go for it. Just be clear of steppin' on someone else to get it.

...if I took away the amount of women I had sex with "just because,"...Lord have mercy. It aint nothin' to take pride in.

...I hope women find pure, genuine and inner joy in themselves, and only seek the company of a man as a compliment, and not to fill a void. Easier said than done, and hopefully everyone can make the journey as useful as can be, with the time God gives us. With that journey, I just hope whoever women come into contact with treat them with love and respect. No matter what you've been through, you're still a queen. Don't let anyone treat or tell you different.

...do what you said you would do, big or small. Do it anyway. Your word is your bond.

...life lessons are being learned in the most peculiar settings. I'm learning humility from watching high school kids play football. When some of these kids make a play, and just walk down the field, and keep from showboating, and lettin' everyone know how great they are, it tells me two things: 1. they got good people in the corner, and 2. act like you already know you're good. Let your deeds show it.

10/21/09 @ 1:29 A.M.

Right Choice

Upon first glance, it was evident the right choice was made. All the days and miles were all worth the while. The fatigue that was present left my body, the moment I saw your smile. Despite the darkness of the night, it lit up the sky for all who were fortunate enough to see, and even though nothing occured yet, I already had a feeling of how our time together was gonna be.

Over time, the creative side of yours has come out, along with a sense of compassion when life doesn't go your way. And even when the cards dealt aren't in your favor, you still make it a point to never let it affect anyone else's day. It doesn't matter if you're with your crew or all on your own; you still have the ability to shine, which time and events have truly shown.

Laughter is still shared anytime you say you know how to dance, because there's never been any proof, but if there's one thing to know about you, is if you say you can do something, your skills are probably through-the-roof. All jokes aside, you deserve all the good that life presents, because you make it a point to keep it real. It'll continue to be evident that whoever steps to you better check your resume, because you most certainly are a big deal.

10/16/09 @ 4:51 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Your Eyes

Everyone has a set of 'em, yet they don't possess the powers of yours. One look from you can make the most trifling of man pick up a variety of chores; they can make someone who's already motivated pick up their hectic pace, and feel the urgency of needing to do more. They can help someone who can't swim and stuck in deep waters find the strength to make it back to shore. On top of that, they bring light to darkness, and allow a simple sight to be the complete opposite of a bore.

Maybe it isn't your intention to possess this kinda juice, yet I wouldn't blame you one bit to apply them for any kinda use. Whether its to spark conversation, or keep all attention squarely on you. Truth be told, if others had the ability, they'd do the exact same too. It's impossible to look into them and even attempt to tell any kind of lie; those reasons above, and more, are precisely why I love your eyes.

10/13/09 @ 2:13 P.M.

No Shame

The day will come when we can take a stroll in the park, just like we're kids again. We'll laugh and smile, with all intentions of making sure our good times never end. The bond will be beyond control, with no chance of being tamed. When it comes, it'll be embraced in full, with absolutely no shame.

It's exactly why I don't worry about the day coming...because the time is certainly near. There's no reason to think I'm trippin' either, because my vision has never been more clear. What I'm tellin' you is authentic, and void of any traces of game. We'll do it together as one, with absolutely no shame.

10/5/09 @ 9:17 P.M.

Photo by Jeremy Biggers

4:04 A.M.

Here goes another piece, and of course, it just has to be about you...because even in the middle-of-the-night, the vision of your being remains true.

You find a way to continue to make an impact, despite our conscious effort to stay apart. No matter what happens in the future, you've left an indelible print in my heart.

9/30/09 @ 4:04 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Just Friends

Time has a way of healing all things; wounds, circumstances, and others, just to name a few. It also has a way of affecting interactions, despite what the people involved have already been through. When time ran its course, ours spent together came to an unexpected end, and with that, it's better to leave it as such, instead of attempting to merely be "just friends."

In all honesty, the concept has never made much sense to me; you know, the whole "just friends" thing. At one moment, those times were the definition of genuine, with nothing but eagerness for what the next interactions would bring. That's true friendship, when things simply flow and proceed day-by-day. Anything short of that would be no good, and when presented, the answer will simply be thanks...but no thanks.

9/27/09 @ 11:53 P.M.

Photo courtesy of restaurant Max

Fly

By your own admission, life is a comedy, and as long as anyone has noticed, you always enjoyed a good flick. But there's a reason why you've always been more than meets the eye, simply because there's no particular way of knowing exactly what makes you tick.

To some, you're the lady behind the bar, keepin' people feeling good by fixing 'em a drink. To others, you're the woman who keeps makes folks experience a variety of thoughts and emotions, simply due to their admiration of how you think. It leaves 'em speechless, or simply with their tongues tied. They know you mean business, whether they like it or not, and know what you say can't be confused for a lie. That smile, demeanor, and loyalty all contribute to what's before their sight, yet they also know you'll be blunt in a second, and always remember that your bark is nowhere near as lethal as your bite.

There's plenty more about you that meets the eye, and tryna sum it up briefly would be impossible, and with that, maybe they'll be more to see. For now though, continue to be that free bird that stays flyin' high, that a majority of people only wish they could be.

9/22/09 @ 4:56 P.M.

Renewed Focus

I had an epiphany.

All of a sudden, the energy I put into words to describe how I felt about certain situations, women, and anything else are gonna be put into other areas. See, this spot gives me a chance to really just let go, and say whatever is on my mind, heart, and soul, and when that happens, things always seems to be at peace...or if there is disruption, it'll be quelled, if only for a spell.

I'm putting all my energy into living life to the fullest. For me, that means knocking out these classes for my Masters Degree, watching loads of football, taking road trips, and feeding my brain. If I write about a woman, it won't be because I can't get over her. There are only so many ways you can say something, so I'm done with that stage of living and writing.

I'll also be doing a lotta reading, which will have absolutely nothing to do with my coursework. Here are some of the books on my hit list for the next few months:







Be easy.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Hawaii

You wanna go somewhere peaceful and calm; yet, you left it at that. Maybe it'll serve as therapy, to help your motivation get on track. We all need to step away sometimes, whether it's in our mind, or, in your case, somewhere far away. For your sake, it needs to happen soon, so peace can return to the rest of your days.

But lets be real: there's a lil bit of Hawaii in you already, and anyone with clear enough vision has been exposed. It's in the way you carry yourself, and the manner in which you remain composed. If funds are an issue, life will find a way for them not to be...especially since the time is now for you to experience your own paradise, kinda similar to the ones we already see.

Taking the trip in your thoughts is cool, but this one's gonna require a lil more. The need will have you get on a plane, while having an attendant asking you if you want a drink, even if it's one you've had countless times before. Get on that island, and experience it all, and make sure to take in the view. Experience all the peace and calm it brings, and think about nobody else but you.

8/24/09 @ 10:36 P.M.

Conquering Pride

I'm really havin' to swallow my pride.

It would probably be easier to pack up my emotions, and hide.

But in order to grow and have peace, you have to face it all, even if it takes me on an uncomfortable ride.

And just hope things are the opposite, once I make it to the other side.

8/21/09 @ 9:35 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Clean House

Went from episodes of Clean House to messages when not much of anything is being exchanged.

Even though the time shared together then was brief, it was always genuine, and never seemed scripted, forced, or arranged.

Time found a way to heal the wounds, but it also made to where there's not much else to say.

It's obviously the case now, and the only hope is not to take any lack of future interaction the wrong way.

8/20/09 @ 2:03 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Soon Enough

The luxury of being close in proximity will no longer exist...

When it comes, a sigh of relief will come over me.

The temptation to be in your presence will lessen, and eventually become obsolete...

Which is exactly how it needs to be.

8/11/09 @ 1:53 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Love-Making

The last time love was made, it was unreal, beautiful, mind-blowing; safe to say, this man was hooked. You coulda been cuffed right there on the spot, and taken to the authorities to be finger-printed and booked. There's no doubt you're the one who served as a reminder of how love is truly made, and if I had to rate it on a scale, there's no doubt you'd get the highest possible grade...

They say good things come to those who wait, and that's exactly what we did. The temptation to do more never overruled the importance of waiting until the time was right, and once it came, the acts were so intoxicating, we were at it from dark all the way to daylight.

Our souls came together as one, as slow jams moved to OUR BEAT, and not the other way around. Our bodies were in sync, with ruffled sheets, infrequent moans, and the fan above us contributing to the sound. It was void of lust, yet filled with passion. Not since then has anything remotely come close, in no particular form or fashion. We'd be drenched by each other's thoughts, and washed with our words; we'd rinse off with laughter, and dry off using the smiles we were able to lure...hell, I can't even look at showers the same! 'Cause ever since then, whether it's the face wash, shampoo, or the soap, whenever I step in, all the bottles spell out your name...

7/28/09 @ 3:23 A.M.

Photo by Thomas Hopson

Insomnia's Kryptonite

Next time's gonna be different; what was accomplished last time was far from simple. The next acts are gonna be relentless, with the waves coming between your legs causing much more than a quiet ripple. Your insomnia's gonna be a thing of the past, after you get done fuckin' with me. The images of our bodies submerged as one will be the last ones you'll remember, as you slowly approach your sleep.

If nights are spent watching the sun rise, the same ones are gonna consist of my tongue dancin' around smoothly, before bein' buried deep between your thighs...we'll go so long and hard, the neighbors above us are gonna hear your cries...and by the time my manhood reaches your womanhood, we'll both experience the power and sheer beauty of insomnia's kryptonite.

Times before were merely a tune-up for something we both already know. There's no need for you to worry or, bring anything extra; all you gotta do...

...is show.

7/16/09 @ 12:07 A.M.

Photo by Thomas Hopson

Good, Bad, and Indifferent: Fuck It No More

The last thing anyone can do is give a man ample time to think; when it occurs, things, events, and words find a way to converge and perfectly link...and it came to this particular truth. The train didn't stop, because I slammed on the brakes. It came to a halt, because the journey became way too much for you to take.

It all makes sense now; it's never been about me, because there's no sign of this man being confused. Sure, it may cross your mind on occasion, but my soul's been the one that's been battered and abused.

Expressing these thoughts won't change a thing; it's not gonna bring those times back. It'll just continue to make me look like a fool, especially since your train seems to be running smooth now, and totally on track. More power to ya, and it's time for me to go ahead, and follow right along. It's time to compose a brand-new verse, and stop singin' the same old song.

7/10/09 @ 5:34 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Just Thinkin' About You/Hope All Has Been Well

It's amazing how a simple message can set off a deeper emotion. It's exactly why, in this case, it's hard for me to subscribe to this particular type of notion. We know each other well enough to realize it isn't a quick check-up, or just to drop some kind words. Once those words have been exchanged, the door will soon open, and into it, we've both been lured...

But maybe it was just that; a quick check-up, and nothing more. Then again, there was date number one, two, three, and even number four. There was Barnes and Noble, and Half Price Books, on a Saturday night at that. A couple of chairs and the occasional foot-stool is where we sat. It was definitely a first, and a story we didn't have to wait for time to tell. It's instances like these that'll trigger a simple message that I'm...

...just thinkin' about you/hope all has been well.

Books were read together, word-for-word, and we'd soon discuss what we saw. Then we'd go find the movie version, and get pissed when the script and the author weren't on the same page at all. To share that kind of connection was unique, something I enjoyed all too well. It's instances like those which trigger the simple message that I'm...

...just thinkin' about you/hope all has been well.

We laughed when he was poplockin' on stage, but remained captivated as he went through song-after-song. Then he came in the crowd and held his tune, while we grooved and sung right along. The same couldn't be said about the dudes servin' food over at Spring Creek. It was pretty much agreed that if they were to take their act on the road, there's no way it would even last a week. Plenty of other events were shared, but I think you get the drift. And through it all, time spent with you was the most priceless type of gift. It's safe to say a simple gesture has always been much more, and this, you can plainly tell. And even though things have changed, this one remains a fixture, when the message comes across that reads...

...just thinkin' about you/hope all has been well.

7/1/09 @ 1:15 A.M.

Photo by Collins Metu

All Hail The Thriller.

Bad Dream

Dammit, just had another one.

Add 'em all together, and it seems like they'd equal a ton.

No matter how much my mind appears to be at ease, it's been an eternity since a dream has been peaceful, or remotely close to fun...

...but there's gotta be better ones ahead, so I'll resist the urge to run.

6/23/09 @ 12:56 A.M.

Photo by Nicholas Ong

Mental (Interlude)

Imagine someone inspiring you to wanna know more, like you felt the need to be smarter. The desire to do even more, internally, continued to grow even larger, and while doing so, you found yourself reaching ever so farther. Times spent together were equally enjoyable, and in 'em, both of us would revel. Never before has this been the case...where anyone made me feel more of a thrill to get on their level.

6/14/09 @ 9:04 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Reflections: Fuck It Part Four

...so I saw you today, but it wasn't exactly the way it seems. It wasn't in the physical, yet it also didn't occur in my dreams. You were far away, yet close enough to touch. Never in my wildest days would I have believed a woman could possibly consume my thoughts THIS MUCH.

When's the day gonna come, when the sight of your face doesn't make a brother reflect and go back? Why is it this train of mine can never seem to stay it's course, and ends up running off-track...just at the sight of your mere vision. You know now these words are directed one way, and it's you I've been missin'...and on top of that, I'd be lying to myself for thinking if you wanted to talk that I'd be unreceptive to listen.

Sooner or later, come hell or high water; whether the day is tomorrow, or it's way down farther...the words will come out, and they won't merely be said, they'll be done. At this point, it seems like an eternity for the title of these poems to have some concrete meaning, and to finally ring true, but the day's gonna come when I'm done pinin' over this, and I'll officially be over you.

6/9/08 @ 11:19 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Love is a Four-Letter Word, But So Is Evil: Fuck It Part Three

The title of this is kinda misleading. The subject itself is not evil, by any means. She's actually a great woman; things just didn't work out. There's no love, but there's a really, really, REALLY strong like. I'm not quite to "charge it to the game" status yet, but I'm gettin' closer to being there everyday. Til then, words will be dug out from deep within, until there's nothing left to say...

Not too sure why the title is as such, other than the fact that it's definitely true. Never woulda thought a feeling would come over like this, due to actions between me and you. People say the best way to get over something, or someone, is to acknowledge its existence, and impact. Problem is, the good can be addressed all day, but it doesn't change the unmistakable fact...that things have changed.

Sure, maybe it can be patched up, but does it really even matter anymore? Maybe words and thoughts can be exchanged, yet things may never be like they were once before. In a sense, that's why something can be good, yet still be bad. Like realizing these words are therapeudic on one hand, but once they run out, the night will still end with me feelin' sad.

There's a part that wants to act like this shit doesn't even matter, like it aint no big deal, but if that part was to take over, there's no way that would be honest or keepin' it real. That's why times like this will continue to be bittersweet; realizing the irony of love and evil finding a way to co-exist, despite the fact this was never how they intended to meet...

6/3/09 @ 12:26 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Plans: Fuck It Part Two

Some are made well in advance, while others are the last-minute type. They were in place for you, which pretty much contributes to my gripe. They're all dashed for now, with no certain signs of coming back, and part of me has no desire to modify 'em, or even try to put 'em back on track...

Movies at the drive-thru, with food to snack on, and some grown folks beverage to drink; the vision of it was so clear, that there was nothing else for me to think. So much for that, along with others that are far from some seeing the light. Those plans have been placed on the backburner, with no indications of them ever returning to sight..

Plans were in place for some oyster shooters, daquiris, and hurricanes; you know, the ones that can only be bought on Bourbon Street. The ones folks say are so good to ya that they'll knock you right off your feet. Well, just like the others, those plans have been placed to the dark, in the farthest depths of any seeing any type of daylight, with no evidence that leads me to believe a return of them is anywhere in sight...

This is one plan that certainly wasn't made at first; if so, preparations woulda been made, so I wouldn't feel so vulnerable and at my absolute worst. This plan, like the others, is beyond being on-track...and at this rate, there are no signs of it ever coming back..

6/1/09 @ 1:22 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

E.X.O.T.I.C. (A Spot on the Sand)

Engaging...the atmosphere in which I'm currently in. It's all the evidence needed to know why some vacations should never come to an end. So much peace, and just enough quiet. It's the complete opposite of chaos; 180-degrees from any type of riot...

Xctasy...the level present never seems to disappoint or fail. Anything can be done, with zero chance of your lust being derailed. It's a nice lil high, the perfect type of mix; all the ingredients are present for one to experience an unforgettable type of fix.

Opportunities...are abound the likes of which are rarely seen. It would only need to be said once, and folks will take it for exactly what it means. No hidden messages, smoke signals, or confusion. Everything is right there for the taking, with no reservation or thinking it's some type of illusion..

Temptation...runs rampant, but shit, who would have it any other way? There's something for everyone out here, whether you're straight as a pole, or swing it both ways. At this moment, everyone is cool, and all is well. No more evidence is needed, 'cause this is a story I don't need to wait for time to tell...

Intense...but not in a scream-in-your-face, curse-you-out type of way. It's the kind you gotta see for yourself, where sounds are rarely uttered, to grasp what these feelings are truly attempting to convey..

Come...the only way to know is to be in your own place, your own solitary space, maybe even in surroundings with not one, single familiar face...but it will be worth it. To let loose, and be free, with absolutely no care. It can definitely be done, and when it happens, you can truly be in paradise, and truly become 100% bare...

5/24/09 @ 1:01 P.M.

Location between 13th and 14th: written at some spot on the sand...

Blazers, Dunks, and New Orleans: From 35,000 Feet In The Sky

It's hard to pin-point exactly when you made your presence known, yet easy to know you very much have that effect. Your natural vibes make you unique, which makes anyone grateful if they're the one whose company you select. Anyone knows time spent with you will result in absolutely zero regrets, and furthermore knows your authenticity never has to be questioned, since there are no signs of fakeness to detect.

You move to your own rhythm, but still have a way to ride to any beat, if you so choose. It's a rare ability to possess, the feeling of knowing you can literally do just about anything, and doing so with your controls set on cruise.

Even as high as 35,000 feet, the intrigue constantly remains. Visions of Blazers, Dunks, and N.O. is solely what my mind contains. Ironically, it isn't due to any fascination with sneakers, their brands, or an attempt to visit any particular place. It's simply from knowing these few things, as well as others, contribute to leaving an indelible mark on everyone's face...

5/26/09 @ 11:32 A.M.

Photo by Niels displayed

Fuck It.

Not too sure where it went wrong, and at this point, the desire to figure out is all but dead. Anytime it seems like things are gonna be different, they turn out to be just like the stories that have already been read. Any other time, it woulda been charged to the game, and simply just marked up as a learned lesson. But just when it seems like that revelation and conclusion will come, it leads to an unexpected confession. The fact is...you're missed.

The wound is still fresh, and it'll heal itself over time, even as it leaves a scar. It'll be looked at constantly, treated, and examined with care. And, unlike previous times, this bruise won't have me put my guard or defenses up. I'll end up going all-out, more than ever, even at the expense of my soul being exposed and totally bare...

5/19/09 @ 1:44 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

So Close, Yet So Far Away

Some measure distance by the miles on a map, or maybe even the time left on a clock. The effects it brings can be so distant, yet still linger, like the faintest sound of a knock. At times, it seems like you're right there, and things will be just as before. But then reality hits, and events will push us apart, just like they have before...

You would think state lines separate us, but in actuality, it's something far less. It's the type of thing which you know you can't do much about, so it simply brings you more stress. It doesn't make it any easier when both people acknowledge what's missed, and they've been on each other's mind. Despite all that, the space remains, and the peace you're looking for, you'll never find.

So close, yet so far away; it's that simple, and there's no other way for it to be said. Sooner or later, it'll work itself out, and this matter will finally find a way to put itself to bed.

5/11/09 @ 11:30 P.M.

Peace of Mind

It's the number one key to my survival and essential to my growth. With it, I'm exceptional and without it, I'm no different than most. Thank God for keeping my sanity intact, especially in times where there was the potential to unwind. More than ever now, I realize the value and importance of a peace of mind.

It's more important than any amount of money, fortune, or fame. The desire to maintain it takes precedence over any person, regardless of their stature or name. It can come off as somewhat blunt, but to me, it's certainly not to be played with, and it's far from a game. At one time, it may have been low on the totem pole, but now that it's here, my outlook on life has never been the same.

From now on until my time is up, events will occur in which I hold no power or control. When it happens, a step back will be taken to regroup, before I get myself together, and fall back in line. And throughout that time, my faith and sanity will never waver, and it's all due to having a complete and total peace of mind.

05/07/09 @ 11:21 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Act Like a Lady, Think For Your Damn Self

Note: For anyone who asks...yes, I did read the book before I wrote this note. These thoughts are simply from a man who has an opinion on aspects of male-female relationships. It simply took the book to trigger it. Now...

I just got done reading the recent NY Times bestseller, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man," by Steve Harvey. I knew about the book before it came out, just from listening to his show on my voyages to the plantation every morning, so I pretty much had an idea of what to expect. After reading it, I can say I respect what he had to say; didn't necessarily agree with all of it, but hell, it wasn't written for me. It was written for women, and I can dig that totally. However, when I see reactions from women who have read it, I'm...well, shocked for one. Disappointed, two (okay, maybe not in that order), but it is safe to say I don't see why females thought there was anything revolutionary being said. I'll go on record and say females have heard or read this stuff already from a homeboy, an ex, a male acquaintence, male co-worker, uncle, cousin, father, etc, etc, etc. This aint nothin' new, period. All the books, DVDs, how-to videos, slideshows, or every other manual can be put in place, but if there's no execution, it doesn't mean a damn thing. Plus, is it REALLY, TRULY bettering yourself???? I am inclined to say...it's not.

Disclaimer: these are simply a few things I have noticed in my travels.

1. Self-Respect
The women who are respected the most are women who have a mind of their own, handle their business, aren't influenced by outside foolery, and have respect for themselves. That's just me; I can't speak for every dude, but I would like to think if those things are in place, you're straight.

2. Good Men are not an Endangered Species
There are more good men out here than bad men, period. I've seen too many examples, whether it's my old college roommate from Navarro, some of my boys, acquaintences, or other cats I see that do their thing every single day, and are well-intentioned, good-hearted dudes. If females are honest enough with themselves, they'll even admit they've dated one or more in their day. All this talk about "where are all the good men at" is a joke, and it's one that's played out. It's not that hard to find a good man. It just isn't. When I hear a female gripe about the lack of good men, I can usually spot something right away in her that's trifling as well. It never fails.

3. A Challenge a.k.a. Game-Playing
This is probably the one that makes me laugh the most. I know females who will say they'll holla at a dude, because it's a challenge. Not because they like him; not because they think he's fly, and not because he has staying power, but because it's a challenge...
See, this right there is a prime example of not...being...genuine. If you go into something because it's a challenge, that means there's a possibility you could succeed, but the possibility is greater that you're probably gonna lose. Then, a woman will have the audacity, and unmitigated gall to be angry when a man makes her look like an idiot. If you lose, the LAST....THING any of us (your homeboys, your homegirls, the bruhs, your sorors, and/or the Facebook Community) wanna be exposed to is your anger, frustration, or any other negative feelings, because hell, there was nothing genuine there in the first place. In the words of The Great Philosopher 8-Ball, stop playin' games, yo. Just quit it.

There's other stuff that makes me scratch my head, but my point is this...the goal should be to better yourself, and you don't do that by playing games, gettin' pumped up to silly anthems, or anything of the sort. It's fun to talk about, it's cool to dance to, but the second you bring that around me, or any real dude, like it's supposed to really mean something, we're gonna dismiss you with the quickness, and turn the game back on. I'm convinced if you strive to better yourself, everything else will fall in place. There are examples all around of happily married people (we all know some, and it aint just our parents), folks in great relationships, and solid interactions that are on their way to great relationships. The best way to do that is to be have a great relationship with God (first, second, and third), be honest with yourself, strive to improve yourself, and be able to articulate your own, original thought. Everything else will take care of itself, including understanding a man.

Be easy.

H.O.P.E.

Humility...is essential and can be gained through many an event. It's a crucial component to have, especially not knowing exactly what life will present. It's important to always be modest, and constantly remain humble, because just as quick as things can be good, they can just as soon crumble.

Opportunities...are abound, yet some can also be created. With enough work and a little luck, you never know where you will be. More doors could be opened up, that you never thought you would see. When the time comes, and it's something you want, chase after it, and do so at full-speed. Besides, you may do so well the first time, that it'll be one of the few breaks you're ever gonna need.

Perseverance...will be key, especially if things don't go your way, or according to your time. Just know it'll happen sooner or later, even if it appears to be past your prime. Some days will be easy, while others are bound to be tough, but sticking to your vision will get you through, despite the fact the travel may be a little rough...

Extraordinary..are the rewards reaped by holding steady to your mission and beliefs. Once it's all said and done, joy will overcome all feelings, along with a sense of relief. The journey can be the most challenging part of the ride, and you may feel you're constantly at the end of your rope. But it can also be the most gratifying, especially if you retain your hope.

4/14/09 @ 11:06 P.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri

Recent Events

I'm up at the plantation, slaving away as always, and figured it was a decent enough time to post.

Recently, a friend of mine was killed, due to foolishness outside of the club (3/29/09). Last week was one of the roughest times of my life, as well as for others who knew her, loved her, and considered her to be a friend. It was hard getting through the week, coming up to the damn job, and trying to mask the hurt, grief, and pain. It wasn't until Thursday (the vigil) and Friday (her memorial) when I finally was able to release and cried like crazy. It was nice getting to see some old faces, especially one in particular that I haven't seen in months. I just wish the circumstances were different. I don't think I'll ever get over the fact of how she left Earth, but it does help to know she's in a better place, and she's protected from the madness that's prevalent in the society we live in.

I took a mini-vacation after that to Houston for Wrestlemania XXV, with one of my boys (yes, I have loved wrestling since I was little), and had the time of my life. There was also the Final Four, which didn't go the way I wanted it to, but it was cool, nonetheless.

Besides that, life is straight. Things happen which give us more of an opportunity to do inventory of our lives, and the recent events served as another one. We'll see what is made from it. Be easy.

R.I.P. (for Chane`)

Radiant...will forever be the way you're remembered by me and others who had the pleasure of being in your presence, and seeing your face. Smiles and laughter were always shared, no matter the time and no matter the place...

Invaluable...is your worth, the time we had to share. I can be at peace, knowing you're in a special place and will be protected with care. Even now, there's joy in my heart, despite fighting off the urge to cry. It's evident you lived your life the right way, and knowing that assures me you're always going to be alright...

Prodigious...in knowing there's only one you, and forever will be. Your indelible mark has been left on countless others for the entire world to see...you're simply amazing. My friend, club, sands...and plenty more. You'll be loved always, from the front of my being, to the deepest parts of my core.

3/29/09 @ 4:00 P.M.

Something Different Again

Once Upon A Time

There used to be the days when a four-word question was all that needed to asked. It was the simplest one yet, and was as clear as could possibly be. It could be verbal, written, or otherwise, and it was right-to-the-chase...do you like me?

Void of all the confusion of times past, and allergic to any excuses. The answer was either...yes or no. Rarely did someone have it in 'em to create another box, and fill it in with "maybe so." Even if that was to happen, you could probably be mad for a minute, but you'd laugh about it later, 'cause you'd know that even with the uncertainty, you were bound for something greater...in due time.

Maybe one day, when we all get old and gray, this phrase will become simple again. It won't be about exes, hurt feelings, tryna find yourself, or anything else. It'll simply be about having that feeling in your body, and knowing that one person makes your entire being melt. The note will be passed, the answer will come back, and you'll immediately know your fate. And if it's the one that lets you know you're a winner, we'll begin to put together our very first date.

3/15/09 @ 10:25 P.M.

Light of Hope

My light of hope continues to burn...

despite the recent events that have taken place, the unexpected result even though it was caused by a very familiar face, and even though it seems like I'm running against my emotions in an endless race...

My light of hope continues to burn.

And even though it's burning dim, there are bound to be better days ahead. This setback won't be able to keep me down, and it won't be allowed to fester in my head. Days will continue as always, with nights allowing me to lay peacefully in my bed, and before you know it, my storybook ending will take place, just like the many others that have been seen and read...

As my light of hope continues to burn...

The loss certainly isn't mine, that's for damn sure. My desires, hopes, and love remains untarnished and 100% pure. Even though I'm at peace now, there's still that desire for more, and with it, my soul and heart will stay alive and continue to yearn, and it further lets me know everything will eventually work itself out...

...while my light of hope continues to burn.

3/8/09 @ 9:41 P.M.

M.V.P.

Memorable....are the moments we share together. There should be more, especially given the fact I want our time to last forever. No other times, with any other person could possibly compare, and even attempting to make 'em do so...is completely and utterly unfair.

Valuable...in terms of your own being, your entire essence. Outside of God and family, there's noone and nothing else that comes close to the place you hold in my everyday thoughts. Without you, I'm convinced life would be much more confusing, and I'd most likely be lost. The sun seems brighter, grass is a lil greener, and it's much easier to wake up at the beginning of each day, and it's all because I know the mark you make, in your own special and unique way.

Personal...in the sense that, even though others read the words, the only ones who fully understand this are you and me. It doesn't matter how much is exposed, and how much anyone else can see. The bond we have will never be broken, and can't be purchased with any amount of money, or any type of fee. From now and til the day we're dead and gone, you'll forever be my MVP.

3/3/09 @ 1:14 A.M.

Photo by Collins Metu

S.M.I.L.E.

Serenity...anytime your presence is felt. It has the capability to make any person's mood change for the best. Just a glimpse of it allows any negativity to be put to rest. It's perfect for any occasion...

Magical...when your lips part, and your teeth begin to show. It's the most versatile tool and strongest weapon anyone could ever know. Everyone should be a witness to its remarkable and unmistakable glow. It's that real, that genuine, that...pure.

Influential...the effects, long-term and short, it possesses and can hold. From the first time you flashed it, I was completely and totally sold. If a day is going good, seeing it makes it become great, and when needed at a crucial time, it's never been late.

Love...radiates from your soul to others, just from the act of something so commonplace. The results of it are constantly etched and permanently written all over my face. Thing is...it's not just me; it's anyone who's had the pleasure to see it, whether from afar, or up close. It's safe to say it's this particular quality that people cherish about you the most.

Extraordinary...all these qualities add up to nothing short of remarkable and something that I hope stays around for much longer than a short while. It's the one thing worth more than any amount of power and wealth; it's the value of your smile.

2/22/09 @ 3:26 P.M.

Closure

Interaction between two people can be a strange thing, especially when all both people wanna do is hang out, and have some fun. It never goes through your mind that the person could end up making such a huge impression on you that you'll wanna pack up your stuff, and run. The thought that you may actually dig them, truly dig the person they are, isn't something that goes through your head. You even would joke to them that they were sent from outer space to destroy you, and now they're on your mind from the time your day begins, until you lay yourself down at night in your bed. Looks like their mission was accomplished.

So you sit at home and deal with it, knowing it's the hardest, yet the best way to get over your feelings being hurt, and ego being bruised. You may even seek some counsel from people you know. That doesn't necessarily do the trick, because they could advise you to do something foolish, and even put on some kind of show. Going out becomes the answer, but that idea fades just as quick as it came. While folks are having a good time amongst each other, you're as far as can be from feelin' anywhere near the same.

It would be so much easier if there was some open and real communication, even if it was something that you didn't wanna hear. Then again, that can be the hardest part, the one people seem to struggle with the most. We are quick to say what we want, but when it's time to keep it 100, people can change their tune completely, with no indication of their previous words, or no attempt to boast. Closure is next on the plate, but it takes two to perform that type of dance, and until that time comes, what appears to be normal on the surface is merely a cover-up for being engulfed in an undesirable type of trance.

2/10/09 @ 8:58 A.M.

Photo by Clifton Henri